Monday, June 30, 2008

Its been nearly 2 months and she's still here.

Its been nearly two months. And i still cannot go a day without thinking about her. Its been nearly two months. And still every morning i wake up hopeing to find a text from her on my phone, or a missed call. Still every time my phone buzzes i plead inside my head that its her calling me out of the blue. Still i have dreams about how she calls me up and tells me that she misses me and that she cant take being apart any longer. Two months and still the doubt is growing larger and larger. I have gotten the hint. I only get a text when i text first. I never get a call. She told me it wouldnt be the last time i got to kiss her. She told me she still wanted to be with me she just needed time. She told me she didnt want to stop talking to me all together, just not nearly as much. And as much as that killed me, i hoped it was true. I hoped she still wanted to talk to me. I hoped she still wanted to be with me.

I dont know if she still feels she wants to be with me, but the lack of effort for communication tells me no. It grows that doubt every phonecall or text i get thats not her. Every morning i wake and nothings there. The doubt grows and growns. What i would give just to know she still wants to be with me. What i would give.

I drown in the doubt that she wants to be with me. And yet i cant stop thinking about her. I cant stop thinking about how i messed up a relationship with the most amazing girl in the world. When two people break up thats what you want isnt it? You want to move on while you want the other person to not be able to get over you. To miss what they once had. And to want it back. And to feel stupid for letting you go. Well baby, you have that. Well doll, thats me. I can only guess your moving or have moved on, and im stuck, missing you, missing us, wanting you back, and feeling like the world biggest A-hole for messing everything up.

What i would give to know....anything at all.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

And no, I'm not afraid,
At least not to die
I'm afraid to live, and not remember why

Sweet chemical indifference,
I can't stop,
Can't change the evident

Predisposed to perpetual sickness,
I refuse to let you all be witness
Make sure the needle is clean
When you let me go back to sleep

And situate the piece of the picture
Underneath my fingers,
It protects me in my dreams

It's not as deep as it seems,
And as unfair as it may be,
I'm just here to remind you,
Remind you not to forget to remember me

Randall's verse of the day :

Isaiah 29:8
8It will be as when a hungry man dreams
And behold, he is eating;
But when he awakens, his hunger is not satisfied,
Or as when a thirsty man dreams
And behold, he is drinking,
But when he awakens, behold, he is faint
And his thirst is not quenched.
Thus the multitude of all the nations will be
Who wage war against Mount Zion.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Oh! Iatrophobia!

I am now less than a day away from surgery. And while i know that having your tonsils removed is not that big a deal, i am pretty friggen scared. Its not what I'm getting done that scares me, its the getting there that does. And what i mean by that is i am terrified to be put to sleep. I am almost even more terrified that I'm going to be terrified right before i fall asleep. You see i have this problem every couple weeks-months. Every once in a while at night i will start thinking about what is going to happen when i fall asleep. And my thoughts on that are never good. I get scared of the fact that i might not wake up if something around me is going on, i get scared that i will have a dream that i wont be able to wake myself from. I get scared that someone will come into my room and stand right next to my bed, stare at me, and i will have no clue. (that's just one example) (which is why i suggest you never do that, because if i wake up i will come out swinging) And then, once i get those ideas in my head, i cant sleep. And then i start thinking about how tired i am and how much i just want to sleep. But because i have those thoughts in my head i just cant sleep. And once that happens i start to get scared that i will not be able to fall asleep. I get scared that i will be scared all night. And usually this is all either following or followed by an anxiety attack. (i get those more frequently). And once all of that sets in i don't get any sleep all night and i get up the next morning miserable. Back to tomorrow. So tomorrow, i have no choice but to go to sleep. And its an artificially induced sleep. And i have no control over it. And nothing is going to wake me up. And i am terrified. I could be going in to get my spine removed and that wouldn't be the part that scares me. Its the sleeping part that scares me. I just hope that i don't start freaking out tomorrow. I'm not sure but i could guess that having an anxiety attack just as your being put to sleep cant be healthy for you.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

And sometimes when I start talking out loud
Should just shut my mouth and walk away
Somtimes I feel like maybe it's real and think like nobody else
Too close to myself and suffocate

Sometimes I fall asleep and then I lose control
I try to find my way out without letting go
And will I lose my mind if it comes back this time?
If I don't turn out perfect will you be a friend of mine?

Randall's verse of the day :

Phillippians 4:13
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Oh! Eremophobia!

So, after tubing on Saturday, i really wanted to get on and blog about how disgusted with the world i am. I wanted to rant about how sad and pathetic it is to drink and smoke weed to get a kick out of life. I wanted to rant about how pathetic and disgusting it was that girls would be such pieces of meat. I wanted to rant about how this world makes me sick because of the evil that everybody loves so much. But every single time i wanted to do that. Every single time i wanted to just shove my disgust in my blog worlds face, i was forced by my own thinking to shut myself up. And why? Because i am disgusting. Because i am evil. Because i am waste. Because i am no better then any one of those people out there on that river. Because i am no better then anyone i have ever or never met. Because while i may have some things in check, while i may not do certain things that i know i shouldn't. I have my own faults. I have my own problems. I do things that i shouldn't. I do things that are wrong. I make the same mistakes day after day after day. I ask for forgiveness day after day after day. I tell myself how stupid and wrong i was for making those mistakes and work something into my head as to how i will not make that mistake again. And then tomorrow comes. And then i make those mistakes again. And before and while i make those mistakes, i tell myself, dont do this, you know its wrong, you know that you are slapping god in the face. And yet... I gladly make those mistakes, over and over and over again. Because i am a worthless piece of worldly trash. Because i am weak. Because i am full of evil. So to those on Saturday that i judged over and over in my mind. I would like to utter a silent apology. I am sorry. I am in no position to toss judgement. I apologize.

Randall's lyrics of the day:
I am small
And self-conscious
Every mirror
Reflects the grain
Judge my essence
By my kinships
Remember me
Not my shame
I am weak
Sometimes weary
Sometimes small
I hide away
When my hours
Are all accounted
Please don't bind me
To my shame
I have tried to
Live life humbly
Not a coward
Not in vain
When my meekness
Overcomes me
Remember me
Not my shame
Not my shame

Randall's verse of the day :

Acts 17:26-27
26From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Oh! Kakorrhaphiophobia!

I want to fight. I don't want to do it to be in the UFC and make my thousands. I just want to fight. I want to be in an organized match, one on one with someone, and just fight. I love the adrenalin rush just wrestling with my brother or Neil or anyone else. I love the way my hands shake when i know I'm in danger of having to fight someone for real. And to be able to experience, and go through with something like that, in a legal, sanctioned way. Well that is a dream of mine. I love the though of testing out my own capabilities of the most basic form of competition. Fighting with your hands, your feet, your body. The natural weapons of defence i was born with. I don't want to do it to hurt someone, i don't find pleasure in hurting someone else. I Just love the feel of ultimate competition. Wrestling with whoever, knowing that my victory or defeat solely lies on my strength, my technique, and my mind. Same with boxing. Once i get done with surgery and i am all healed up, i am going to start training. Muay Thai Kickboxing, and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I am going to learn to fight MMA. And then hopefully, Someday, i can live my dream of fighting. And if i am good, well what better way to make a living then by doing something you love. And if I'm not, then i will live my life as i am, having had the chance to live a dream.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

revolt not by your worldly nature,
put it into my hands and wait and see.
i'll bring the authority to it's knees, through Christ who strengthens me.
but the public school and community have organized to defeat me,
through conformity and worldliness, a fascist dictatorship.
but i've been crucified with Christ, and Christ lives within me.
so little do they know while they brainwash our youth,
our soldiers have equipped.
we've disabled the front lines with truth for the masses,
today is the day that we fight back.
not you, nor satan, nor death itself...
has one ounce of power over me.

Randall's verse of the day :
Psalm 18:32-36
32 It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;

he enables me to stand on the heights.
34 He trains my hands for battle;

my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35 You give me your shield of victory,

and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.
36 You broaden the path beneath me,

so that my ankles do not turn.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

You will be missed. Im gonna visit you a lot!

Randall's lyrics of the day:
Here today, gone tomorrow.
We're saying our goodbyes.
Drive away from the past.
Don't be sad, don't feel sorrow.
The memories in our hearts, I won't forget,
I wont forget. (It's in our hearts, it's in our hearts.)
I wont forget!
Randall's verse of the day :
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Begining, The Middle, And now awaiting The End.

So, this one will be rather long, cause i am going to take the time to spill the basics of my life story up until now.

I was born in Oregon. Where i don't know. For the longest time i though i was born in Portland but recently was told different. Anyway! I don't remember much until i was about six or seven. My first memories involve my dad, my step mom, and my my younger brother Tyler. I remember when our youngest brother Camron was born. And i remember when dad picked up with my brothers and left for Pittsburgh. My parents split up when i was two(or something like that), so i don't remember them ever being together. Though sometime i have wondered if things would have been easier had they been together, i understand walking into my house with them together, would be like walking into a war zone, in freezing temperatures, with no clothes on. Plus i wouldn't have Tyler. Or Camron. I remember when Tyler's mother and my dad split. Honestly it wasn't horrible for me as i always did feel like i was treated as the step child. Delena did do some good things for me, but the feeling of being treated as the step child will always overpower everything else. Now that's not to bash on her at all. She has done some amazing things for my brothers and has been an amazing mom to them. I know this because i know there is no way that Tyler got all of his amazing qualities from our dad alone. And that's not to bash on our dad either. He is and has been the best dad i could ask for, and a someone i look up to in so many ways. Not much makes me happier then when he says he is proud of me. But like everyone he has his flaws. And so does my mother. But her flaws dont compare anywhere near how amazing she has been. I thank her for every ounce of effort she has every put into my life. They say you can never get parenting right. But i am a strong believer in the quote "your imperfections are what make you perfect." And to me, that my parents are. Perfect. Perfect in their imperfections, and perfect in their...perfections. Perfect in all the times they may have messed up, and perfect in the many times they got it right. I don't thank god enough for giving me the parents i have been blessed with.


So in middle school i moved in with my mom as my dad left for Pittsburgh. Just across the river from Oregon to Washington. There were a lot of hard times as i had to learn the differences between my mother and my father. And my lack of self confidence didn't help my life in the least. I went through middle school and most of high school with maybe 2 or 3 friends. I was the quiet kid. I was the kid that came into the school after everyone had already found their group, and found who they were friends with. And i was too shy, to scared, to put myself out there. It wasn't until about junior year of high school that i established myself in a small group of friends. I don't remember how it came together but i got to be friends with Brad, and Blake. Now, let me start this off by saying, i had always grown up in a christian family, with everybody most of the time pointing to god. I grew up in that, but yet i was really just the Sunday christian, well, more like the every other Sunday christian. When i started getting to know these guys i knew, these were NOT the kind of guys i should be hanging out with. Now without going into detail, lets just say, that i look back and i say to myself, did we really talk about those things, did we really do those things, did we really encourage each other to do those things, did we really treat people that way, did we really take part in those stupid activities? I never skipped a day of school in my life, and then i might Brad and Blake, and all of that changed. Now, its not their fault....entirely. I had free will and i was more then happy to chose to break out of my boring life and actually live a little. I stayed away from some of the stuff they choose to partake in, but still valued just having the friendship a whole lot.

The end of my senior year of high school i started dating my first girlfriend. I went to college and we broke up. College was a difficult time for me. (as I'm sure it is many). I moved away from my family to phoenix, i hated every second of it, i had no positive influences in my life, and i let myself go. I started drinking, i started partying, i started doing a lot of things i regret. I could go on and on about stories, about how i jumped on a moving train, about how much alcohol i went through in a night, about how i woke up one morning in a car at an asu parking lot, whose car it was i didn't know and never found out, and how i got from phoenix to Tempe i had no idea either. I could go on and on about the stories. I spent a year of my two years in college doing stupid things. And somehow by gods grace, i managed a 3.9 GPA. It wasn't until the last 6 months of college i realized i needed to not be an idiot. And that's when i got my first taste of gods amazingness. I opened my bible that my uncle had given me years ago, and read the verse he wrote in it for me. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I later got this verse tattooed on my arm. It got me through the hardest parts and it gave me a little hope, though i was not to educated in what i was hoping in.

At the end of college i started dating my second girlfriend. I moved back home and attempted the long distance thing. It was long before i had even met her that i decided i didn't want to stay at home when i got done with college. So after being home for 4 months i decided it was time to move again. I thought about my choices and Tempe was not a hard thing to figure out. My girlfriend was going to be there. I knew the city like the back of my hand. I LOOOOVED the weather. But most of all, i felt i was being drawn there. I felt something was calling me there more then all of that. What it was i didn't know. I told my family it was god, but that was a cop-out. I didn't really know that, all i knew was i felt like i needed to go. What i didn't know, was how much god had in store for me.

So 4 months after moving home i packed up one day and left for Tempe. When i left, i didn't have an apartment to stay in, i didn't have a job, i didn't have any furniture. I had what i could fit in the back of my little Chevy cobalt and about $1000 to my name. I left for Tempe on a whim, surprising my job the day before i left. When i got down there God put together the puzzle perfectly. I got an apartment right away, and i had a job(a good job, in my field) no more then a week later. I spent most of my time with my girlfriend and her roommates, doin asu stuff, and playin video games. I wasted a lot of time.

At that time (about 8 months later) my best friend brad decided he wanted to move down with me. He was supposed to move down when i first left but he chickened out ;p. So he moved down and we stayed in my studio apartment for a little more then a month. Around that time my relationship hit some rocks and i called it quits. We stayed friends and it was right during that time we were breaking up that she came to me and said "I met this girl heather today and she started talking to me about my religion and stuff, and she invited me to go play Frisbee with them, i have to work, but you guys should go!". I remember passing by ASU for the first nine months and making fun of all the people playing Frisbee. I remember thinking how real men would play football and little scared girly men would play Frisbee. Yet something gave me the urge to want to go.

After talking to heather on the phone i went to Frisbee under one condition. That she would hold up a big sign that said my name on it so i knew who to look for. It was that night that my life really started. From the moment i walked onto the Frisbee field i knew why i had come to Tempe. I shook hands with three guys, Ryan Buss, Tim Bates, and Josh Marsh. All of which came right up to me and shook my hand and introduced themselves. All of which immediately told me that they do bible study type thing Friday nights at 7:00. As i listened and watched and played and talked with these three guys throughout the night and next couple weeks. I found that i had some sort of connection with them, and it wasn't immediately a friendship connection, or even a we have stuff in common connection. It was the second night of Frisbee that a realized what it was. These guys were all the kind of Men of God that i had always wanted to be. The kind of guys that i had always wanted to change my life and my ways to be like, but never found the strength or encouragement. Well just being around them. Just seeing them interact, just seeing them be them, i found all the encouragement i could handle.

And that's when i started getting into being a part of Navs. And that's when i started getting into the bible. And that's when i started getting into God. And that's when my life started to change.

And here i am now. For all who have known me close, you know that brad and i have come very very far. And we don't even resemble the stupid kids we were in high school. Now, i still have a long way to go. And i look up to those three guys, and a few others still. I still make many many mistakes. I still stumble and fall more then i could imagine. But being around the guys i mentioned, and some others in the navs, is such a huge push for me to become more like them. And that is why i believe i am here. I believe god brought me here, to show me the navs, and to show me the nav men, and to glorify himself to me, through them. And i am so very thankful.

I recently went through a relationship with a girl i find amazing. It ended rough. And i am still hurting from that. I still think about her everyday. I still cant listen to many songs that sing anything about relationship. I still swell up when i hear Toby mac - you never know what you got till its gone. I still have dreams. I still am worried everyday. But i am thankful for the friends that i have. Because they have helped show me that i can be happy while i am completely sad. They have shown me that i can smile when all i still feel like doing is screaming and crying. Brad and Tyler are two guys that i look up too. Brad and Tyler are two of the rocks i have in my life. They are there and the are solid. They are amazing. And i thank you both for everything in you guys do in my life. I look up to you both as people, as Christians, and as brothers. You guys are so far beyond me and i am so thankful to be able to look up to you as role models.

God is amazing. God has shown me that i can be happy in my suffering. Reading Acts and Romans i have been shown that is good to be happy when you are suffering. And i am so very thankful that god is building my character, even though it hurts so much sometimes. God is amazing, and if you don't know him, you should get to know him, because he will work miracles in your life.

Randall's lyrics of the day:
There's a song outside my window
And it plays to your tune
And there's a life inside this pencil
And it lives for what is true
Cause I am lost for words, the cost for her
Was way to much to bear
You're not perfect, but I don't care

This is the way that I know
This is the way that I know
I would give everything for some hope

Randall's verse of the day :

Romans 5:3-5 "
3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;
5and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."