Its been nearly 2 months and she's still here.

Its been nearly two months. And i still cannot go a day without thinking about her. Its been nearly two months. And still every morning i wake up hopeing to find a text from her on my phone, or a missed call. Still every time my phone buzzes i plead inside my head that its her calling me out of the blue. Still i have dreams about how she calls me up and tells me that she misses me and that she cant take being apart any longer. Two months and still the doubt is growing larger and larger. I have gotten the hint. I only get a text when i text first. I never get a call. She told me it wouldnt be the last time i got to kiss her. She told me she still wanted to be with me she just needed time. She told me she didnt want to stop talking to me all together, just not nearly as much. And as much as that killed me, i hoped it was true. I hoped she still wanted to talk to me. I hoped she still wanted to be with me.

I dont know if she still feels she wants to be with me, but the lack of effort for communication tells me no. It grows that doubt every phonecall or text i get thats not her. Every morning i wake and nothings there. The doubt grows and growns. What i would give just to know she still wants to be with me. What i would give.

I drown in the doubt that she wants to be with me. And yet i cant stop thinking about her. I cant stop thinking about how i messed up a relationship with the most amazing girl in the world. When two people break up thats what you want isnt it? You want to move on while you want the other person to not be able to get over you. To miss what they once had. And to want it back. And to feel stupid for letting you go. Well baby, you have that. Well doll, thats me. I can only guess your moving or have moved on, and im stuck, missing you, missing us, wanting you back, and feeling like the world biggest A-hole for messing everything up.

What i would give to know....anything at all.


Randall's lyrics of the day:

And no, I'm not afraid,
At least not to die
I'm afraid to live, and not remember why

Sweet chemical indifference,
I can't stop,
Can't change the evident

Predisposed to perpetual sickness,
I refuse to let you all be witness
Make sure the needle is clean
When you let me go back to sleep

And situate the piece of the picture
Underneath my fingers,
It protects me in my dreams

It's not as deep as it seems,
And as unfair as it may be,
I'm just here to remind you,
Remind you not to forget to remember me


Randall's verse of the day :

Isaiah 29:8
8It will be as when a hungry man dreams
And behold, he is eating;
But when he awakens, his hunger is not satisfied,
Or as when a thirsty man dreams
And behold, he is drinking,
But when he awakens, behold, he is faint
And his thirst is not quenched.
Thus the multitude of all the nations will be
Who wage war against Mount Zion.