Thursday, October 30, 2008


I want to be someones Hero.

I want to do that much good in someones life. I want to be that kind of person.

I dont want the recognition. I just want to touch someone that much. I want to do that much good.

I want to be someones Hero.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Places i want to go before i die. Episode 2

Iguazu Falls Parana, Brazil/Misiones Argentina

Friday, October 17, 2008

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Admit it!

Admit it! Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance and vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs, you know nothing about art or sex that you couldn't read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine. Prototypical non-conformist, you are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo. You adhere to a set of standards and tastes that appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges, giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art. Go analog baby, you're so post-modern. You're diving face forward into a antiquated path. It's disgusting, it's offensive, don't stick your nose up at me.

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends, pontificating to each other, forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory. In which, you hog the intellectual spotlight. Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation. Oh, we're not worthy. When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people, you chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff. It's the same superiority complex shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell, and makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma. You spend every moment of your waking life complaining.

Cause I'm proud of my life and the things that I have done, Proud of myself and the loner I've become. You're free to whine, it will not get you far. I do just fine, me and my car. Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved. I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled. I self medicate to treat my extreme social anxiety.

You are a faker, you are a fraud. Yeah, you're living a lie, living a lie, you're life is living a lie. You don't impress me, you don't intimidate me. Why don't you bow down, get on the ground, walk this stupid plank. Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself .

I am done with this.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Give me the opportunities

I can do this.

Phillippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

2 Timothy 1:7
God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.

John 15:5
"I am the vine, you are the branches; Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."

James 5:16
"...The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."

1 John 4:4
"You are of God little children, and have overcome them; Because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

Nehemiah 8:10
"...Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.

Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the LORD and in the strength of his might.

Matthew 17:20
And He said to them "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly i say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Wow, ok this was longer then i expected.

How do i say this.

Its such a weird feeling. I never expected it would feel like this. I never truly experienced it in this way. Most of my past relationships ( Ive had 3) involved meeting her, shortly after meeting her dating her. Liking her a bunch and from day one, that like of her slowly fading to being complacent. And then realizing that, that wasn't enough. Again, most of the time, by day 4 or 5 we were already arguing. I was already yelling. I was already being jealous. It was already becoming volatile. Heck, with the last girlfriend, we were arguing before we even started dating.

This time its different.

We have been friends for at least a good half a year. We have been hanging out with each other for a least a good half a year. That's like, ground breaking...for me. I wasn't really looking to date her. I had flirted on and off with various girls, but deep down inside i knew i was ready to get back into it all. I had many things to work out, things that needed to change before i entered another relationship. But i always held on to what a very wise buss once told me. Don't pray that God fixes your problems. Pray that God gives you the opportunities to work through them. (that wasn't the exact quote, it was more specific, but i don't feel like getting into that now.)

I had always thought she was cute, and cool, but i never really had that push to pursue anything. And then over the last couple months we just started talking more. And then we started hanging out more. We hung out like every other day for a couple weeks and i was really starting to like her. I finally asked her on a date (thanks to the many of you who encouraged me time and time again to stop being scared and just do it) and it went really well. We hung out more and more and i realized i really really like this girl. We started dating, and here we are almost two weeks later and i am unable to describe how i feel. I know i know, two weeks isn't that long. I understand that. But you don't understand the differences between the past and the present. Since starting to date her, i have only increased in how much i like her. Its grown, and i feel like everyday it doubles. Its definitely not something i have experienced before. For the first time i feel what its like to truly have trust. And that's not a knock on the girls i have dated in the past (one of them is completely trust worthy), but its more so thanks to the fact that i now trust God. I trust that his way and will is true. This is the first time i prayed about Gods will and weather i should get into this relationship. This is the first time Ive involved God in my relationship. And that has built a trust i have never experienced. And that's from both sides. I trust her and its a good feeling. Its also good to feel trusted. Its good that i can be great friends with a past girlfriend, and Stephanie has no problem with it. Its good that she isn't HAVING to know what I'm doing every second of the day, and that allows me to want to tell her what I'm doing. Its good to know that i cant hang out with my friend still and not have to worry about her worrying about what I'm doing. And its good that i don't worry about the same things. And its good that i don't have to know what she is doing every second of the day. Its nice that i don't have to spend every day with her because i trust her and know she isn't going to wrong me the one day we don't hang out. (sounds pathetic i know, i had really bad trust problems in the past, and i caused very pathetic situations because of that.) I haven't lied to her once. That is a big thing for me. I don't have to lie and have this elephant sized lie always in the room gnashing my brain at how bad a person i am. She takes me for who i am, and that's one of the biggest gifts God can give me. There is a lot i don't tell even my closest friend because many of them will look down on me. (how many times do i catch flak for simply watching a movie with the opposite sex?) Its not like that with her. She likes me for me, and it really helps to have someone around like that. And i like her for her, and its really nice to be with someone i appreciate so much. Its just different. Its nice. Its exciting. Its fun. Its authentic. Its smile inducing. Its real.

Again. I know its only been two weeks. But its been a very telling two weeks for me personally. Laugh at what you want. But through my knowledge of the past i can tell a lot from the first two weeks of my relationships. And that is why i am so excited this time. Two weeks or whatever, i am happy.

I will stop now. ;p

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Im not afraid, at least not to die. Im afraid to live and not remember why.

So i was thinking about it this morning as i crawled into work. Many people want to die in their sleep. Its supposedly painless, you don't really know it happens, and your supposed to be at peace.

I want to die in my sleep. But i think its for a different reason.

You see everyday i wake up at 4 in the morning. And everyday i wish i were still asleep. At about 3 in the afternoon I'm still bobbing my head as i drive home, trying to stay awake. I get home and there are too many things on my mind that my brain wont let me sleep. I try to go to sleep. I try. I'm completely exhausted, and yet i cant sleep. I want to sleep. All day long i want to sleep. From the moment i wake up to the moment i do finally get to bed, i want to sleep. And thus enters dieing in my sleep. Its pretty much a wish come true. I want to be able to sleep as long as i want, which sometimes could be days or weeks. Sometimes i wish i could sleep through the whole summer. If i die in my sleep, then that's like....perfect! I will be doing the one thing that my mind and body can both agree on as supremely valuable. Sleep. I will fall asleep, happy, and then there it is, i wont wake up. I will essentially get to sleep forever. What a perfect way to end this life on this earth. Sleeping it out. It sounds like the best kick off party to heaven that i could ask for. You hear about people getting killed in sports or doing dangerous activities, and after they die, friends and family console each other by saying "he/she died doing what they loved most." Well i guess that would be it for me. I would die doing one of the things i love most.

Also i got one more thing i need to say. I was on this site called the other day and it really got to me. So i am going to say this here and now, and if it ever happens i beg you to refer everyone to this.

If i ever get killed, by anyone. Be it a drunk driver, a drunk friend, a stranger who wasn't paying attention, or just anyone for that matter. And if they live. And if they apologise. I'm begging you. Please forgive them. Please do not cast them out. Please do not abandon them. Please show them love. People make mistakes. Sadly sometimes that costs peoples lives. If i am one of those lives. If that happens to me. Then its Gods will. I'm begging you to have no animosity towards who killed me. I'm begging you to show that person love and comfort, as unless its a murder, they probably feel just as horrible about it. It hurts losing someone you love because they were killed. I cant even begin to imagine the kind of hurt it would feel to know that you unintentionally killed someone. That you unintentionally not only took that persons life, but you caused pain and misery in so many others lives because of it. That has to feel far worse. So please, i beg you. If it ever happens, please forgive. Please love. Please.

Friday, October 3, 2008

How to waste amazing opportunities.

Most people that know me, know that i have an almost obsessive addiction to the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship.) Well, the UFC has a reality show call The Ultimate Fighter (TUF). On TUF they bring in 16 most of the time unknown fighters to fight in a tournament to win a UFC six figure contract. They bring these 16 fighters in for six weeks to live in a house together, train under current UFC fighters, and fight in the tourney. They live in this house, with no contact to the outside world, no cell phones, no T.V., nothing to read, just simply nothing. They live in Vegas but aren't allowed to leave the house unless the president takes them somewhere or they leave to train.

For some people, this is a dream come true. If i ever fight, if i ever am decent at it, it will be something i work towards. I would love to be on that show. I would love to train with UFC fighters. I would love to have the opportunity to win a contract with the UFC. Its something i really really would want and desire to do.

Here comes the frustration.

So they lock these guys away in this house with nothing. You know what they do have? An unlimited supply of alcohol. So this guy, Junie browning or something like that, takes one step into the house and has a bottle of beer in his hand. He follows that up with vodka, rum, and everything else he could find. He goes on this spree, of being funny, to destroying things in the house, to trying to pick fights, to not being able to stand and he starts crying. The kid needs help, yes. He needs love, yes.

My problem with this is, its a huge waste of opportunity for someone else. Someone else would love to be in this guys shoes and he is wasting it away. Not only that, but this is not good for the sport. In a time where the goal is to make MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) the most popular sport in the country, they are promoting some drunkard who is the farthest thing away from role model. Instead of focusing on the hard training, the knowledge of the professional fighters, and the good attitudes of some of the other guys in the house. They focus on Junie and his drunken escapades. Why? Because it makes for good t.v. You know they wont even let people bring their bibles into the house? And yet they let them have supply to unlimited amounts of alcohol. Because its better for T.V. Because its better for the ratings. Because more people will tune in next week to see what Junie does next. It makes me sick. This is not what the sport needs. And it makes me very sad.

Sadly, being the hypocrite i am. I will tune in next week, to see Junie's antics. To what a drunken fool blow away the opportunity i would kill for.

Oh T.V. Oh world.


I cant get enough sleep.

Its not good when, you know that you need sleep, but you refuse to go to bed, because that means you have to wake up in the morning and go back to work. :(

Thursday, October 2, 2008


I step outside into the light
The sun is bright, I close my eyes
The summer caught me by surprise
and now I'm left here waiting
for you to tell me how it is
If I could only get a kiss
I could make you take a risk
on a boy who wants this
And now the sun has sunk below
The evening wind now starts to blow
I catch the scent of you're perfume
It lifts me higher than the moon

I'll be fine if you stay by my side...

Never felt this way in my whole life
Never had this feeling before tonight
I can't get you off my mind
Cause you shine, Girl
Oh you know you shine

Your eyes are brighter than the sun
They make me see that you're the one
Your smile takes my breath away
and leaves me with nothing to say
You aren't like any other girl
that I've met in this whole world
You're so much more than they can be
So won't you please just be with me?

I'll be fine if you stay the night...

Never felt this way in my whole life
Never had this feeling before tonight
I can't get you off my mind
Cause you shine, Girl
Oh you know you shine

And I'd give up forever to see the day
Where the two of us both could just walk away
hand in hand...

Never felt this way in my whole life
Never had this feeling before tonight
I can't get you off my mind
Cause you shine, Girl
Oh you know you shine

Never felt this way in my whole life
(You sine)
Never had this feeling before tonight
(Oh you know you shine)
I can't get you off my mind
(You shine)
Cause you shine, Girl
Oh you know you shine

Controversial? Check.

Read this article and give me some feedback on what you think. Mainly about the first page.

Personally i think it is absurd to take the creation process out of god's hands and into our own. I fear for the future and what this could lead too. I know there are many people out there, non believers and believers alike that are, with the right amount of money, going to do something like this, and it just scares me. I could see it creating two very separate classes of people. Where the enhanced look down on the natural. Where the enhanced have a ticket to the upper class, and the natural plunge into lower class because they are beat in every facet of life by the higher intelligence, highly athletic, perfect people. Will then it force everyone to need to enhance? I wont do it. But will my kids? Will their kids?

What will God think, about us taking the creation process out of his hands?

I have many questions about this.

Let me know what you guys think, whether your for or against it speak up. :)