There's no escape, I'm my own worst enemy.

Ok so i am pretty much in love with Hebrews 12. For the past 5 months i have been reading the bible trying to finish it in a year. I am up to Leviticus in the old testament and i am up to James in the new testament. ( i have been reading them front to back) I have read different books throughout my life at different times but never actually sat down and read the bible for what it is. So there is a lot i haven't read, and the stuff i have read in the past didn't stick with me at all.

Well yesterday i got to Hebrews 12, and it is one of my top three chapters in all of the bible.

Pretty much for the past 6 months i have been battling a few different types of sin that i commit on at least a daily basis for most of them. These are things that like most sin, i find very enjoyable, very fulfilling, very fun. They are also things that are second nature, things that i do without thinking because they have just become a part of me. As i read the bible i pretty much get called out at every turned page. At times it has been almost unbearable, while at other times it has just given me the push i need to enjoy the battle. I have struggled a lot. I still struggle a lot. Its not easy erasing 12 years of habit. Its not easy reversing 12 years of feeling OK with what i do with my life. And i have struggled. And i have been punished. I feel that from the moment i started feeling convicted and started realizing that i needed to change, that i have been punished.

I am a little blurry about who is doing the punishing at times. Sometimes i know god is laying his just hand on my shoulder and opening my eyes, through ways i don't necessarily like. Other times, i think the devil is putting his hand in, at the moments i feel i am strongest, to try and bring me down a peg. And it has worked many times. Sometimes i cant tell which side it is. Pain is pain. And its hard for me to separate the sources. There have been and still are many times where i am so angry at god. Because i feel like he is taunting me. I feel like he is playing games with my life. And i get so frustrated. I have grown accustom to losing things that are brought into my life. Since right before summer, i have lost my girlfriend, many people i thought were my friends i lost, i almost lost my car, which turned into i lost a whole lot of money, i continue to have things happen to where i lose any money i have saved up, i lost my health at many times, and many times i have lost my way. I continue to feel like god brings people into my life, only to show me how great i could have it, and then to just strip them away from me. People are brought into my life to show me how great of friendships i could have, or how awesome of girls i could have, only to be watch these friends or even some of these opportunities for more gradually fizzle away. Who are my concrete friends? Brad. Tyler. And i don't want to hear anyone tell me they are my friend. Because weather it was my doing or theirs, EVERYONE else has fizzled away. I definitely idolize money. And at every turn i feel i am punished for it. Because anytime i get any substantial amount saved up, something comes along, some sort of last minute emergency, and i have to shell out all of my savings. I am afraid of the next step. I'm afraid my job will be taken from me.

Every turn i feel i am being punished. And my biggest thing for the past month, is that after every slip, every fall, every mistake i make i pray. I pray and beg and plead, please god do not punish me, please god let it slip this time. Please god do not punish me. I am afraid of the punishments. Because they hurt so bad. Please god do not punish me. Over and over and over.

And then i get to Hebrews 12.


4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it


And i realize that whatever is gods doing, it is to build me into the man he wants me to be. I pray all the time for god to build me into the man he wants me to be. And it is the discipline that is going to produce a harvest of righteousness and peace. He is treating me like a father should. Punish my wrongs so that i can grow into a man who not only knows what is right, but also walks that path.

I am still very confused. Confused by what is punishment from god, and what is the devil lashing out at my accomplishments. I feel so horrible for not being able to tell one from the other. I feel like the biggest piece of garbage in the world because i cant tell what is from god sometimes.

But now i know, that god is working his way in me, to answer my prayer to build me into the man he wants me to be. Thank you lord, for giving me Hebrews 12 right when i needed it.



Randall's lyrics of the day:

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me


I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but Im scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy


I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me



Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my effing misery



I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me


Randall's verse of the day :

Hebrews 12:28-29

28Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29for our "God is a consuming fire."

Turn the Knife baby. Now Pull.

When you are told something over and over by multiple people, you tend to start believing it. Whats worse is when you already knew it but didn't see it as a bad thing. But when the words are thrown around in those negative ways by anyone who comments about it, it tends to take a mental toll, and you start believing its a really bad thing. And i start to blame it for my failures in certain aspects of my life.

Its like when my mom used to tell me how disgusting my pimples were. How gross they were. And how i just looked horrible. She wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me, but it did. It is now engraved into my brain that pimples on myself (i really don't even notice them on other people) are the most hideous things in the world. And that when i have even just one its something to be embarrassed about.

Yeah, its a lot like that. Except this current thing, its not just the random pimple every now and then. Its not going away in a week. It didn't just pop up a day ago. Its been like this since i could remember, and its not easily going away.

Well Ive had enough. The fire has been lit. And i am now using those things that are said to burn the coals and get the train moving. Its gonna start moving and there will be no looking back, no stopping it. I take pleasure in repeating everyones words in my head. Over and Over and Over. All day long. Until a bright fire burns in my eyes and that "i-will-show-you" smirk stretched across my face. And then i do what needs to be done. Everyday. Until everyone says wow. Randy. Wow. And everyone will kick themselves for botched opportunities.

I wasn't good enough for any of you. Because i have had a lifelong pimple.

A lifelong pimple. And I'm going to make it disappear.



Randall's lyrics of the day:

'cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all
you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be
and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard
when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do
i could swear that i don't care
but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through
so look at me
i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true
i'm just like me, i'm just like me so, who the hell are you?



Randall's verse of the day :


Romans 6:23

23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Im askin you, to show me what this life, is all about.

Thoughts of the week.

"I'm sooo CONFUSED."

"Wow, brad was invited, josh and amy were invited. Why wasn't i invited? This sucks."

"I LOVE ULTIMATE FRISBEE!"

"I am so happy school is about to start, because everyone is coming back, and nav stuff is going on."

"I love anything sports."

"No really, i am not good at volleyball, i promise."

"I need to keep working out more. Still way skinnier then i want to be."

"I need to start running, but where do i find the time?"

"I love the classic crime."

"I LOVE ULTIMATE FRISBEE!!!!!"

"I love the NAVs"

"I cant wait till the underoath concert."

"I don't understand you."

"All i want, is faith, love, and happiness."

"I miss home."

"I love Tempe."

"I LOVE ULTIMATE FRISBEE!!!!"




Randall's lyrics of the day:


You could never stop this feelin'
I've got inside of me
I'm prepared to let this go
To let everybody know
I'm just ordinary

Growin' up as an adolescent
So full of those questions
Got me second guessin'
My mind with the message
And the mention of my progression
Class is in session
How long will we all keep guessin?
When you've never been
It's so evident, from your grumbling
Man, I wonder when we'll talk
If you wanna talk
Take the mask off
We can rock
Shake it off, shake it off, shake it off

BRIDGE 2
One! You can't make me feel this way
Two! You can't make me run away
Can't understand my chemistry
Laugh if that makes me ordinary



Randall's verse of the day :


2 Corinthians 8:7

7But just as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us see that you also excel in this grace of giving.

Lessons from my failures.

I was very recently inspired by some events around me to write down a few lessons i have learned from past failures. Relationship stuff. Now, im not telling you how to have a successful relationship, that would be a little ironic, coming from the single guy, who unintentionally turns girls away like cats to water. I am merely trying to give some inside information as to how not to have a relationship fail miserably, and give some inside information to the mind of a guy such as myself (take that for whatever it means to you). So here goes.



Accept your boyfriend/girlfriend for everything they are.
This is probably my biggest mistake. When in a relationship i tend to have some control issues. She does some things or wants to do some things that i dont neccesarily agree with and i make sure my voice is heard. But its not enough that my voice is heard. I want her to not only acknowledge my feelings, but change her way of life for them. So she wants to go have 2 or 3 drinks with some friends. And i have to make a big deal out of it.

ALL THAT LEADS TO IS MISERY. Look, if he/she wants to do something, and you choose to be in a relationship with them, then have enough trust that they are not going to go beyond their limits and mess everything up. While there is always room for failure as a human being, we have to learn to trust people.

Not only have i made someone else miserable by trying to press my beliefs on them. But i have been made miserable as well by having it done to me. It doesn't feel good to have someone you love and that's supposed to love you throw a fit because you want to do something innocent, and they obscure it to be something its not. This also makes it more difficult be in a completely open relationship where you can maturely talk about everything. Because no one wants to be open with the whiny blow-everything-out-of-the-water-boyfriend/girlfriend who freaks out when you mention alcohol or cigarettes, or a friend of the opposite sex, or a friend that you went on a date with, or you get my point.

Next.

Honesty is key.
In all three of my relationships i am guilty of lieing. Not just small white lies, but big hairy grotesque elephants in the room kind of lies. And it all started with the beginning of my relationship/friendship with my ex's. See i had never been able to come to terms with my past mistakes. And because of that, and because of how judgemental/jealous many girls (very much including christian girls) are, i decided to lie about my past mistakes. And in doing so, every moment of my relationships that had to do anything with those mistakes, where all carried on with more and more lies. And after being in a relationship for say more then a month, you cant go back. You cant turn around and say, hey i lied about this. Hey you know how i have been saying over and over that nothing went on between me and that girl from my past, yeah i lied, this happened. Its just not something that anyone who isn't fearless can do.

Thus i need to turn over a new stone in the next relationship. I am devoted to not lie about my past anymore. I will tell the truth, and god will weed out who can stand to bear it and who cant.

My suggestion to anyone who is living this way in a relationship now... Start over. Don't start the whole relationship over, but sit down, and spill. Because having that elephant sized lie in the room all the time is only going to make the relationship harder and harder, and its going to get easier and easier to lie, until you lie habitually. From experience, you know what happens when you lie?, you believe the other person is lieing to you as well, and then you have a relationship with no trust.

Don't let your anger hide your love.
Be angry. But remember who it is your angry at. When you get angry at him/her, take just a second and think about who this person is. Think about how they deserve to be treated. Of all people i know anger can be blinding. It can cast a shadow over your love and it can lead to many things you had wished you never said, many levels of yelling you wish you had never reached, Its an all consuming fire that will destroy a relationship from head to toe. Don't let that happen. Because chances are the other person doesn't deserve it, not that way.

You are not your boyfriend/girlfriends mom or dad.
Don't tell them what to do. Flat out do not tell your boyfriend/girlfriend what to do. Do not punish them for their mistakes. Do not hand down punishment because they did something you do not agree with. They are their own person and they are going to do what they see is right. If you cant agree with them, at least realize why you are with them. Chances are you are not going to be with them because they make wrong choices. Chances are you are going to be with them because they are an amazing inspiration in your life, someone you can trust and look up to. They will have a different opinion than you about certain things, but that doesn't make them wrong. And furthermore, that does not make you the authority figure to tell them what to do and hand down punishment if they don't listen.

DON'T be a hypocrite.
This one kills me when i do it and when it happens to me. Don't get mad or try and start something about a problem you have, that you knowingly will probably commit sometime down the road. Such as hey i don't want you going to a party when you will probably go to a party sometime in life. Or hey don't drink because once you turn 21 you will drink. Or hey don't buy something i don't like, because i am probably going to buy something you don't like sometime down the road. That's just not fair.


EVERYONE WILL HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS
Remember that. You don't want him/her throwing a fit and getting mad at you because you want to buy a pair converse do you? Just as he/she does not want you getting mad at him/her because he wants to have a couple drinks/cigarettes. Understand that you are with another human being and they are going to like things you don't. Don't bring them down for something they like/want to do. We are all entitled to our own opinions, so once you tell them yours, don't bring them down because of theirs. Respect their choices, whatever they may be.




These are things i struggle with. I am very opinionated about things such as cigarettes or alcohol (when I'm not around). And they are the things i have experienced problems with in my life, which is why i am using them as my examples. So i don't want to come across as saying them in a way that i don't have these problems and you shouldn't too. These are just things that i am committed to overcome because i have treated 3 to many girls the wrong way. And they all deserve to be treated like gold.

Here's to being happy.

I'm so miserable at work. Its not the job, its not anything about my job that makes me miserable. It is just the simple repetition of it all. Its the getting up everyday at the same time to go and do the same thing, only to come home and have to go to bed at the same time so i can get back up at the same time and start all over. I constantly hope to dig up a bunch of money so that i can do whatever i want in life.



Aside from that, things are great. I'm finding things to do with my time these days and each one makes me feel great in its own little way. I have actually dedicated myself to working out, when i do, i don't lightly work out anymore, i make myself sweat and groan, i push myself. I feel it the next day. My shirts are fitting me better and i am noticing slight changes. I will get to where i want to be and i am thrilled about that. I have also found myself involved in more then one group of friends and i am excited about it. I enjoy having options and being able to fill my life with exciting things with people i care about. It makes my repetitious life a lot more interesting. It keeps me sane. My relationships with some people are stronger then ever and i am very happy about that. These are people i have prayed to grow closer to and wanted to grow closer to over the last year and my prayers are being answered. I also have a few new friends and they are some of the coolest people in the world. I'm just doing more and being more active in general and its really exciting. I look forward to getting off work and finding something to do at night. I have also found myself going to church a little more and a little less at the same time. While i haven't been to a Sunday service in a while i have been attending a different church on Thursdays with Brandi. I really like the guy that gets up and speaks, its really cool to hear the stuff he has to say. I am excited to get back into Sundays at praxis too, it just hasn't been in the cards the past few weeks. Not only that, but i have also found myself just talking about god a lot more recently. That's the beauty of meeting and sharing with new people. You get new opinions, new angles of view, new advice to give and receive, and new questions to study upon. Not to say i have only been talking with only people that are new to my life, because i have been talking more with the people who have been in my life the longest.



So yeah, i would say generally, everything is goin really well for me right now and I'm pretty content with where i am at.



Randall's lyrics of the day:


I feel eyelashes on my cheek
And they lacerate my flesh
A pain so good
Put your hand in mine
Never let go
Never wake up
'Cause I'm done with promises

I'm taking blood oaths
Feels like you could kiss
My imperfections
My imperfections away
And I will stand
Stand by your side
Until the sun turns the sky
All the colors I see in your eyes

I'll never need to see the sun again
There's enough light in your eyes
To light up our little world
So take me
Take me away
Kill me slowly
I'll never be the same

I swear to you
On everything I am
And I dedicate to you
All that I have
And I promise you
That I will stand right by your side
Forever and always
Until the day I die



Randall's verse of the day :


1 Corinthians 13


1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Travel to where the grass is green, dig some up and keep it forever, for darker days lie ahead.

So :D

Yeaaaah Boyyyy.

Haha.

I'm pretty excited for this weekend. Ive covered my overtime for the week so i get to just chill this weekend. I get to sleep as much as i want. I get to stay out as late as i want. I'm so happy about this. I just need to make it through the rest of work and i will be one very happy camper.

I need to get my life organized, but i need to wait for a few things to happen first. Mostly i need to wait for ASU to start up, so i can figure out what the schedule is for everything that's goin on with Navs. I'm pretty excited for everyone to come back. I have missed a bunch of people.

Anyway, I'm pretty darn happy right now. I have had and excellent past few days, which i think stemmed from my massive amounts of sleep i got earlier in the week.

Hey, Here is to being happy. :D



Randall's lyrics of the day:


They're faking champions hand picked,
And all the fights have been fixed,
You wake to suffer through the day,
Trade a dream for the pay,
Well here's the fact I hope it sticks,
You're just alive out of habit
Shards of glass
Skies of gold
Steal my breath
Blood runs cold
Violet waves
Oceans blue
All my love
Lost in you
Strip away
Part of me
Just as you consume me
Broken smile
Starless sky
End it all
Say good-bye.
Think of me as I say good-bye.

One thought inside my heart.
I said that I don't need you, but I'm a liar, I swear I do, I do
Strip away
Vanity
I do
Just as you
Consume me
I do
Broken smile
Starless sky
I do
Save it all
Say goodbye




Randall's verse of the day :


Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

And how much longer, Will this keep getting stronger?

Monday night and Tuesday night where very dull. I watched the Olympics and texted on that cellphone of mine that I'm all too addicted to. I found myself falling asleep sometime between eight-thirty and nine-thirty. Be that as lame as it is, i have reaped the rewards from it. I was able to get up early both days following and pull a little extra overtime, ensuring that i get a full weekend off for once. I have also felt more awake and i think that has led to a multitude of great things. I have been working out double what i normally do and i can sure feel it. I feel that lovely sore burn that i have missed so much. I have been at work not feeling like i wanted the world to end and while i have felt bored at home, i haven't been bummed. Brandi came over and watched a movie last night and then we went swimming over at a buddies house. I stayed out till about midnight or so and only got 5 hours of sleep last night. And i really feel great. I feel that getting a great amount of sleep earlier in the week has really held me through this one day that i didn't get a whole lot. I should try this more often.

I am also getting really excited because i get to start training again next week. I cant explain the itch in me to get in there and start training to my hearts content. Its going to pull me away from a lot of stuff but its something i love, so I'm going to give it everything i can. Its the only thing that has made this week a low point, because i just want it to be next week already.

A friend of mine went to Philly for a week on Monday and we have been talkin about it through text. After talking to her a bit i realized how much i kinda miss PA. I miss having four seasons a year. I miss the green. I miss the cities. I miss the three month long vacations. I loved that place for the short times i lived there. And honestly it has sparked some interest into my next destination. Maybe before i decide to move back home indefinitely i would like to give PA a shot for a while. Maybe in the next couple years i could pack up one day and just head out there. Its something I'm thinkin about.


Well hey, here's to being happy. :)



Randall's lyrics of the day:


I met a girl named Tara
An' She lived in the heart of America
She liked black caddies
Listened to Puff Daddy
Danced until her legs were sore

She worked around the corner
At a diner with a grouchy owner
An' her boyfriend's shady, he dates another girl named Katie
He loves her definitely maybe

Don't think I can take it
Wake me when it's over
seems So far away
I wish that it was closer
I see you every day
I'm too scared to go over
I wonder what she'd say
I barely even know her

And how much longer
Will this keep getting stronger
I wonder what she's doing when I'm singing myself to sleep
Cause he's a faker
So see ya later
I wonder when you'll realize that she means a lot more to me


Randall's verse of the day :

1 Timothy 6:6-8



6But godliness with contentment is great gain.
7For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.
8But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.