Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Some of the things, in my head.

I have all these negative thoughts running through my head, and i really want to blog about them. Sadly though, this just isn't the place to do it. Not about these particular thoughts. Ive deleted 20 sentences now. I don't want to be that kind of guy. I don't want to play those kind of games. I don't want to be that kind of friend, or as it may be now, that kind of acquaintance. I wish i were a skilled writer so that i could truly articulate whats inside. So that i could make a perfect transition from thoughts to paper.

People make me sad.

I am so thankful for my girlfriend. Something was brought to my attention, that may have been offensive to her, and i mustered up the courage to apologize. I don't know how i did it, but its something that as a guy, specially one that thinks the way i do, its not an easy thing to do. I would have never apologized like that to any of my exes. Its no offence to them, its just, there is something about her and this relationship that i want to do everything i can to do whats right. So i apologized. She is amazing. She thanked me, and told me i didn't need to apologize. And that she agreed with me about what may have been offensive to her that wasn't. I guess doing the right thing reaps good rewards.

I am scared to make mistakes in life. What scares me more is knowingly making them. Doing something, and continuing to do something, that i know will have dire consequences in the end, and yet continuing to make them. Its a weakness that i haven't figured out how to defeat. The ability to defeat a routine.

This may come as a shock due to recent exploits that people don't agree with, but i was raised to respect women. I was raised never to lay a hand on one out of anger. I know i talk a big game and say things like I'm going to beat you up, but i promise you its all in fun and never serious. I was raised to let women go first, to open doors, and to use my please and my thank yous. Again despite what many may now think about me, i have grown on my own to respect women physically, mentally, and verbally. Bitch is a female dog. Slanged it is meant in an utmost demeaning way and i hate it when it is used about women. Which is why i don't listen to rap music. I have used the word once or twice towards a girl and i really, really despise myself for it. Because it is ONLY used with malicious intent. It has no descriptive meaning, it can only be used to hurt. There is one person i have used it towards that reads this blog, you know who you are, and i just hope you know i am deeply sorry. You knew that i despised that word and how i told you i would never say it to you. And at a time where i was being a complete prick i wanted to hurt you as bad as i could, and with the knowledge of how serious i knew that you knew i hated that word, i used it against you. And i am very sorry. Whenever i learn something about how men used to treat women, i try my hardest to emulate that. Back when we treated them like gold, like princesses, like something to be treasured. Its a difficult battle, because the world is changing so quickly. But i do my best. And obviously i fail at times.

I should try and work more, but i just have to many thoughts. I don't want to write them all down, because then no one will read them. So i will go now.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Reds Anatomy.

I watched a T.V. show last night and just couldn't help but write about it. I'm not going to name it specifically because i know many many people like it, but lets just say it was a certain colors ANATOMY. ;p Now, i am normally very GREY when it comes to the things i watch, but sometimes i get this feeling that i should be more strict with myself.

ANY way.

As i watched this certain show i wondered how it really affects those that watch it. The way the shows main characters talked about things (such as sex) practically said to the audience hey, its cool to go do these things that you shouldn't, everyone does it. Take for example the constant banter about having stress sex with someone other then your husband or wife. They talked about it so casually, like eventually it was a given to happen, and its completely OK. There were so many times where i found out (through the people i was watching it with) that practically everyone has slept with everyone. Cause that is a great show! ?? I mean when it boiled down to it, the show last night wasn't even really about the struggles of keeping the people in the car accidents alive. That was put as the backdrop to the real story, which was one lady's best friend had slept with her husband and going through the process of having to tell her right then and their and how they were going to respond. You know what really got to me? One of the girls (who liked a guy who slept with her sister.... ??) said this little gem of EFFING CRAP about cheating. "You know, its not really cheating that matters. Its how you make up for it." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THE CHEATING DOESN'T MATTER? You want to watch an intriguing medical show? Go watch House. Where the main story is about whats going on to the patient! As i watched this show, and commercials for others, (such as sex in the city, don't even get me started on this show which is all about women being dirty friggin sluts) i thought to myself, it is so wrong that these shows are so popular and win awards. I pray that parents do not let their kids watch these shows because they will grow up thinking cheating and random sex and being a effing slut is OK. Look if you watch these shows, I'm not bashing on you. You can do whatever you want, and you enjoy a show completely centered around fornication. That's OK. I like movies about drugs. I like movies about debauchery. Those aren't good for our youth either. I'm just praying that the girls that love these shows don't act like the girls on them.

Just please don't be a friggin hypocrite. Its so funny how if i am watching a movie that maybe in one scene has a sex scene, or better yet for 10 seconds shows boobs (like you've never seen any before?), its inappropriate. But yet watching two hours of a show completely highlighting fornication is OK.

What a trashy world we live in, that these have to be the topics of interest that we love so dearly. But, sex sells right? And lets all (including myself) by into it.


Look. If i offended anyone, i apologize. BUT. I do not take anything i said back. Because i meant what i said, down to every single word. I'm sorry if you feel its out of place for me to use the word slut when talking about certain women on certain shows, and what i don't want our youth to grow up to. I'm sorry if you feel it is demeaning or whatever. I simply use it in the same way that i call people hypocrites or liars. I mean it in the way that it describes the word in the dictionary. ( A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous). So if you have a problem for me stating the truth, then I'm sorry you feel that way. But i don't take it back. I don't intend it in a way that is meant to disapprove of loving them, because i know that women i would consider sexually promiscuous (see wouldn't it have been easier to just say slut?) need just as much love as the rest of us. I have friends who i care deeply about that fall into that category. Just as i call out many times how i think many many people are hypocrites. Its not in a anti-love kind of way. I do love them, and want to help. But if your going to read this entire post and then pick out the word slut and try and get on my case about the one word because it upsets you that oh no I'm picking on one of your favorite TV shows, then i invite you to not read my posts anymore. Because i never have and never will censor myself about what i feel is right or wrong just because someone else feels the opposite as i do. Just so you know, i write things that go against my own favorite t.v. shows as well. Such as the office and the phrase "that's what she said." If it calls for it, i will use the word slut again. I may use the word whore, prostitute, and hooker. I mean, if that's what the person is, then i will have no hesitation to use those words. So i am sorry some of you took offence. But I'm warning you its going to happen again, and if you cant handle it, then as i said before. I invite you to not read my blog anymore.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Its things like this that really really piss me off.

OMAHA, Neb. - Eleven children ranging in age from 1 to 17 were left at hospitals Wednesday under Nebraska's unique safe haven law, which allows caregivers to abandon youngsters as old as 19 without fear of prosecution.

Nine of the children came from one family. The six boys and three girls were left by their father, who was not identified, at Creighton University Medical Center's emergency room. Unrelated boys ages 11 and 15 also were surrendered Wednesday at Immanuel Medical Center.

The law, which went into effect in July, initially was intended to protect infants. In a compromise with senators worried about arbitrary age limits, the measure was expanded to include the word "child," which wasn't defined. Some have interpreted this to mean anyone under the age of 19.

At least 14 children have been abandoned under the state's safe haven law since it took effect.

Todd Landry, director of Health and Human Services' division of Children and Family Services, said that in nearly every case, the parents who left their children felt overwhelmed and had decided they didn't want to be parents anymore. None of the kids dropped off so far has been in danger, Landry said.

The children surrendered Wednesday are OK, said Kathie Osterman, spokeswoman for the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services. She didn't know why they had been abandoned. Further details weren't immediately available.

Nebraska was the last state in the nation to adopt a safe-haven law. Under previous law, a parent who abandoned a baby could have been charged with child neglect or abandonment, both misdemeanors, or child abuse, a felony.

State Sen. Arnie Stuthman said he introduced the bill intending to protect infants. In a compromise with senators worried about arbitrary age limits, the measure was expanded.

Abandoning teenagers was not the original intent of the law, Stuthman said Thursday.

"People are leaving them off just because they can't control them," he said. "They're probably in no real danger, so it's an easy way out for the caretaker." (WHAT!, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I CANT STAND PEOPLE!)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

There will be a day, with no more fears, no more pain, and no more tears.

Putting God first is the key. I asked God to take control of my life about a month ago and he really has. He has defeated sins i never would have thought i would see the end of, and has given me gifts i would have never thought possible.

I had an anxiety attack last night during bible study, but honestly, i couldn't tell you why. I am so happy right now. I am so thankful right now. Its kind of weird, and kind of scary, thinking about why i was having an anxiety attack. Maybe i was being attacked. I dunno.

Anyway. I just entered into a relationship. And as i approached it i prayed more then ever that God lead me to his will, and not my own. I prayed and told God that i liked her, but as much as i did, i wouldn't pursue if he didn't want me too. I want God to be first. I want God to steer me in his direction. I guess that's why i feel so good about this. Because for the first time i can say that i feel that I'm not fighting with God about a girl. And i want that to stay how i approach things. Not just with this relationship, but with life. I want to follow God's will. I want to do what he wants. And if that means giving up things that i really want, then so be it. I'm very ok with that.

So i guess i want to ask, for prayer, that i can remain steadfast in putting God before everything else. To have the strength to flee from my wants when God does not want them. And that i can honor God in everything that i do.


Monday, September 22, 2008

Not my chair, not my problem.

I had a wonderful weekend. That said, i have got some things i need to think and pray about.

Ive got some challenges in the future and I'm a little scared about how to handle them. Ive always had problems and I'm hoping that with a God approach those can be eliminated. Ryan told me once not to pray that God takes away my problems, but that he gives me an opportunity to work through them. I'm excited about all the things God is doing in my life, but scared at the same time. Its an interesting feeling. I guess i just don't want to make the same mistakes i always do.


I went to church yesterday and came to the conclusion that i want Pastor Justin to do a whole one week topical on fearing the Lord. He doesn't do topicals much, but when he does they are very very good. Like the one about understanding the wrath of God to understand the love of God. I want him to do one on the fear of the Lord. And its for the reason that i have thought about it for a couple months and agree with what he said yesterday, in that nowadays we don't have an appropriate fear of God. And i think without that fear, we live our lives more content in sin then ever before. I know that Jesus died for our sins. But does that mean we should hide behind him and use his sacrifice to our advantage? Does that mean we should take advantage of what he did, so that we can do those things we know we shouldn't? I feel that because we know our sins are covered up by the blood of Christ, that many of us use that to our full advantage to do whatever the heck we want. I want to see the fear back in people. I want to see the fear that pushes them to be perfect for God. That pushes us to do everything in our power to please God and stay in his good graces. I want to see that.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Get yo back off the wall.

I try not to write so much because i know if i do, a lot of people wont read it. We will see how this turns out.

When we were camping the other weekend a took a walk with Bret. I just needed someone to confess too. I said. "Man Bret, i don't know what to do. I am being totally controlled by my sin and i have no power over it. I have struggled for months and months in this epic battle and have lost every day. Day in and day out it owns my life. I cant do anything to change it. So i came here this weekend to dedicate this weekend to God. To apologize to him. And to ask him for his help. To admit i cant do it. To admit that only he has the power to change me. And its so easy. Its so easy to be at a Nav event like this and not be controlled by my sin. Its so easy to be here and tell myself ok this is the new beginning. God has lead me to victory. But this isn't the real world. Sunday night i am going to be driving back to the real world. I'm going to be going back to the distractions. Back to the temptations. Back to what i can only see is certain failure."

What i didn't know was that being so honest to not only Bret, but to God has truly allowed that weekend to be a new beginning. More then ever before have i been able to let God control my life. More then ever have i been able to see the way out of temptation and stand up under it. More then ever have i turned to god and asked him what he wanted out of many given situations. Randy's will is to do evil. Randy's will is to fall into temptation. Randy's will is to enjoy sin. God's will is to lead me from temptation. God's will is to flee from evil. God's will is for me to enjoy grace. I have given myself to the will of God more then ever before. In a situation where i would have normally pleaded that God give me this outcome, Instead, I have pleaded that God's will, be the outcome. I don't want to follow my own desires anymore. I want to walk the path God has laid out for me.

Of course i still struggle with life and everything in it. But God has defeated one of my largest struggles. God is so good. I talked a few post's back about punishment. Since that weekend camping, i have been blessed with the opposite. God has given me so many gifts since that weekend. The biggest being the ability to turn it all over to him, and let him lead my blind self down the path he wants me to follow.

I know this isn't a new discovery for most of the people that would read this. But if you have not yet experienced giving God control, i would suggest working towards that, because his love is amazing, and he will bless your life in so many ways.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


I'm going to be honest. I see hypocrisy in everything. And I'm struggling with the fact that that is just how the world is. It bothers me though, that i see it deeply in my fellow believers. I am not trying to put anyone down. Because i see it in myself too. Example. After finishing the new testament i came to the conclusion that i needed to really crack down on one of my biggest problems. And that is/was lust. God has opened my eyes and for the a while now and i can truly say that it is no longer a daily, or even weekly problem. It feels good. I do still struggle at times, because it is a problem i have had for years, but it is so much better now. The reason i thought to myself i should crack down on lust, is well, whenever it talks about bad things or dirty things or wrong things in the new testament, you can be assured that almost every time, lust will be among them. SO hypocrisy. Yeah. I walk around my fellow believers and honestly i can think of one maybe two people who may have lust reasonably under control (by the way, i still don't think i have it what i would consider "reasonably" under control). I don't know whats going on in there mind. I used to think it was only a problem men have. But i have come to the realization that girls have that problem too. And i can honestly say i understand why girls find it so disgusting in a guy that does it. Because its disgusting when girls do it too. Anytime i hear "oh my gosh this guy at school or this friend or this person is sooooo hot". Or better yet, you know how many girls hate it when guys lust over Jessica Alba, or Scarlet johanson, or Angelina Jolie (ew old), or whoever it is that guys regularly lust over. Yeah girls do it too. Maybe not over breasts (you would if we had them ;p), or anything of that nature, but there is still lust there. And yeah, its disgusting. And yet with the world i live in, i am going to have to accept that as something girls do. Whether they do it in front of me or not, they are still going to do it. I'm generalizing i know, not all girls will do this. And that's just one case. What about swearing? What about getting drunk? What about idolizing? Hypocrites, Hypocrites, Hypocrites. Guys and Girls Alike. Myself and others. I am pointing fingers at everyone else. But I'm also point just as many fingers at myself. (whoa that's a lot of fingers). And yet, whats the excuse? "Well, nobody is perfect." "Everyone sins we aren't going to be perfect". "The bible says we cant be perfect." "Well lets be thankful for Jesus because he has made it, not OK, but tolerable(should i say, forgivable?) as long as we ask for forgiveness." UGH. I do wonder sometimes. Does he know that when he looks at Jolie and thinks about how hot she is he is lusting? Does he ask for forgiveness? When she stares at that Enron (or is it efron) guy and talks about how hot he is that she is lusting? Does she ask for forgiveness? Or is that all covered in the "forgive me for the sins i may not realize i have committed" prayer?

I just see a bunch of hypocrites, and am lead to believe that that is the world. And I'm struggling with that. I'm not going to abandon my faith in Jesus Christ. But it makes it difficult for me to have faith in any of my peers. Because we are all a bunch of hypocrites.

These are my struggles.

Thank you human kind.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Dr. Pepper Biography

Dr. Pepper 1

Randall Clawson
Ms. Grindle
Sarcasm 101
16 September 2008

Dr. Pepper was born in Brooklyn, New York to British Immigrants on June 21, 1857. He went to England after his early education where he attended Framlingham College in Stowmarket. He returned to the States during the westward expansion and attended medical school at the University of Texas in Galveston, Texas. Graduating with an M.D., he decided to work as a pharmacist, moving to Waco, Texas to join Charles Alderton in his Old Corner Drug Store. In 1886 Dr. Pepper mixed 23 different syrup flavors into what is now known as “Dr. Pepper”, a Soda-Pop drink.

The Early Years
It wasn’t easy for such an intelligent young boy to grow up in such an intelligence lacking community such as Brooklyn. Dr. Pepper began mixing things at an early age, as it began when he noticed the benefits of mixing 2 different flavors of shaved ice at the local Caribbean Bucks shop. Though it was looked down upon in the buck’s community, he dared to try as many combinations as he could. He was teased for this by the other kids in school, and vowed to never let his parents know, out of fear of being disowned. “They will just never understand with their limited mental capacities” he told himself. At

Dr. Pepper 2

age 12 Dr. Peppers life changed forever. He tried a mix of shaved ice that was part Cola and part Cherry. As he basked in the glory of his creation he vowed never to make another mix that didn’t involve cherry flavor.

The Collegiate Life
Dr. Pepper knew he was destined for something more and realized he wasn’t going to fulfill that unless he moved across seas. He located a college that would allow him to learn and would allow him enough time to “live on his own little island”, as the older folk back home called it. He Attended Framlingham College in Stowmarket for 4 years before moving back to the States to pursue his doctorate. He found peace in Galveston, Texas at the University of Texas where he was free to experiment, as, almost everything is legal in Texas. During his run at UT, he became known around campus for producing a drink that mixed Cola, Vanilla, and Cherry. Randolph Coca would later steal this recipe and use it in his own line of Soda-Pop. The first reactions to this mixture were of pure joy and gave hope to the young Dr. Pepper. “I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!” one tester exclaimed. Dr. Pepper would finish his schooling and graduate with his M.D. in 1884. He was eager to get out of the big city, and quickly receded to Waco, Texas.

Dr. Pepper 3

Dr. Pepper, the ultimate Soda-Pop.
Dr. Pepper soon found himself working with Charles Alderton, a friend from college who owned his own business. At the Old Corner Drug Store was where Dr. Pepper first created the drink we now call “Dr. Pepper”. In 1886, after working at the drug store for a year, Dr. Pepper soon realized that patrons of the soda fountain soon were tired of the standard fountain flavors. He confirmed this by his own taste experiments which led him to concoct a series of mixtures to find his “best soda-pop the world has ever experienced.” He made the decision that the only way he could live up to that claim was to mix not two flavors, not three flavors, not even four flavors, but 23 flavors! Carefully measuring the different syrups and fine tuning the product as he went, he eventually created a drink he called “Commix”. He invited Alderton to try his new drink, which Alderton loved. Alderton asked him the recipe and Dr. Pepper Replied with “It’s got cherry in it, I will tell you that. But the other 22 flavors will remain a mystery forever.” Alderton responded with the idea that they keep all 23 flavors secret as it will draw people to try and figure them all out. While Dr. Pepper was a bit hesitant as he wanted everyone to know that Cherry was the bread and butter of his many mixtures, he also understood the marketing behind the secret, and agreed. When the Product was offered to their fountain patrons, the reaction was overwhelming. Dr. Peppers drink caught on fast and there was no turning back. Soon customers were so crazed to have this new drink they would stand outside the store, shouting “Dr. Pepper! Dr. Pepper!” His name was soon folded into the description of the drink and until 1888 it was called “Dr.

Dr. Pepper 4

Pepper’s Commix.” In 1888 Dr. Pepper and Alderton started mass producing the drink and the name could not fit on the bottle between the cherry pictures on both sides. It was shortened to Dr. Pepper, which has been the name ever since.

The Death of Dr. Pepper.
The Facts of Dr. Peppers death remain a mystery but one story seems to be the most repeated by those who knew him or someone around him. It was said that on May 29, 1941 Dr. Pepper was at a local eatery grabbing some lunch. He sat down next to a
boy and girl, whom to his pleasant surprise were drinking Dr. Pepper. As he was eating a fry he heard the girl utter something horrible. “Andy, I don’t care what you and John say. There is no way that this Dr. Pepper has any cherry flavor in it whatsoever. I don’t like drinks with cherry flavor in them. I hate cherry flavor!” Dr. Pepper grasped his chest as a heart attack was set in motion. By the time a doctor arrived at the scene, he was dead. And thus ending the life of the worlds greatest drink creator.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I wish i were Matt Parkman.

I'm stuck living in fear and i hate it. I hate not knowing the outcome of a decision i want to make. I don't understand how NEO (yes I'm referencing the matrix) didn't just blow his brains to bits. All he ever had to do was make choices and never knew what the outcome was going to be. You know, a lot of times its easy to know whats going to happen when you choose to do something. But in this certain situation, i don't know. And its friggin killing me. Not like bringing me down, but like just eating at me. I know i should just get it over with. But I'm waiting to see if the picture can get any clearer. I'm waiting to see if I'm reading the situation right or if I'm reading it all wrong. I'm waiting, hoping that somehow its going to be crystal clear that the choice i want to make will have a good outcome.

I struggle with patience. But i don't give myself a choice when i live in the fear of the unknown. Such is life, right?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Give me your eyes

For a while now i have wanted to draw closer to the people i am in contact with often. There are a few people that i would call friends that I'm not to close to that i would like to be. A few people that i know that aren't exactly on a great path and could be headed for trouble. I want to help. There are people i care about that could really use god and i would love to be his tool to bring him to them. But ever since dating my ex i am terrified to do it. I tried to show her my god, and it started off really well. And then i started getting frustrated because i couldn't just beat her over the head with god. I needed to slow down and take it one step at a time, and i just wasn't patient enough to do that. I am scared because if i couldn't do whats right for someone i cared enough to be in a relationship with (gonna have to listen to god next time and go with the whole equally yoked thing ;p), how can i do it for someone I'm just friends with. Not only that but my recent struggles with the hypocrisy of Christians has really put a stain on how i view people in this world. It has tarnished my image of what i would like to call good people and has really lead me to care less about humanity in general, christian or not. And this feeling has lead me to write off trying to help anybody. It has lead me to not get into peoples lives, it has lead me to not show those non believers i care about, that i care. Be it the guy at work. Or some of my newer friends that i have been talkin to the last couple months. It lead me to give up and subdue this passion i have to show god to these people. I have all but accepted my failure and given up hope that i could help people at this point in my life, until yesterday i realized for the past two days god had been trying to remind me of that passion and burn it inside me a little bit.

Tuesday i was nearing the end of work and i got the song "Give me your eyes" by Brandon Heath stuck in my head. It came out of nowhere but it stuck in my head for maybe the last 20 minutes of work. After work i went to my car and once the radio came on, the very first thing i heard was the very beginning of "Give me your eyes" on the radio. It was absolute perfect timing as i heard the song in its entirety. Its like someone was watching me and the moment i turned my car on they pushed the play button so that i wouldn't miss a note. At first i didn't think much of it, just a cool coincidence. But then yesterday once again the last 20 minutes of work i got "Give me your eyes" stuck in my head again. As i walked out to my car singing it i thought about how much i enjoyed that song. I turned my car and, and EXACTLY like the day before without missing a note "Give me your eyes" came right on. At this point i was thinking there had to be something more to it. So i listened to the words and let them sit inside of me for a while. I grasped the meaning of everything that had happened and the coincidences i like to call God. He was speaking to me. Trying to get that fire burning again. I need to love. I need to love and i need to be loved. I need to love, to be loved, to care, and to be cared about, i need to share God, and have God shared with me. I need to look at the world from the view of love that God has instructed me to do.

About a month or two ago after hanging around so many couples all the time i was really itching to find a girlfriend. When i dug into my feelings and why i felt like i needed a girlfriend, it had nothing to do with any of the right reasons for having a girlfriend. I simply needed someone to care about. I didn't need someone to care about me. I didn't need that search for something long term. I just needed someone i could care about. And because i have been so upset at the people in this world, i couldn't just care about people. So i subsided to feeling like i needed a girlfriend to pour that into. A girlfriend to care about. Fortunately God knows what he is doing. Lucky for me God was like NO! God was going to have it his way, and in due time, was going to show me the mistakes in my thought process. And while its been a while that i have understood that i don't need a girlfriend, i am just now understanding why i don't need one specific person to care about. (not that a girlfriend is out of the question or anything, i just don't NEED it like i thought i did ;p) And that's because i have many specific people that i can care about, if i just let myself. If i just open my eyes and start caring about the world around me, and peoples lives, stories, troubles and accomplishments, i can find people that i can pour every once of effort into. And i am happy with that. I am more than content with that. Its exciting.

I am thankful that God knows what he is doing, because i sure don't. I can only imagine how much of a mess i would have made my life if i was driving.

Here is the song lyrics:

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Wasnt it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
To ashamed to tell his wife
Hes out of work
Hes buying time
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Wasnt it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Chorus (x2)
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Wasnt it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Game of Life.

The phone rings.

"Hey bro, want to go get a drink?"
"Yeah, yeah i do."
"Sweet man, meet me at Tail's in 15."

Its 6:30pm and my day just started. I throw on my jeans and a nice shirt. I brush my teeth and do my hair. I shout "Later!" to my roommate Brian and shut the door behind me. I make my way down the stairs to my car. I drive 10 minutes to the parking lot on Evan's st. and pull my ticket. I walk to the bar and look around. Troy still isn't here.

I sit down and the bartender asks me what i want. She's kind of cute so i flirt with her a bit. "I'm not sure what i want, whats your favorite?" "Are you looking for a beer or a mixed drink?" She asks. "Surprise me." I reply with a wink. I look around the bar again and Troy still hasn't showed up. I grab my cell phone to see if i may have missed his call. "Here you go babe." She says as she hands me my drink. "Its a Kiss of Fire, with apple schnapps, i call it the Poison Apple." It sounds delicious. "Sounds awesome, thanks doll."

I slide my phone to my ear as it dials Troy's number. He picks up and barely manages a hello. He sounds tired all of the sudden.

"Hey man, you almost here?"
"What are you talking about bro?"
"Tails man, Ive been waitin for 10 minutes."
"Robert, what are you talking about?"
"Troy, you called me 45 minutes ago and told me to meet you at Tails, stop playin around man."
"I didn't call you dog, check your phone. Your losin it man, I'm goin back to sleep."
"Dude, its 6:30 at night what are you doin sleeping?"

Wondering what is going on i go to my call log on my phone. As I'm seconds away from viewing who called me, a girl comes up and asks if i want to play pool with her. She is kinda cute too, so in between being astonished that she is even paying attention to me i get out "Sure, but don't expect me to let you win." I turn around to buy another Poison Apple for me and the girl, and notice a large man standing behind the bar.

"Whoa, what happened to the woman bartender?"
"She just asked you to play pool with her man, are you alright?"

That drink must have hit me quick, i didn't even notice. I walk over to the pool table with a slightly embarrassed look on my face. She laughs at me a little bit.

"I'm sorry Ive just,....Its been a weird day."
"Don't apologize, I'm Samantha, I'm glad you came in tonight. You ready to lose, boy."
"Its Robert, and there is no way i am losing to you tonight."

Three months pass and we are good friends. Ive had a crush on her since the day i walked into that bar but haven't found the courage to tell her. I have a feeling that she is making it obvious that she wants me to, but I'm to dumb and blind to see it. We are going out with some friends tonight to the waffle house and i think i may pull her aside and tell her.

We get to the waffle house and everyone is having a good time. Everyone is laughing and telling jokes, and i can see her making eye contact with me from across the table. I ask everyone to move out of the way so i can use the bathroom. As i return to sit back down at the table i tell everyone to just scoot in so that i am right across from her. As i sit down she smiles that smile that makes her whole face light up. We talk small talk for a few minutes as i build up the courage to pull her aside. Right as i go to ask her for a minute alone the worst happens.

Kyle says "Hey Samantha, would you like to hang with me sometime tomorrow?"
Samantha quickly shuts him down in the nicest of ways "Yeah Kyle, some friends and i are going to the mall tomorrow, you should come with us."

And now I'm lost. Aside from the fear of being rejected that has returned i now have another problem. I have never been the kind of person to date someone that one of my good friends really likes. Now I'm stuck in this state of wanting to ask Samantha on a date, but wanting to respect Kyles feelings. Life throws the most difficult curve balls sometimes, and no matter how you swing the bat your still going to hit a foul. I didn't know what to do in this situation so i made what i thought was the right choice at the time and decided to wait on talking to her. Though i am now worried that despite turning him down, she will still grow to like him during her time spent with him.

I make my way back to my original spot next to Troy. I lean over and whisper to him what just happened. He leans over to give me some advice, advice that i definitely needed to hear.

"Look bro,......"

-To be Continued.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I want to feel that pain.

Bret and i were talking this weekend, and our conversation lead to how much of a man Jesus was. How much of a manly man he was. Bret pointed out that back when they used to whip people like they did Jesus, that many people would die before it was over. Because they did not want this to happen they would lessen the strength of the blow as they got closer to the number of total whips they were doing on a single person. As the person would cry out in pain they would lessen the strength of the blow until the last one was hardly anything at all.

But Jesus took them full force. Every single one of them. And you know the rest of the story.

I turned to Bret and told him something that probably sounds crazy. "You know Bret, i honestly have always (not really always but for a good chunk of time now) wanted to feel that pain. I want to have someone lash a whip across my back in the same way that it happened back then. I want to know what it was like. I want to feel what he felt. I want to know exactly what that kind of pain feels like." I wasn't talking in any sort of hidden meaning. I really want to feel that. If i was givin the chance to have that happen right now, i would take it.

Why? I don't know what drives me to want to experience that. I'm no stranger to pain. And i have a pretty high pain tolerance. I almost enjoy pain. Its not like a sadistic pleasureful type of thing. But its more about showing myself how much i can take. Proving to myself that i have control over my body, my feelings, my reactions. I don't enjoy the pain for the feeling. I enjoy pain for the test within.

I think about how different pain is on the inside compared to the outside. See I'm never one to run away from something because of a little bodily pain. But when it comes to emotional pain, i am the biggest track star in town. I run like no other from anything emotionally painful. It has ruined my high school days, and it still plagues me now.

You see, i am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid of being turned down. I am afraid of being hurt inside. Everything that i hate about myself, is deep deep inside. I have no courage when it comes to putting my heart on my sleeve and going for the things i really want emotionally. I will take the largest example of my life. Girls. When i like a girl...i don't normally tell her. Because i will probably be turned down. And then i don't feel good enough, and then i hurt inside. And i am terrified of feeling hurt inside. I have to KNOW that they like me back, before i will even try taking the step to express how i feel to them. The same thing happens when i had those "first kiss" with my ex's. I had to KNOW that they wanted to kiss me. And that ruined the romance of it all. I'm terrified of the day i ask someone to marry me. I'm terrified that she will say no. I'M TERRIFIED that her parents will say no. I don't know how i will muster up that courage. And its all because i am terrified of feelings the slightest of pains inside.

This is something i have tried to change myself, something i have prayed about, something i have struggled with a long long time. I have put that nickle in many times, and seen no gumball come out. And it plagues me to this day. If only i could utter those words, telling you how i feel. Then possibly things could be different. But i cant. Because I'm too scared. And I'm letting my fear control me. If only i could ask you one simple question, that could start it all. It seems so easy for everyone else. I saw it happen just yesterday. If only i wasn't this weak. If only i had the strength. If only i had the courage.

If i could only handle a little pain.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Spare me

I cant stand it when someone tries to impress me. Seriously, I hate it when someone tries to name drop, or activity drop (example "i went and scaled the Rockies last week and will be going to snorkel the great barrier reef next week." or "I am the leader of a non profit organization helping kids that were viciously attacked by lions and were left for dead missing more than two of their limbs and cant afford prosthetics because there parents don't have jobs after having there legs mangled by river otters in the amazon. " or "i go to church 7 days a week, i am the youth leader, i am the lead singer and guitarist of the worship team, i lead five bible studies a week, i lead the church on community based outreach programs, i disciple 24 people by meeting with each one two times in one week, and i frequently visit hospice to show all the dieing people that there is hope beyond their shrivelling decaying bodies."), or ANYTHING drop.

Seriously. Its OK to talk about things. But to drop them intentionally to try and impress me, look, its just not going to work. Because honestly, i don't care about that crap. It doesn't win points. Be who you are, because that's what i find interesting. Like i said, if i ask, or you are really excited about a certain event that just happened or it pertains to the conversation, go ahead and talk about those things. BUT DON'T do it as a way of impressing me.

Oh and here is something else to think about, when trying to find ways to impress me.

I'm not worth it. Seriously, if you are trying to impress me because you want to look cool to me, you want me to be interested in you, or you just want to fit in with me, realize.....seriously realize that i am not worth it. I'm not that cool, you seriously don't want someone like me to be interested in you because i am full of horrible sins you probably wont want to deal with, and well there is nothing to fit in to, i generally accept everyone for who they are and find myself trying to be the one to fit in.

Again i cant stress the fact more that i don't want this to be taken the wrong way. You CAN talk to me about high star power names, or amazing activities, or the amazing things god is doing in your life, I really am interested and i really want to know whats going on in all of my friends and acquaintances lives. I just don't want it to be talked about to impress me. Because there are times when it is obvious that that is the reason things like that are talked about.

I also don't mean to sound like a cocky arrogant conceded prick. I don't know why anyone would want to impress me, i have just noticed it a few different times in the past couple weeks. I am blown away as to why anyone would want to, but it has happened. I'm sorry if i sound like a dick. Again it blows my mind that anyone would even care to try and impress me as i am just a stupid boy with nothing to give to anyone. And I'm sorry if i come across as some macho full of himself popular jerk. Cause I'm definitely not macho, full of myself, or popular.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Im glad i read this, what an inspiration.

EUGENE, Ore. — A year ago, after she helped him move into his dorm at Oregon, Todd Doxey took his grandmother, Gladys, to Autzen Stadium and fantasized about his first game as a Duck.

"We stood there on that empty field," Gladys said, "and he pointed at the tunnel. He talked about how exciting it was going to be to storm into that stadium in front of all those fans.

Todd Doxey died eight weeks ago, leaving behind a legacy greater that belied his youth.
"I told him – I promised him – that I would be here to see it."

Gladys looked away. Her voice began to tremble.

"Today," she said, "was supposed to be that day."

One year later, true to her word, Gladys made the trip from San Diego to Eugene for last Saturday's season-opener against Washington. But a few hours before kickoff, she and Doxey's closest relatives and friends were nowhere near Autzen Stadium. Instead, 13 miles away, they gathered on a bank of the McKenzie River. Kneeling one by one, they dipped their hands into the cold water and gazed at the bridge 40 feet above.

"We needed to see it for ourselves," said JayDee Luster, Doxey's best friend. "We needed to see where Todd took his final breaths.

"We needed to see where he died."

Eight weeks have passed since Doxey, 19, drowned during a float trip down the McKenzie River and everyone, it seems, still is struggling to cope.

Nearly 3,000 people crammed into the pews for Doxey's funeral in his native San Diego, where he carried a 3.5 grade-point average and became the first person in his high school's history to have his football jersey retired.

In Oregon, tears trickled down players' cheeks Saturday as video clips of Doxey flashed across the JumboTron during a pregame ceremony.

Doxey, who redshirted last season, was expected to see significant playing time in the Ducks' loaded secondary this fall. Still, ask his friends and former teammates to tell stories about Doxey's life, and football isn't the first the thing they'll mention.

They'll tell you about kid who, each week last season, gave his four complimentary Ducks tickets to a young fan in a wheelchair.

They'll laugh about how Doxey bellowed Chris Brown songs in the shower, and they'll beam with admiration when explaining how Doxey emerged from a neighborhood infested by gang members, drugs and prostitution to become the first member of his family to attend college.

"The impressive thing is that, for the last eight weeks, we've heard all these people talking about Todd," Oregon coach Mike Bellotti said. "But they're not talking about how he died. They're talking about how he lived."


Oregon secondary coach John Neal was pulling into his driveway July 13 when he received the call that will haunt him forever. On the line was Ducks strong safety Patrick Chung, who informed him that Doxey had been in an accident.

"It's bad, coach," Chung said. "It's really bad."

The impressive thing is that, for the last eight weeks, we've heard all these people talking about Todd. But they're not talking about how he died. They're talking about how he lived.
— Oregon coach Mike Belotti on Doxey Float trips long have been a tradition for Oregon football players. Each year, a few weeks before the start of August two-a-days, about 30 gather at the McKenzie River, tie their inner tubes together and let the current take them on a relaxing two-hour ride.

This was Doxey's first time to make the trip, and friends said he was pumped.

"He'd been talking about it for a couple of weeks," teammate Will Wallace said.

While they were waiting for others to inflate their tubes, Doxey and some of his friends decided to enter the 62-degree water in an unconventional manner. Instead of wading in at ground level, they decided to plunge into the river from a 40-foot bridge.

It was a daunting leap, to be sure, but one that is practiced routinely by river-goers.

After gazing down at the water, Doxey turned to Wallace and suggested they say a prayer.

"We got done praying," Wallace said, "and Todd just smiled and said, 'God is on my side.' And then we jumped."

Wallace said about eight players made the leap. Once they hit the water, the current carried most of them to a dock, where their floats were waiting. Doxey, though, never made it that far.

Javes Lewis, Doxey's former roommate, watched Doxey struggle from a boat dock.

"Most of the guys were paddling and moving forward," Lewis said. "But Todd – he was paddling, but he was staying in one place. He wasn't moving. It was like something was pulling at him and keeping him from going anywhere."

Doxey eventually went under. According to published reports, he was submerged for about 10 minutes before a passing boater pulled him from the water. Witnesses – strangers – jumped into the boat and began administering CPR on Doxey until an ambulance arrived to take him to the hospital.

"I was back there with the doctors when they were trying to revive him," Neal said. "You could watch their body language and tell that it wasn't good. The pulmonary specialist came up to me and said, 'I don't think we can keep him alive until tomorrow.'

"The power of the machines kept him going for a little while, but the bottom line was that Todd was dead in the river. He had no chance."

Around 8:15, nearly five hours after he jumped into the river, Todd Doxey died at Sacred Heart Medical Center.

As Neal walked toward the waiting room, he looked through a glass window and saw about 50 of Doxey's teammates.

"Their heads were buried in their hands," he said. "The hospital had ordered about 30 pizzas for everyone, and they were just sitting there, untouched. The guys were there in their swimsuits. No shoes, no shirts.

"I didn't know what to do. Finally, I just gathered everyone around me and said, 'Todd's dead.' "

Neal paused and looked away.

"I still wish I would've handled it differently, you know, but it's just how it came out," he said. "The reaction – it was just horrible. It was like I dropped a bomb in there. Everyone just scattered. There was screaming and yelling and doors pounding.

"I'll remember those sounds forever. You see these kids – some of them are these mean old oxes, these big strong football players, these tough guys. They were just crushed."

There are so many people that feel blessed to have known Todd. But then there's the rest of the world – the people he would've come in contact with one day. Those are the ones who are being cheated.
— Ollie Goulston, Doxey's high school basketball coach The following week, Oregon booster Phil Knight provided a plane for about 15 coaches and players to fly to Doxey's funeral in San Diego. Others who didn't get seats made the 15-hour drive on their own.

For weeks after Doxey's death, Neal said there were those who continued to "beat themselves up" over what transpired.

"There's no reason to do that," he said. "That's like me saying, 'If I hadn't recruited him here, none of this would've happened.'

"No one knows exactly what happened to Todd. Maybe it was the current. Maybe he hit that cold water and panicked to the point where his body shut down. All sorts of things could've happened. It was nobody's fault."

Oregon wide receiver Jeff Maehl, who had moved in with Doxey about two weeks before his drowning, said he's trying block out the images of his friend's final moments.

"I was replaying it in my mind for about two or three weeks, but it's starting to fade away now," said Maehl, who also jumped from the bridge. "When I think about it, it brings back so many emotions.

"I'd rather remember Todd for the way I was used to seeing him and for all the fun times we had together."


Shortly after her grandson's death, Gladys Doxey found a bundle of his memoirs. One in particular stood out.

A different Ducks player will wear Todd Doxey's jersey each game this season: Patrick Chung wore it Saturday against Washington.
"He wrote that, in six years, he wanted to be in corporate America wearing a suit and tie to work," Gladys said. "He wanted to own his own business."

Such lofty ambitions were rare for someone who grew up in the Logan Heights section of San Diego. Doxey's basketball coach at Hoover High School, Ollie Goulston, said Doxey's neighborhood was "as bad as it gets."

"Most kids that come out of there aren't making it," said Goulston, who began coaching Doxey in youth basketball at age 9. "That's one of the reasons Todd stood out so much. He was a shining light amid a lot of darkness."

And folks in San Diego took notice.

At Hoover High – also the alma mater of baseball legend Ted Williams – Doxey was a class favorite and a mainstay on the honor roll. Shortly after he committed to play football for the Ducks, Neal flew down to visit Doxey during an economics class.

"The principal escorted me in," Neal said. "He waited until there was a break in the lecture and then said, 'Everyone, I just wanted to let you know that Todd will be playing football for the University of Oregon.'

"Every student in the room rose from their chair and gave him a standing ovation. That's when I really knew what kind of kid we were getting."

Those closest to Doxey said his character was molded by family, mainly his grandmother. When he wasn't staying with his father, Doxey lived down the street with Gladys throughout most of his childhood. Almost every day after enrolling at Oregon, his roommate overheard him making calls home.

"And I'm not talking about 15- or 20-minute calls," Lewis said. "He'd be on the phone with her for an hour at a time.

"He loved his grandmother. He was always quoting her, saying, 'Grandma said this, and Grandma said that.' She's obviously a special lady."

Almost every month as a freshman, Doxey found a way to round up enough money to fly back to San Diego. Sometimes he'd arrive unannounced and sneak into Gladys' house to surprise her. Other times, he'd drive around the neighborhood with gifts for all of his relatives – Oregon wrist bands for his 13-year-old cousins, a Ducks mini-football for his niece.

"Even if he was only in town for two days, he'd make it a point to stop by each and every house," said Doxey's cousin, Wade, who is 21. "We have a lot of young kids in our family, and they're all into sports. Todd made an impression on them. He was their role model."

Wade recalled a recent trip he and Todd made to a San Diego convenience store. Todd noticed a young woman in the parking lot, looking distressed. She told him her father had kicked her out of the house and that she wanted to return to her mother's place in a different city.

"Todd reached into his pocket, pulled out a wad of money and told her how to get to the Greyhound station," Wade said. "I don't know how much it was, but there was a $20 on top. I asked him what he was doing and he said, 'Hey, she needed help.' "

Wade also said Todd – unbeknownst to his coaches – befriended a young boy in a wheelchair last season outside of Autzen Stadium.

"Todd was redshirting, so none of us were flying up to the games," Wade said. "So each week, he'd give his four tickets to that little kid."

Oregon coach Mike Belotti is one of the many people talking about the way Doxey lived.
That's why no one was surprised when so many people filed into The Rock Church in San Diego for Doxey's funeral – friends, relatives, classmates, football fans, sportscasters, even strangers. They cried, they laughed, then they cried some more.

A similar scene took place Saturday at Autzen Stadium, where All-American candidate Chung took the field wearing Doxey's No. 29 for Oregon's 44-10 victory. A different player will don the number each week. Other team members wore tape that read "T.D. RIP," and every helmet was adorned with a sticker bearing Doxey's initials and number.

Maehl, the former roommate, said he had tears in his eyes when he ran out for the opening kickoff. After the game, players wrote Doxey messages in a notebook that will remain in his locker stall throughout the season.

"I'm going to tell him that we played our hearts out for him," said Maehl, who pointed toward the sky after scoring a touchdown. "He was here with us. I could feel it."

So, too, could the 10 or so friends and family members who traveled to Eugene from San Diego. Some of them sobbed as Doxey's highlight tape lighted up the JumboTron.

At one point, footage was shown of the postgame celebration that followed Hoover High's city basketball championship in 2006.

"Our whole team is on the court going crazy," Goulston said, "but off to the side, you can see Todd motioning toward his teammates to go shake the opponents' hands."

Goulston dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief.

"That's one of the things making this so tough to take," he said. "There are so many people that feel blessed to have known Todd. But then there's the rest of the world – the people he would've come in contact with one day. Those are the ones who are being cheated."

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Because of you.

Ive ran the motions through my head, (over and over)
Time and time again,
All the ways i wished you dead, (you said you still cared)
For all those messed up things you said.

I turned to the one who knew me best, (you were the best I'd ever had)
after all the ways you killed me,
my god, he put my heart at rest, (Ive never needed anyone)
he eased my thoughts so i could sleep.

It hurts to know i let you down, (I'm such a fool what have i done)
not good enough, you didn't stick around.
and I would do it all again, (i can fix this)
but in the end I'd be with you,
my love this time would shine through. (just give me one more chance)

And i miss having you around. (i miss you)

And God knows. (I miss you, I miss you)
God only knows (I miss you, i miss you.)
I miss you.

Baby forgive me for my mistakes (your eyes)
and all the things i put you through, (your smile)
my shortcomings kill me to this day, (your hair)
this day that I'm without you. (your touch)
I will love you more then you will ever know,
and hate myself for all that Ive done. (your laugh)
But by Gods grace i will grow, (your hands)
Into the man I'm meant to be, (your love)
and baby its because of you, (your walk)
that i am who i am, i am me.
(baby just let me love you)

Hollywood, would be jealous.

I am just going to get it over with and say it. I am so happy school is back in session. I guess i am lucky, not having to say that and worry about actually having to attend a school. I say it with the only reasoning being that all of the ASU kids are back. Which means NAV's is back. And i will be honest, NAV's pretty much rocks my world.

What i have done with navs since Friday the 22nd:

Hung out
Nav Night
Coffee Plantation
Rock Band
Dive in Movie

And in three more days, its off to the Nav camping trip. And its by a lake, which will be really cool cause i get to see all the little Arizona kids faces when the see a body of water for there first time in there lives. ;p

This weekend,coupled with only three days of work this week and then another three day weekend, has already helped me to relax and enjoy life again. Everything was getting so monotonous. Work brings me down so much. But i don't know what to do about it. Because its not the job, its just work in general. And i cant just not work. That wouldn't....work ;p

Anyway. I am excited for this weekend, its gonna be a blast.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

And i'm so sorry
It took too long to let you know that
It's alright, and it's ok
Cause they mean nothing anyway
Well soon you'll say that you're so alone
Well loneliness is all we get
Get used to it

Write this down
Remember every word
You're not the things they told you way back then
You're so much more than ideas in your head
So bury them
And keep them so they can return when you're alone
And so that you can fight them in the end

Randall's verse of the day :

Galatians 5:26

26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other