Relationships are shooting stars.

Where to start. I feel like throwing up. What have i done.

"I don't care if you have to work 15 hours a day, we have a bed in the medical room if you want to stay here." I guess that's what responsibility sounds like. And no he wasn't joking. While i am thankful that i have job security, this level of responsibility sucks. Grin and bear it right. I try.

Its been affecting me though. Psychologically. For the past three days the moment i get into my car (by myself) i get dizzy. Everything starts to spin. And i don't have the reaction time i should. I don't have the concentration level i should. I blew through a stop sign the other day. I didn't even see it. I was a second away from dieing. Look up "real life frogger" on youtube and click the first video. No joke it was something like that. That's not all though. Yesterday i was sitting in the car at lunch. And the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and i got real cold. I turned around and at the front of the building next to the entrance was a man. He was in a black suit. His head wasn't a mans head. It was a pigs head. Not like a normal pig. But like a creepy horrible pig. It had a nose ring. Its ears were like horns. It was beat red. Its eyes were as big as my hands. There was fire in its eyes. Its left ear was pierced. It had 4 visible teeth, the lower left one was broken. They were all yellow and black. It just stared at me. I blinked and shook my head (you know like they do in the movies when they see something they don't believe is there.) I closed my eyes and shook my head and opened them and it was gone. I don't know whats going on. I don't know whats wrong.

What else is going on in my life.

I was driving home the other day, and i heard this song. And it gave me that sensation that i have a memory(this one felt painful) attached to the song. I struggled to find what the memory was and i couldn't recall it. I hate that.

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough


I'm pretty sure i have some bad B.O. Or maybe bad breath. People are like a moth to the flame. The flame away from me. People invite people, and they go with. I invite people, and they go away.

I don't know whats real, and whats not anymore. I don't know whats genuine. I don't know how to interpret. I guess its because the massive lies she fed me. I guess its because of the way she said what i wanted to hear, just to put 3 million miles between us once i gave her the inch of space she wanted. It would be easier if i was blind.

I feel like the world is telling me to run. And i would give in. But i question everything. "which way?" I ask. I get no answer. So i stay put.

You are brilliant. You are a light in the darkness. You are one of the coolest people i have ever met. You are worth. And i am not. I wish i was. It would be swell. It would be all i could ask for.



Randall's lyrics of the day: (i dedicate this song to someone i once knew, hey lush, have fun...)


Is this what you want?
'Cause everybody acts without a clue
Every little kiss and grin you gave
Was just a little bullshit I saw through

The alcohol is scented with your breath
You're always all done up to just be used
I'm waiting for excuses that deceive
I'll meet you in the back to see them through

How did I let her inside?
We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your girlfriend

It hurts...

Are you out of your mind?
You dug yourself into a liar’s hole
You made a little spark to live inside
It’s now a fucking fire out of control
And when the morning comes you’ll act surprised
And when the word gets out it will get old
And every day you’ll try to live your life
And every little scandal will unfold

How did I let her inside?
We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your girlfriend

(It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts)
(It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts) Your best friend is not your girlfriend


Randall's verse of the day :

Isaiah 25:8


8He will swallow up death for all time,
And the Lord GOD will wipe tears away from all faces,
And He will remove the reproach of His people from all the earth;
For the LORD has spoken.

Diary of a Failure

It’s the resting of the end of her foot on my knee. It’s her hand resting on top of mine, played off in the most casual way. It’s when she gets up, and as she walks past me, she slightly runs her nails down my knee cap. It’s that extra two second my hand stays in yours. It’s the glance and wink. It’s the smile when he looks down. It’s the way she hugs.

Sometimes I wonder, do girls know what they are doing? Sometimes I wonder, are these things done on purpose? And if so, is there a motive behind them? Is there something more, something deeper, then my reflection on the surface? Is it for the attention? Or do they not even know. Is it just part of they way the female species is, and they have no idea how meaningful those things can be?

Understand this is in no way me wondering if anyone likes me. It is just me wondering. Because things like that stick. They don’t just go away. They leave me asking myself. What was that? Sometimes even, I question if they really happened. I ask myself, did that really happen, or was that just something you imagined, are you immediately exaggerating something that just happened to be something bigger then it really was?

It’s the way she circles her nails, slightly across my back, as she passed by.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

I will say yes...
The question asked in order to save her life or take it
The answer no avoided death, the answer yes would make it

"Do you believe in God?" written on the bullet
Say yes to pull the trigger
"Do you believe in God?" written on the bullet
And Cassie pulls the trigger

All heads are bowed in silence to remember her last sentence
She answered him, knowing what would happen
Her last words still hanging in the air

How many will die? I will die. I will say yes. Yes.



Randall's verse of the day :

1 Corinthians 9:25-27

25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.
27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize

Too Infinity...and beyond!

Lets change the situation. Lets change it all. Lets say I'm the one on top of the world. Lets say I'm the singer, the fighter, the model, the star quarterback. Lets say i have all these connections and throw the best get togethers. Lets say Ive got talent at everything i do. Lets say i was the one who makes others feel inadequate just by being around them, and even being nice to them. Lets say i am the one who will lust over every girl even while i am genuinely trying to get your attention. Lets say i am everyones "probably the coolest guy i know".

Would i have a chance then?

I think my problem is I'm hard to satisfy. I only want the best. I cant settle for mediocrity. I had the closest to the best i may ever get. But i messed that all up. And now I'm playing this game again. Thinking I'm someone with far better credentials then i will ever have. And having far beyond realistic goals. No i cant settle for what i deserve. I try and pull only the brightest stars out of the sky. The problem is they are never anywhere close to being in my reach. And I'm no astronaut.

What i would give to be an astronaut.


Randall's lyrics of the day:

I know what it's like,
growing up without your
father in your life
So I pretend, I'm doing all I can
And I hope someday you'll
find it in your heart

To understand
Why I'm not around
And forgive me for not
being in your life

I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Remember waiting there to
find nothing at all
I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Waiting there to find nothing at all

I pray I get the chance
To make it up to you
We got a lot of catching up to do

Forgive me!
I'm so sorry!
I will make it up to you....


Randall's verse of the day :

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Dead by Midnight.

I don't think its the job that makes me upset. Its all the time to think while i am working, that drives me to dislike the time i spend at work. Sometimes i can be really constructive, most times though i am deeply pessimistic. Every now and then my brain send my conscious small hints of narcissism, most days though, I'm strangled by low self esteem. Its sometimes so bad that i think to myself a whole team of diggers couldn't find the positive in me. You would have to dig through the ten layers of self loathing, take a jack hammer through the 10 foot deep slab of low self esteem, sweep away the layer of guilt, and carefully chisel away the fear that engulfs me.

Its amazing how you can grow up in the same world, and yet, grow up in a completely contrasted world to someone else. Its amazing how you can have such strong feelings of like or dislike, hate or love for things that you never really had a reason for. Because of the world you grew up in. My family would have loved to shelter me. They would have loved to keep me from all the bad in the world. They would have loved for me to grow up not knowing about all the stupid things our generation participates in. And somehow, without never really having my own deep thoughts about things, i have grown to love and despise different things. I have grown to have such strong feelings about them, and never even scratched the surface of the reality of them. Because people influence me.

It still happens today. It still happens now in my life. The people around me influence me. Not like a hey go smoke this or hey go jump of this bridge or any single form of action. But they influence the way i feel about things. They influence the way i depict the world and myself. I'm tired of being disgusted with myself. I'm tired of loathing myself. As much as i love the people i call friend and acquaintances, a part of me is really disturbed towards them. The thing is, is people can be so judgemental, they can be so set in their own ways, that they wont stand for anything else. They will push every part of who they are, and say that its the right way. And say that its how everyone should be. I know this because i am guilty of it in the worst ways. Honestly its punishing. Because the way everyone pushes there way onto everyone else, it sometimes sinks through, and though i am strong enough to know my own opinion about things, i am not strong enough to not feel like crap when i do them because of what people say.

Look. I don't care if you don't like alcohol, or you don't like cigars, or you don't like people who dye their hair black, or you don't like tattoos, or you don't like clothing that make a point, or you don't like it when a guy and a girl kiss in public, and so on and so on. If i do something that makes you STUMBLE, let me know. (and I'm emphasizing stumble for a reason, there is a difference between something causing you to stumble and just not liking something.) I will, to the best of my ability, refrain from doing anything that makes you stumble, around you. I will. BUT. Don't tell me the things i do are bad. Don't tell me I'm in the wrong. Don't tell me that your opinion is right and mine is wrong. Don't force your opinion on me. I read the bible. I consult the bible and i consult other people whom i consider mentors or even older brothers, whom i trust and will thoroughly listen to their take on it and i will take it into consideration. I know I'm not going to agree with everyone about everything. Even biblicaly. But i do, and only god knows, i do strive to do what i interpret the bible to tell me to do.

So please, if you have an opinion on something, don't hesitate to let me know. But don't try and force it upon me, don't try and use it to make me feel like crap. And by the way. This really isn't directed at anyone. Just the world in general. Also. My self esteem issues go far beyond what the world does and most of it is due to my own problems. So im not saying that the world is the entire cause of any of my problems.


Randall's lyrics of the day:

Behold! The human being, more primitive than television
The urges in the hearts of men, older than the science within
The machine comes apart with ease, the doctor’s operating table
The hearts of men do as they please
John Wayne Gacy, Cain and Able

Feeding images into you, prying your eyeballs open
Somewhere deep inside, it’s true
The red you see remains unspoken
The death, the rape, the tragedy
The world is an ugly place
What’s capable in side of me
Is going to rear its ugly face

Taught to close our eyes and tuck ourselves away in silence
For centuries the world dies, everything I see is violence

There’s nothing new under the sun


Randall's verse of the day :

1 Corinthians 2:10-12

10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.
11For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
12We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

Drop dead, Gorgeous.

Its getting much easier now that i see the truth. You see. I would have poured everything into you. But as i reached for the cup you slapped my hand away. You never filled the cup in the first place. This was all just a game. A revenge mission for all the others that have hurt you. A mission to gain inutile items and then destroy what i had left. Well it didn't work. I see through those fallacious eyes. And I'm better off because of them. I don't need you. I have everything i need.

Many of us will hear "I would give my life for you. I would take a bullet for you. I would do anything for you." Isn't it such a wonderful thing to hear? Well how often do you think its the truth? One person has told me they would die for me, guess what, he did. And i am so thankful for him. Yeah I'm about to use something very unoriginal. But the its the truth. I'm in love with a man. You see, Jesus Christ died for me. For me specifically. He died for you too.

Can you ever really trust someone? Its a hard thing to grasp. Absolute trust. When I'm told the world is full of evil and that NO ONE is perfect. I find absolute trust a difficult task. But what if we didn't need to trust people. What if we could be in relationships that didn't involve having to trust the other person? And I'm not talking about the no strings attached, I'll show you mine if you show me yours first kind of relationship. I'm talking about a deep relationship that is everything God intends it to be. You see through talking with many people and talking with myself and talking with God, i have found a solution to my trust problem. I don't have to trust you. I don't have to trust my friends. I don't have to trust my future girlfriend. I have to trust God. You see, i feel that if i trust in Gods ultimate plan for my life. If i trust in Gods promises, then i never have to worry about what any one particular person does. If i truly trust in Gods plan for my life, then no matter what anyone in my life does, as long as i live my life to glorify him and trust him, then his plan will bear its fruit eventually. I can trust my future girlfriend, because i trust gods plan. I can trust my friends, because i trust gods plan. I can trust that dark alley, because i trust gods plan.

And thus, i don't need your silly games. I don't need to play this way. I trust Gods plan. You, world. Gorgeous, beautiful, evil world. You have nothing to offer me. You will drop dead. And you will regret having turned away from what is so obviously right.




Randall's lyrics of the day:

And I scream,
And nobody listens.
And I scream,
But everyone's louder.
Drink until everything seems to make sense,
In this desperate night, we were all wearing costume.

Lay awake until the stomach settles.
Just one taste will make it all feel better.

I don't fear, I don't fear, I don't fear, I don't fear.
I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.

You never had the guts to face me, to face me

"I don't believe we've met...
Allow me to introduce myself."

"I don't believe we've met.
When I look at you I can see myself."


Randall's verse of the day :

John 1:12

12Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—

A GoldDigger Eats A Millionaire(And Vice Versa)

Well. I have learned a lot about myself the last few days. Some of it i dont like. Some of it i do. I did some things last week not for my own glory, but to truly try and help someone people. I really enjoyed the feeling. And while i wasnt really proud of myself, i was very happy with what i had done. I did some other things this past week that im not to proud of.

Im still struggling with the biggest problem in my life, but i feel i am on the cusp of overcoming it and its just a matter of pushing myself to the limit.

I also have begun to see the truth about certain things. I have realised that behind all the lies it wasnt really about me as much as it was about what i could provide. And while that bothers me a bit, it helps at the same time.

I pretty much love being busy. I didnt touch a video game this last week and im thrilled by that. Not that i felt that i had a problem. It just ment i didnt have any free time. And thats a great thing. I love having my friends. I love getting to know new people and old friends better.

I LOVE sitting on the roof of a house and watching fireworks.

I made some decisions this past week that im not sure if i regret. Well. Im sure that i dont regret them. I dont regret them at all. I actually am happy that i did. What im not sure about is if i should regret them. I mean, i didnt do anything wrong. I didnt do anything im not supposed to. But i did things that others might attack me for, or might have their own opinion of as wrong.

I have started doing HIIT with a kettlebell and it is very much amazing. I love it. I could immediatly tell it was the most effective work out i have ever had. And today i am really feeling it. What i love about it is how short it is, and the motions involved. For the first time it was FUN. I worked out, and enjoyed it. I want to do it again today but that wouldnt be good. But i want to. And its going to provide results. I know this. And i cant wait.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss and no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.

The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give.

For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.


Randall's verse of the day :

Psalm 18:46

The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!

Sometimes it makes me sick.

"That's What She Said." It's Michael's tortured 8th grade-level double entendre that seems to be less of a conscious effort than an instinct level form of bad comedy Tourette's Syndrome.


I remember when i first started hearing this phrase more and more. I was battling some lust problems (that have all but gone away) and i think i at least asked some people to at least cut back on the amount they used this phrase around me. Like Michael in the TV show The Office I'm pretty sure its got to the point where some people just cant control it. It seems to me that it really has gotten to be an almost instinctual response. And it does make me sick to my stomach sometime. You know, i have overheard people talking about things we shouldn't say or do and sometime have even brought up "That's what she said". Unfortunately people have brought it up in an almost redeeming fashion. The reference it like you know at least "That's what she said" is not all that bad. Ugh.

Well i am here to argue. Maybe i cant speak for everyone. But i can speak for myself. And honestly, it doesn't help the lust problem. In fact, it makes it much harder. Couldn't help it could you? Now don't get me wrong, i am in no way more of a victim than i am a culprit. I have grown a bit accustomed to hearing it and saying it. So my cry for it to stop is not just to attack everyone else who uses it. But myself as well. Its something i have been working on. But i do need, for my own good, a little more participation.

See here is the problem. Say for examples, my lust problem is i cant stop staring at a girls boobs or butt, or say i cant stop having sex with anybody, or say i look at porn. The conversation would go something like this. Hey randy want to help me real quick? Yeah sure man what do you need? Could you just help me hammer this in? Seriously? You cant do that on your own? Are you in the right hole? "That's what she said". HAHAHA funny right? Lets pause it directly at the moment after "That's what she said" was uttered. What pops into your mind? What do you picture, what do you think of? If there are 10 people in the room that overhear that, what do they think of? If someone doesn't understand it the are trying to grasp the joke, so they think and they try and visualize the conversation to understand the joke. If i have the problem having sex, or the problem looking at porn, well one could assume that the moment i visualize the "that's what she said joke" that that person would be weakened in his fight to control himself and eventually later give in. Everyone laughs, some give high fives or hand shakes, and congratulate the guy for perfect timing. At the very least, that is putting ourselves in a position that we are saying its OK to talk and think about that stuff.

As Christians are we not only supposed to hold ourselves to a higher standard but also avoid the appearance of evil? Imagine what that looks like to those on the outside? I know when people say that i cant help but wonder is that person really pure? Is that person really the saint they are supposed to be behind closed doors when no one is watching? I can only imagine what someone who is not christian feels about me every time i say that.

Look. I don't care if you agree with me or disagree. All I'm asking is please, Once again, cut back on the phrase around me. Whether you agree or not, it does affect me and my own lust problems in negative ways. So please, if you can, cut back on the phrase. And if you hear me use it, please call me out on it.



Randall's lyrics of the day:

So cut my wrists and black my eyes
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you killed me,
You know you do, you kill me well, you like it too and I can tell,
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words,
I love you is all she heard,
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.


Randall's verse of the day :

Matthew 15:10-11

10Jesus called the crowd to him and said, "Listen and understand. 11What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.' "