Give me your eyes

For a while now i have wanted to draw closer to the people i am in contact with often. There are a few people that i would call friends that I'm not to close to that i would like to be. A few people that i know that aren't exactly on a great path and could be headed for trouble. I want to help. There are people i care about that could really use god and i would love to be his tool to bring him to them. But ever since dating my ex i am terrified to do it. I tried to show her my god, and it started off really well. And then i started getting frustrated because i couldn't just beat her over the head with god. I needed to slow down and take it one step at a time, and i just wasn't patient enough to do that. I am scared because if i couldn't do whats right for someone i cared enough to be in a relationship with (gonna have to listen to god next time and go with the whole equally yoked thing ;p), how can i do it for someone I'm just friends with. Not only that but my recent struggles with the hypocrisy of Christians has really put a stain on how i view people in this world. It has tarnished my image of what i would like to call good people and has really lead me to care less about humanity in general, christian or not. And this feeling has lead me to write off trying to help anybody. It has lead me to not get into peoples lives, it has lead me to not show those non believers i care about, that i care. Be it the guy at work. Or some of my newer friends that i have been talkin to the last couple months. It lead me to give up and subdue this passion i have to show god to these people. I have all but accepted my failure and given up hope that i could help people at this point in my life, until yesterday i realized for the past two days god had been trying to remind me of that passion and burn it inside me a little bit.

Tuesday i was nearing the end of work and i got the song "Give me your eyes" by Brandon Heath stuck in my head. It came out of nowhere but it stuck in my head for maybe the last 20 minutes of work. After work i went to my car and once the radio came on, the very first thing i heard was the very beginning of "Give me your eyes" on the radio. It was absolute perfect timing as i heard the song in its entirety. Its like someone was watching me and the moment i turned my car on they pushed the play button so that i wouldn't miss a note. At first i didn't think much of it, just a cool coincidence. But then yesterday once again the last 20 minutes of work i got "Give me your eyes" stuck in my head again. As i walked out to my car singing it i thought about how much i enjoyed that song. I turned my car and, and EXACTLY like the day before without missing a note "Give me your eyes" came right on. At this point i was thinking there had to be something more to it. So i listened to the words and let them sit inside of me for a while. I grasped the meaning of everything that had happened and the coincidences i like to call God. He was speaking to me. Trying to get that fire burning again. I need to love. I need to love and i need to be loved. I need to love, to be loved, to care, and to be cared about, i need to share God, and have God shared with me. I need to look at the world from the view of love that God has instructed me to do.

About a month or two ago after hanging around so many couples all the time i was really itching to find a girlfriend. When i dug into my feelings and why i felt like i needed a girlfriend, it had nothing to do with any of the right reasons for having a girlfriend. I simply needed someone to care about. I didn't need someone to care about me. I didn't need that search for something long term. I just needed someone i could care about. And because i have been so upset at the people in this world, i couldn't just care about people. So i subsided to feeling like i needed a girlfriend to pour that into. A girlfriend to care about. Fortunately God knows what he is doing. Lucky for me God was like NO! God was going to have it his way, and in due time, was going to show me the mistakes in my thought process. And while its been a while that i have understood that i don't need a girlfriend, i am just now understanding why i don't need one specific person to care about. (not that a girlfriend is out of the question or anything, i just don't NEED it like i thought i did ;p) And that's because i have many specific people that i can care about, if i just let myself. If i just open my eyes and start caring about the world around me, and peoples lives, stories, troubles and accomplishments, i can find people that i can pour every once of effort into. And i am happy with that. I am more than content with that. Its exciting.

I am thankful that God knows what he is doing, because i sure don't. I can only imagine how much of a mess i would have made my life if i was driving.

Here is the song lyrics:


Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Wasnt it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
again
again
yeah
yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
To ashamed to tell his wife
Hes out of work
Hes buying time
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Wasnt it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
again
again
yeah
yeah


Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Chorus (x2)
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Wasnt it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
again
again
yeah
yeah

The Game of Life.

The phone rings.

"Hello?"
"Hey bro, want to go get a drink?"
"Yeah, yeah i do."
"Sweet man, meet me at Tail's in 15."
"Word."

Its 6:30pm and my day just started. I throw on my jeans and a nice shirt. I brush my teeth and do my hair. I shout "Later!" to my roommate Brian and shut the door behind me. I make my way down the stairs to my car. I drive 10 minutes to the parking lot on Evan's st. and pull my ticket. I walk to the bar and look around. Troy still isn't here.

I sit down and the bartender asks me what i want. She's kind of cute so i flirt with her a bit. "I'm not sure what i want, whats your favorite?" "Are you looking for a beer or a mixed drink?" She asks. "Surprise me." I reply with a wink. I look around the bar again and Troy still hasn't showed up. I grab my cell phone to see if i may have missed his call. "Here you go babe." She says as she hands me my drink. "Its a Kiss of Fire, with apple schnapps, i call it the Poison Apple." It sounds delicious. "Sounds awesome, thanks doll."

I slide my phone to my ear as it dials Troy's number. He picks up and barely manages a hello. He sounds tired all of the sudden.

"Hey man, you almost here?"
"What are you talking about bro?"
"Tails man, Ive been waitin for 10 minutes."
"Robert, what are you talking about?"
"Troy, you called me 45 minutes ago and told me to meet you at Tails, stop playin around man."
"I didn't call you dog, check your phone. Your losin it man, I'm goin back to sleep."
"Dude, its 6:30 at night what are you doin sleeping?"

Wondering what is going on i go to my call log on my phone. As I'm seconds away from viewing who called me, a girl comes up and asks if i want to play pool with her. She is kinda cute too, so in between being astonished that she is even paying attention to me i get out "Sure, but don't expect me to let you win." I turn around to buy another Poison Apple for me and the girl, and notice a large man standing behind the bar.

"Whoa, what happened to the woman bartender?"
"She just asked you to play pool with her man, are you alright?"

That drink must have hit me quick, i didn't even notice. I walk over to the pool table with a slightly embarrassed look on my face. She laughs at me a little bit.

"I'm sorry Ive just,....Its been a weird day."
"Don't apologize, I'm Samantha, I'm glad you came in tonight. You ready to lose, boy."
"Its Robert, and there is no way i am losing to you tonight."



Three months pass and we are good friends. Ive had a crush on her since the day i walked into that bar but haven't found the courage to tell her. I have a feeling that she is making it obvious that she wants me to, but I'm to dumb and blind to see it. We are going out with some friends tonight to the waffle house and i think i may pull her aside and tell her.

We get to the waffle house and everyone is having a good time. Everyone is laughing and telling jokes, and i can see her making eye contact with me from across the table. I ask everyone to move out of the way so i can use the bathroom. As i return to sit back down at the table i tell everyone to just scoot in so that i am right across from her. As i sit down she smiles that smile that makes her whole face light up. We talk small talk for a few minutes as i build up the courage to pull her aside. Right as i go to ask her for a minute alone the worst happens.

Kyle says "Hey Samantha, would you like to hang with me sometime tomorrow?"
Samantha quickly shuts him down in the nicest of ways "Yeah Kyle, some friends and i are going to the mall tomorrow, you should come with us."

And now I'm lost. Aside from the fear of being rejected that has returned i now have another problem. I have never been the kind of person to date someone that one of my good friends really likes. Now I'm stuck in this state of wanting to ask Samantha on a date, but wanting to respect Kyles feelings. Life throws the most difficult curve balls sometimes, and no matter how you swing the bat your still going to hit a foul. I didn't know what to do in this situation so i made what i thought was the right choice at the time and decided to wait on talking to her. Though i am now worried that despite turning him down, she will still grow to like him during her time spent with him.

I make my way back to my original spot next to Troy. I lean over and whisper to him what just happened. He leans over to give me some advice, advice that i definitely needed to hear.

"Look bro,......"




-To be Continued.

I want to feel that pain.

Bret and i were talking this weekend, and our conversation lead to how much of a man Jesus was. How much of a manly man he was. Bret pointed out that back when they used to whip people like they did Jesus, that many people would die before it was over. Because they did not want this to happen they would lessen the strength of the blow as they got closer to the number of total whips they were doing on a single person. As the person would cry out in pain they would lessen the strength of the blow until the last one was hardly anything at all.

But Jesus took them full force. Every single one of them. And you know the rest of the story.

I turned to Bret and told him something that probably sounds crazy. "You know Bret, i honestly have always (not really always but for a good chunk of time now) wanted to feel that pain. I want to have someone lash a whip across my back in the same way that it happened back then. I want to know what it was like. I want to feel what he felt. I want to know exactly what that kind of pain feels like." I wasn't talking in any sort of hidden meaning. I really want to feel that. If i was givin the chance to have that happen right now, i would take it.

Why? I don't know what drives me to want to experience that. I'm no stranger to pain. And i have a pretty high pain tolerance. I almost enjoy pain. Its not like a sadistic pleasureful type of thing. But its more about showing myself how much i can take. Proving to myself that i have control over my body, my feelings, my reactions. I don't enjoy the pain for the feeling. I enjoy pain for the test within.

I think about how different pain is on the inside compared to the outside. See I'm never one to run away from something because of a little bodily pain. But when it comes to emotional pain, i am the biggest track star in town. I run like no other from anything emotionally painful. It has ruined my high school days, and it still plagues me now.

You see, i am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid of being turned down. I am afraid of being hurt inside. Everything that i hate about myself, is deep deep inside. I have no courage when it comes to putting my heart on my sleeve and going for the things i really want emotionally. I will take the largest example of my life. Girls. When i like a girl...i don't normally tell her. Because i will probably be turned down. And then i don't feel good enough, and then i hurt inside. And i am terrified of feeling hurt inside. I have to KNOW that they like me back, before i will even try taking the step to express how i feel to them. The same thing happens when i had those "first kiss" with my ex's. I had to KNOW that they wanted to kiss me. And that ruined the romance of it all. I'm terrified of the day i ask someone to marry me. I'm terrified that she will say no. I'M TERRIFIED that her parents will say no. I don't know how i will muster up that courage. And its all because i am terrified of feelings the slightest of pains inside.

This is something i have tried to change myself, something i have prayed about, something i have struggled with a long long time. I have put that nickle in many times, and seen no gumball come out. And it plagues me to this day. If only i could utter those words, telling you how i feel. Then possibly things could be different. But i cant. Because I'm too scared. And I'm letting my fear control me. If only i could ask you one simple question, that could start it all. It seems so easy for everyone else. I saw it happen just yesterday. If only i wasn't this weak. If only i had the strength. If only i had the courage.

If i could only handle a little pain.

Spare me

I cant stand it when someone tries to impress me. Seriously, I hate it when someone tries to name drop, or activity drop (example "i went and scaled the Rockies last week and will be going to snorkel the great barrier reef next week." or "I am the leader of a non profit organization helping kids that were viciously attacked by lions and were left for dead missing more than two of their limbs and cant afford prosthetics because there parents don't have jobs after having there legs mangled by river otters in the amazon. " or "i go to church 7 days a week, i am the youth leader, i am the lead singer and guitarist of the worship team, i lead five bible studies a week, i lead the church on community based outreach programs, i disciple 24 people by meeting with each one two times in one week, and i frequently visit hospice to show all the dieing people that there is hope beyond their shrivelling decaying bodies."), or ANYTHING drop.

Seriously. Its OK to talk about things. But to drop them intentionally to try and impress me, look, its just not going to work. Because honestly, i don't care about that crap. It doesn't win points. Be who you are, because that's what i find interesting. Like i said, if i ask, or you are really excited about a certain event that just happened or it pertains to the conversation, go ahead and talk about those things. BUT DON'T do it as a way of impressing me.

Oh and here is something else to think about, when trying to find ways to impress me.

I'm not worth it. Seriously, if you are trying to impress me because you want to look cool to me, you want me to be interested in you, or you just want to fit in with me, realize.....seriously realize that i am not worth it. I'm not that cool, you seriously don't want someone like me to be interested in you because i am full of horrible sins you probably wont want to deal with, and well there is nothing to fit in to, i generally accept everyone for who they are and find myself trying to be the one to fit in.


Again i cant stress the fact more that i don't want this to be taken the wrong way. You CAN talk to me about high star power names, or amazing activities, or the amazing things god is doing in your life, I really am interested and i really want to know whats going on in all of my friends and acquaintances lives. I just don't want it to be talked about to impress me. Because there are times when it is obvious that that is the reason things like that are talked about.

I also don't mean to sound like a cocky arrogant conceded prick. I don't know why anyone would want to impress me, i have just noticed it a few different times in the past couple weeks. I am blown away as to why anyone would want to, but it has happened. I'm sorry if i sound like a dick. Again it blows my mind that anyone would even care to try and impress me as i am just a stupid boy with nothing to give to anyone. And I'm sorry if i come across as some macho full of himself popular jerk. Cause I'm definitely not macho, full of myself, or popular.

Im glad i read this, what an inspiration.

EUGENE, Ore. — A year ago, after she helped him move into his dorm at Oregon, Todd Doxey took his grandmother, Gladys, to Autzen Stadium and fantasized about his first game as a Duck.

"We stood there on that empty field," Gladys said, "and he pointed at the tunnel. He talked about how exciting it was going to be to storm into that stadium in front of all those fans.



Todd Doxey died eight weeks ago, leaving behind a legacy greater that belied his youth.
"I told him – I promised him – that I would be here to see it."

Gladys looked away. Her voice began to tremble.

"Today," she said, "was supposed to be that day."

One year later, true to her word, Gladys made the trip from San Diego to Eugene for last Saturday's season-opener against Washington. But a few hours before kickoff, she and Doxey's closest relatives and friends were nowhere near Autzen Stadium. Instead, 13 miles away, they gathered on a bank of the McKenzie River. Kneeling one by one, they dipped their hands into the cold water and gazed at the bridge 40 feet above.

"We needed to see it for ourselves," said JayDee Luster, Doxey's best friend. "We needed to see where Todd took his final breaths.

"We needed to see where he died."

Eight weeks have passed since Doxey, 19, drowned during a float trip down the McKenzie River and everyone, it seems, still is struggling to cope.

Nearly 3,000 people crammed into the pews for Doxey's funeral in his native San Diego, where he carried a 3.5 grade-point average and became the first person in his high school's history to have his football jersey retired.

In Oregon, tears trickled down players' cheeks Saturday as video clips of Doxey flashed across the JumboTron during a pregame ceremony.

Doxey, who redshirted last season, was expected to see significant playing time in the Ducks' loaded secondary this fall. Still, ask his friends and former teammates to tell stories about Doxey's life, and football isn't the first the thing they'll mention.

They'll tell you about kid who, each week last season, gave his four complimentary Ducks tickets to a young fan in a wheelchair.

They'll laugh about how Doxey bellowed Chris Brown songs in the shower, and they'll beam with admiration when explaining how Doxey emerged from a neighborhood infested by gang members, drugs and prostitution to become the first member of his family to attend college.

"The impressive thing is that, for the last eight weeks, we've heard all these people talking about Todd," Oregon coach Mike Bellotti said. "But they're not talking about how he died. They're talking about how he lived."



'IT'S BAD, COACH'

Oregon secondary coach John Neal was pulling into his driveway July 13 when he received the call that will haunt him forever. On the line was Ducks strong safety Patrick Chung, who informed him that Doxey had been in an accident.

"It's bad, coach," Chung said. "It's really bad."


The impressive thing is that, for the last eight weeks, we've heard all these people talking about Todd. But they're not talking about how he died. They're talking about how he lived.
— Oregon coach Mike Belotti on Doxey Float trips long have been a tradition for Oregon football players. Each year, a few weeks before the start of August two-a-days, about 30 gather at the McKenzie River, tie their inner tubes together and let the current take them on a relaxing two-hour ride.

This was Doxey's first time to make the trip, and friends said he was pumped.

"He'd been talking about it for a couple of weeks," teammate Will Wallace said.

While they were waiting for others to inflate their tubes, Doxey and some of his friends decided to enter the 62-degree water in an unconventional manner. Instead of wading in at ground level, they decided to plunge into the river from a 40-foot bridge.

It was a daunting leap, to be sure, but one that is practiced routinely by river-goers.

After gazing down at the water, Doxey turned to Wallace and suggested they say a prayer.

"We got done praying," Wallace said, "and Todd just smiled and said, 'God is on my side.' And then we jumped."

Wallace said about eight players made the leap. Once they hit the water, the current carried most of them to a dock, where their floats were waiting. Doxey, though, never made it that far.

Javes Lewis, Doxey's former roommate, watched Doxey struggle from a boat dock.

"Most of the guys were paddling and moving forward," Lewis said. "But Todd – he was paddling, but he was staying in one place. He wasn't moving. It was like something was pulling at him and keeping him from going anywhere."

Doxey eventually went under. According to published reports, he was submerged for about 10 minutes before a passing boater pulled him from the water. Witnesses – strangers – jumped into the boat and began administering CPR on Doxey until an ambulance arrived to take him to the hospital.

"I was back there with the doctors when they were trying to revive him," Neal said. "You could watch their body language and tell that it wasn't good. The pulmonary specialist came up to me and said, 'I don't think we can keep him alive until tomorrow.'

"The power of the machines kept him going for a little while, but the bottom line was that Todd was dead in the river. He had no chance."

Around 8:15, nearly five hours after he jumped into the river, Todd Doxey died at Sacred Heart Medical Center.

As Neal walked toward the waiting room, he looked through a glass window and saw about 50 of Doxey's teammates.

"Their heads were buried in their hands," he said. "The hospital had ordered about 30 pizzas for everyone, and they were just sitting there, untouched. The guys were there in their swimsuits. No shoes, no shirts.

"I didn't know what to do. Finally, I just gathered everyone around me and said, 'Todd's dead.' "

Neal paused and looked away.

"I still wish I would've handled it differently, you know, but it's just how it came out," he said. "The reaction – it was just horrible. It was like I dropped a bomb in there. Everyone just scattered. There was screaming and yelling and doors pounding.

"I'll remember those sounds forever. You see these kids – some of them are these mean old oxes, these big strong football players, these tough guys. They were just crushed."


There are so many people that feel blessed to have known Todd. But then there's the rest of the world – the people he would've come in contact with one day. Those are the ones who are being cheated.
— Ollie Goulston, Doxey's high school basketball coach The following week, Oregon booster Phil Knight provided a plane for about 15 coaches and players to fly to Doxey's funeral in San Diego. Others who didn't get seats made the 15-hour drive on their own.

For weeks after Doxey's death, Neal said there were those who continued to "beat themselves up" over what transpired.

"There's no reason to do that," he said. "That's like me saying, 'If I hadn't recruited him here, none of this would've happened.'

"No one knows exactly what happened to Todd. Maybe it was the current. Maybe he hit that cold water and panicked to the point where his body shut down. All sorts of things could've happened. It was nobody's fault."

Oregon wide receiver Jeff Maehl, who had moved in with Doxey about two weeks before his drowning, said he's trying block out the images of his friend's final moments.

"I was replaying it in my mind for about two or three weeks, but it's starting to fade away now," said Maehl, who also jumped from the bridge. "When I think about it, it brings back so many emotions.

"I'd rather remember Todd for the way I was used to seeing him and for all the fun times we had together."



ESCAPE FROM SAN DIEGO

Shortly after her grandson's death, Gladys Doxey found a bundle of his memoirs. One in particular stood out.



A different Ducks player will wear Todd Doxey's jersey each game this season: Patrick Chung wore it Saturday against Washington.
"He wrote that, in six years, he wanted to be in corporate America wearing a suit and tie to work," Gladys said. "He wanted to own his own business."

Such lofty ambitions were rare for someone who grew up in the Logan Heights section of San Diego. Doxey's basketball coach at Hoover High School, Ollie Goulston, said Doxey's neighborhood was "as bad as it gets."

"Most kids that come out of there aren't making it," said Goulston, who began coaching Doxey in youth basketball at age 9. "That's one of the reasons Todd stood out so much. He was a shining light amid a lot of darkness."

And folks in San Diego took notice.

At Hoover High – also the alma mater of baseball legend Ted Williams – Doxey was a class favorite and a mainstay on the honor roll. Shortly after he committed to play football for the Ducks, Neal flew down to visit Doxey during an economics class.

"The principal escorted me in," Neal said. "He waited until there was a break in the lecture and then said, 'Everyone, I just wanted to let you know that Todd will be playing football for the University of Oregon.'

"Every student in the room rose from their chair and gave him a standing ovation. That's when I really knew what kind of kid we were getting."

Those closest to Doxey said his character was molded by family, mainly his grandmother. When he wasn't staying with his father, Doxey lived down the street with Gladys throughout most of his childhood. Almost every day after enrolling at Oregon, his roommate overheard him making calls home.

"And I'm not talking about 15- or 20-minute calls," Lewis said. "He'd be on the phone with her for an hour at a time.

"He loved his grandmother. He was always quoting her, saying, 'Grandma said this, and Grandma said that.' She's obviously a special lady."

Almost every month as a freshman, Doxey found a way to round up enough money to fly back to San Diego. Sometimes he'd arrive unannounced and sneak into Gladys' house to surprise her. Other times, he'd drive around the neighborhood with gifts for all of his relatives – Oregon wrist bands for his 13-year-old cousins, a Ducks mini-football for his niece.

"Even if he was only in town for two days, he'd make it a point to stop by each and every house," said Doxey's cousin, Wade, who is 21. "We have a lot of young kids in our family, and they're all into sports. Todd made an impression on them. He was their role model."

Wade recalled a recent trip he and Todd made to a San Diego convenience store. Todd noticed a young woman in the parking lot, looking distressed. She told him her father had kicked her out of the house and that she wanted to return to her mother's place in a different city.

"Todd reached into his pocket, pulled out a wad of money and told her how to get to the Greyhound station," Wade said. "I don't know how much it was, but there was a $20 on top. I asked him what he was doing and he said, 'Hey, she needed help.' "

Wade also said Todd – unbeknownst to his coaches – befriended a young boy in a wheelchair last season outside of Autzen Stadium.

"Todd was redshirting, so none of us were flying up to the games," Wade said. "So each week, he'd give his four tickets to that little kid."



Oregon coach Mike Belotti is one of the many people talking about the way Doxey lived.
That's why no one was surprised when so many people filed into The Rock Church in San Diego for Doxey's funeral – friends, relatives, classmates, football fans, sportscasters, even strangers. They cried, they laughed, then they cried some more.

A similar scene took place Saturday at Autzen Stadium, where All-American candidate Chung took the field wearing Doxey's No. 29 for Oregon's 44-10 victory. A different player will don the number each week. Other team members wore tape that read "T.D. RIP," and every helmet was adorned with a sticker bearing Doxey's initials and number.

Maehl, the former roommate, said he had tears in his eyes when he ran out for the opening kickoff. After the game, players wrote Doxey messages in a notebook that will remain in his locker stall throughout the season.

"I'm going to tell him that we played our hearts out for him," said Maehl, who pointed toward the sky after scoring a touchdown. "He was here with us. I could feel it."

So, too, could the 10 or so friends and family members who traveled to Eugene from San Diego. Some of them sobbed as Doxey's highlight tape lighted up the JumboTron.

At one point, footage was shown of the postgame celebration that followed Hoover High's city basketball championship in 2006.

"Our whole team is on the court going crazy," Goulston said, "but off to the side, you can see Todd motioning toward his teammates to go shake the opponents' hands."

Goulston dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief.

"That's one of the things making this so tough to take," he said. "There are so many people that feel blessed to have known Todd. But then there's the rest of the world – the people he would've come in contact with one day. Those are the ones who are being cheated."

Because of you.

Ive ran the motions through my head, (over and over)
Time and time again,
All the ways i wished you dead, (you said you still cared)
For all those messed up things you said.

I turned to the one who knew me best, (you were the best I'd ever had)
after all the ways you killed me,
my god, he put my heart at rest, (Ive never needed anyone)
he eased my thoughts so i could sleep.

It hurts to know i let you down, (I'm such a fool what have i done)
not good enough, you didn't stick around.
and I would do it all again, (i can fix this)
but in the end I'd be with you,
my love this time would shine through. (just give me one more chance)

And i miss having you around. (i miss you)

And God knows. (I miss you, I miss you)
God only knows (I miss you, i miss you.)
I miss you.

Baby forgive me for my mistakes (your eyes)
and all the things i put you through, (your smile)
my shortcomings kill me to this day, (your hair)
this day that I'm without you. (your touch)
I will love you more then you will ever know,
and hate myself for all that Ive done. (your laugh)
But by Gods grace i will grow, (your hands)
Into the man I'm meant to be, (your love)
and baby its because of you, (your walk)
that i am who i am, i am me.
(baby just let me love you)

Hollywood, would be jealous.

I am just going to get it over with and say it. I am so happy school is back in session. I guess i am lucky, not having to say that and worry about actually having to attend a school. I say it with the only reasoning being that all of the ASU kids are back. Which means NAV's is back. And i will be honest, NAV's pretty much rocks my world.

What i have done with navs since Friday the 22nd:

BBQ
Hung out
Nav Night
Coffee Plantation
Rock Band
Dive in Movie

And in three more days, its off to the Nav camping trip. And its by a lake, which will be really cool cause i get to see all the little Arizona kids faces when the see a body of water for there first time in there lives. ;p

This weekend,coupled with only three days of work this week and then another three day weekend, has already helped me to relax and enjoy life again. Everything was getting so monotonous. Work brings me down so much. But i don't know what to do about it. Because its not the job, its just work in general. And i cant just not work. That wouldn't....work ;p

Anyway. I am excited for this weekend, its gonna be a blast.


Randall's lyrics of the day:


And i'm so sorry
It took too long to let you know that
It's alright, and it's ok
Cause they mean nothing anyway
Well soon you'll say that you're so alone
Well loneliness is all we get
Get used to it

Write this down
Remember every word
You're not the things they told you way back then
You're so much more than ideas in your head
So bury them
And keep them so they can return when you're alone
And so that you can fight them in the end



Randall's verse of the day :

Galatians 5:26

26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other