I have all these negative thoughts running through my head, and i really want to blog about them. Sadly though, this just isn't the place to do it. Not about these particular thoughts. Ive deleted 20 sentences now. I don't want to be that kind of guy. I don't want to play those kind of games. I don't want to be that kind of friend, or as it may be now, that kind of acquaintance. I wish i were a skilled writer so that i could truly articulate whats inside. So that i could make a perfect transition from thoughts to paper.
People make me sad.
I am so thankful for my girlfriend. Something was brought to my attention, that may have been offensive to her, and i mustered up the courage to apologize. I don't know how i did it, but its something that as a guy, specially one that thinks the way i do, its not an easy thing to do. I would have never apologized like that to any of my exes. Its no offence to them, its just, there is something about her and this relationship that i want to do everything i can to do whats right. So i apologized. She is amazing. She thanked me, and told me i didn't need to apologize. And that she agreed with me about what may have been offensive to her that wasn't. I guess doing the right thing reaps good rewards.
I am scared to make mistakes in life. What scares me more is knowingly making them. Doing something, and continuing to do something, that i know will have dire consequences in the end, and yet continuing to make them. Its a weakness that i haven't figured out how to defeat. The ability to defeat a routine.
This may come as a shock due to recent exploits that people don't agree with, but i was raised to respect women. I was raised never to lay a hand on one out of anger. I know i talk a big game and say things like I'm going to beat you up, but i promise you its all in fun and never serious. I was raised to let women go first, to open doors, and to use my please and my thank yous. Again despite what many may now think about me, i have grown on my own to respect women physically, mentally, and verbally. Bitch is a female dog. Slanged it is meant in an utmost demeaning way and i hate it when it is used about women. Which is why i don't listen to rap music. I have used the word once or twice towards a girl and i really, really despise myself for it. Because it is ONLY used with malicious intent. It has no descriptive meaning, it can only be used to hurt. There is one person i have used it towards that reads this blog, you know who you are, and i just hope you know i am deeply sorry. You knew that i despised that word and how i told you i would never say it to you. And at a time where i was being a complete prick i wanted to hurt you as bad as i could, and with the knowledge of how serious i knew that you knew i hated that word, i used it against you. And i am very sorry. Whenever i learn something about how men used to treat women, i try my hardest to emulate that. Back when we treated them like gold, like princesses, like something to be treasured. Its a difficult battle, because the world is changing so quickly. But i do my best. And obviously i fail at times.
I should try and work more, but i just have to many thoughts. I don't want to write them all down, because then no one will read them. So i will go now.
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