Tuesday, August 26, 2008

There's no escape, I'm my own worst enemy.

Ok so i am pretty much in love with Hebrews 12. For the past 5 months i have been reading the bible trying to finish it in a year. I am up to Leviticus in the old testament and i am up to James in the new testament. ( i have been reading them front to back) I have read different books throughout my life at different times but never actually sat down and read the bible for what it is. So there is a lot i haven't read, and the stuff i have read in the past didn't stick with me at all.

Well yesterday i got to Hebrews 12, and it is one of my top three chapters in all of the bible.

Pretty much for the past 6 months i have been battling a few different types of sin that i commit on at least a daily basis for most of them. These are things that like most sin, i find very enjoyable, very fulfilling, very fun. They are also things that are second nature, things that i do without thinking because they have just become a part of me. As i read the bible i pretty much get called out at every turned page. At times it has been almost unbearable, while at other times it has just given me the push i need to enjoy the battle. I have struggled a lot. I still struggle a lot. Its not easy erasing 12 years of habit. Its not easy reversing 12 years of feeling OK with what i do with my life. And i have struggled. And i have been punished. I feel that from the moment i started feeling convicted and started realizing that i needed to change, that i have been punished.

I am a little blurry about who is doing the punishing at times. Sometimes i know god is laying his just hand on my shoulder and opening my eyes, through ways i don't necessarily like. Other times, i think the devil is putting his hand in, at the moments i feel i am strongest, to try and bring me down a peg. And it has worked many times. Sometimes i cant tell which side it is. Pain is pain. And its hard for me to separate the sources. There have been and still are many times where i am so angry at god. Because i feel like he is taunting me. I feel like he is playing games with my life. And i get so frustrated. I have grown accustom to losing things that are brought into my life. Since right before summer, i have lost my girlfriend, many people i thought were my friends i lost, i almost lost my car, which turned into i lost a whole lot of money, i continue to have things happen to where i lose any money i have saved up, i lost my health at many times, and many times i have lost my way. I continue to feel like god brings people into my life, only to show me how great i could have it, and then to just strip them away from me. People are brought into my life to show me how great of friendships i could have, or how awesome of girls i could have, only to be watch these friends or even some of these opportunities for more gradually fizzle away. Who are my concrete friends? Brad. Tyler. And i don't want to hear anyone tell me they are my friend. Because weather it was my doing or theirs, EVERYONE else has fizzled away. I definitely idolize money. And at every turn i feel i am punished for it. Because anytime i get any substantial amount saved up, something comes along, some sort of last minute emergency, and i have to shell out all of my savings. I am afraid of the next step. I'm afraid my job will be taken from me.

Every turn i feel i am being punished. And my biggest thing for the past month, is that after every slip, every fall, every mistake i make i pray. I pray and beg and plead, please god do not punish me, please god let it slip this time. Please god do not punish me. I am afraid of the punishments. Because they hurt so bad. Please god do not punish me. Over and over and over.

And then i get to Hebrews 12.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it

And i realize that whatever is gods doing, it is to build me into the man he wants me to be. I pray all the time for god to build me into the man he wants me to be. And it is the discipline that is going to produce a harvest of righteousness and peace. He is treating me like a father should. Punish my wrongs so that i can grow into a man who not only knows what is right, but also walks that path.

I am still very confused. Confused by what is punishment from god, and what is the devil lashing out at my accomplishments. I feel so horrible for not being able to tell one from the other. I feel like the biggest piece of garbage in the world because i cant tell what is from god sometimes.

But now i know, that god is working his way in me, to answer my prayer to build me into the man he wants me to be. Thank you lord, for giving me Hebrews 12 right when i needed it.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but Im scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me


Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my effing misery

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me

Randall's verse of the day :

Hebrews 12:28-29

28Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29for our "God is a consuming fire."

Monday, August 25, 2008

Turn the Knife baby. Now Pull.

When you are told something over and over by multiple people, you tend to start believing it. Whats worse is when you already knew it but didn't see it as a bad thing. But when the words are thrown around in those negative ways by anyone who comments about it, it tends to take a mental toll, and you start believing its a really bad thing. And i start to blame it for my failures in certain aspects of my life.

Its like when my mom used to tell me how disgusting my pimples were. How gross they were. And how i just looked horrible. She wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me, but it did. It is now engraved into my brain that pimples on myself (i really don't even notice them on other people) are the most hideous things in the world. And that when i have even just one its something to be embarrassed about.

Yeah, its a lot like that. Except this current thing, its not just the random pimple every now and then. Its not going away in a week. It didn't just pop up a day ago. Its been like this since i could remember, and its not easily going away.

Well Ive had enough. The fire has been lit. And i am now using those things that are said to burn the coals and get the train moving. Its gonna start moving and there will be no looking back, no stopping it. I take pleasure in repeating everyones words in my head. Over and Over and Over. All day long. Until a bright fire burns in my eyes and that "i-will-show-you" smirk stretched across my face. And then i do what needs to be done. Everyday. Until everyone says wow. Randy. Wow. And everyone will kick themselves for botched opportunities.

I wasn't good enough for any of you. Because i have had a lifelong pimple.

A lifelong pimple. And I'm going to make it disappear.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

'cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all
you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be
and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard
when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do
i could swear that i don't care
but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through
so look at me
i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true
i'm just like me, i'm just like me so, who the hell are you?

Randall's verse of the day :

Romans 6:23

23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Im askin you, to show me what this life, is all about.

Thoughts of the week.

"I'm sooo CONFUSED."

"Wow, brad was invited, josh and amy were invited. Why wasn't i invited? This sucks."


"I am so happy school is about to start, because everyone is coming back, and nav stuff is going on."

"I love anything sports."

"No really, i am not good at volleyball, i promise."

"I need to keep working out more. Still way skinnier then i want to be."

"I need to start running, but where do i find the time?"

"I love the classic crime."


"I love the NAVs"

"I cant wait till the underoath concert."

"I don't understand you."

"All i want, is faith, love, and happiness."

"I miss home."

"I love Tempe."


Randall's lyrics of the day:

You could never stop this feelin'
I've got inside of me
I'm prepared to let this go
To let everybody know
I'm just ordinary

Growin' up as an adolescent
So full of those questions
Got me second guessin'
My mind with the message
And the mention of my progression
Class is in session
How long will we all keep guessin?
When you've never been
It's so evident, from your grumbling
Man, I wonder when we'll talk
If you wanna talk
Take the mask off
We can rock
Shake it off, shake it off, shake it off

One! You can't make me feel this way
Two! You can't make me run away
Can't understand my chemistry
Laugh if that makes me ordinary

Randall's verse of the day :

2 Corinthians 8:7

7But just as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us see that you also excel in this grace of giving.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Lessons from my failures.

I was very recently inspired by some events around me to write down a few lessons i have learned from past failures. Relationship stuff. Now, im not telling you how to have a successful relationship, that would be a little ironic, coming from the single guy, who unintentionally turns girls away like cats to water. I am merely trying to give some inside information as to how not to have a relationship fail miserably, and give some inside information to the mind of a guy such as myself (take that for whatever it means to you). So here goes.

Accept your boyfriend/girlfriend for everything they are.
This is probably my biggest mistake. When in a relationship i tend to have some control issues. She does some things or wants to do some things that i dont neccesarily agree with and i make sure my voice is heard. But its not enough that my voice is heard. I want her to not only acknowledge my feelings, but change her way of life for them. So she wants to go have 2 or 3 drinks with some friends. And i have to make a big deal out of it.

ALL THAT LEADS TO IS MISERY. Look, if he/she wants to do something, and you choose to be in a relationship with them, then have enough trust that they are not going to go beyond their limits and mess everything up. While there is always room for failure as a human being, we have to learn to trust people.

Not only have i made someone else miserable by trying to press my beliefs on them. But i have been made miserable as well by having it done to me. It doesn't feel good to have someone you love and that's supposed to love you throw a fit because you want to do something innocent, and they obscure it to be something its not. This also makes it more difficult be in a completely open relationship where you can maturely talk about everything. Because no one wants to be open with the whiny blow-everything-out-of-the-water-boyfriend/girlfriend who freaks out when you mention alcohol or cigarettes, or a friend of the opposite sex, or a friend that you went on a date with, or you get my point.


Honesty is key.
In all three of my relationships i am guilty of lieing. Not just small white lies, but big hairy grotesque elephants in the room kind of lies. And it all started with the beginning of my relationship/friendship with my ex's. See i had never been able to come to terms with my past mistakes. And because of that, and because of how judgemental/jealous many girls (very much including christian girls) are, i decided to lie about my past mistakes. And in doing so, every moment of my relationships that had to do anything with those mistakes, where all carried on with more and more lies. And after being in a relationship for say more then a month, you cant go back. You cant turn around and say, hey i lied about this. Hey you know how i have been saying over and over that nothing went on between me and that girl from my past, yeah i lied, this happened. Its just not something that anyone who isn't fearless can do.

Thus i need to turn over a new stone in the next relationship. I am devoted to not lie about my past anymore. I will tell the truth, and god will weed out who can stand to bear it and who cant.

My suggestion to anyone who is living this way in a relationship now... Start over. Don't start the whole relationship over, but sit down, and spill. Because having that elephant sized lie in the room all the time is only going to make the relationship harder and harder, and its going to get easier and easier to lie, until you lie habitually. From experience, you know what happens when you lie?, you believe the other person is lieing to you as well, and then you have a relationship with no trust.

Don't let your anger hide your love.
Be angry. But remember who it is your angry at. When you get angry at him/her, take just a second and think about who this person is. Think about how they deserve to be treated. Of all people i know anger can be blinding. It can cast a shadow over your love and it can lead to many things you had wished you never said, many levels of yelling you wish you had never reached, Its an all consuming fire that will destroy a relationship from head to toe. Don't let that happen. Because chances are the other person doesn't deserve it, not that way.

You are not your boyfriend/girlfriends mom or dad.
Don't tell them what to do. Flat out do not tell your boyfriend/girlfriend what to do. Do not punish them for their mistakes. Do not hand down punishment because they did something you do not agree with. They are their own person and they are going to do what they see is right. If you cant agree with them, at least realize why you are with them. Chances are you are not going to be with them because they make wrong choices. Chances are you are going to be with them because they are an amazing inspiration in your life, someone you can trust and look up to. They will have a different opinion than you about certain things, but that doesn't make them wrong. And furthermore, that does not make you the authority figure to tell them what to do and hand down punishment if they don't listen.

DON'T be a hypocrite.
This one kills me when i do it and when it happens to me. Don't get mad or try and start something about a problem you have, that you knowingly will probably commit sometime down the road. Such as hey i don't want you going to a party when you will probably go to a party sometime in life. Or hey don't drink because once you turn 21 you will drink. Or hey don't buy something i don't like, because i am probably going to buy something you don't like sometime down the road. That's just not fair.

Remember that. You don't want him/her throwing a fit and getting mad at you because you want to buy a pair converse do you? Just as he/she does not want you getting mad at him/her because he wants to have a couple drinks/cigarettes. Understand that you are with another human being and they are going to like things you don't. Don't bring them down for something they like/want to do. We are all entitled to our own opinions, so once you tell them yours, don't bring them down because of theirs. Respect their choices, whatever they may be.

These are things i struggle with. I am very opinionated about things such as cigarettes or alcohol (when I'm not around). And they are the things i have experienced problems with in my life, which is why i am using them as my examples. So i don't want to come across as saying them in a way that i don't have these problems and you shouldn't too. These are just things that i am committed to overcome because i have treated 3 to many girls the wrong way. And they all deserve to be treated like gold.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Here's to being happy.

I'm so miserable at work. Its not the job, its not anything about my job that makes me miserable. It is just the simple repetition of it all. Its the getting up everyday at the same time to go and do the same thing, only to come home and have to go to bed at the same time so i can get back up at the same time and start all over. I constantly hope to dig up a bunch of money so that i can do whatever i want in life.

Aside from that, things are great. I'm finding things to do with my time these days and each one makes me feel great in its own little way. I have actually dedicated myself to working out, when i do, i don't lightly work out anymore, i make myself sweat and groan, i push myself. I feel it the next day. My shirts are fitting me better and i am noticing slight changes. I will get to where i want to be and i am thrilled about that. I have also found myself involved in more then one group of friends and i am excited about it. I enjoy having options and being able to fill my life with exciting things with people i care about. It makes my repetitious life a lot more interesting. It keeps me sane. My relationships with some people are stronger then ever and i am very happy about that. These are people i have prayed to grow closer to and wanted to grow closer to over the last year and my prayers are being answered. I also have a few new friends and they are some of the coolest people in the world. I'm just doing more and being more active in general and its really exciting. I look forward to getting off work and finding something to do at night. I have also found myself going to church a little more and a little less at the same time. While i haven't been to a Sunday service in a while i have been attending a different church on Thursdays with Brandi. I really like the guy that gets up and speaks, its really cool to hear the stuff he has to say. I am excited to get back into Sundays at praxis too, it just hasn't been in the cards the past few weeks. Not only that, but i have also found myself just talking about god a lot more recently. That's the beauty of meeting and sharing with new people. You get new opinions, new angles of view, new advice to give and receive, and new questions to study upon. Not to say i have only been talking with only people that are new to my life, because i have been talking more with the people who have been in my life the longest.

So yeah, i would say generally, everything is goin really well for me right now and I'm pretty content with where i am at.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

I feel eyelashes on my cheek
And they lacerate my flesh
A pain so good
Put your hand in mine
Never let go
Never wake up
'Cause I'm done with promises

I'm taking blood oaths
Feels like you could kiss
My imperfections
My imperfections away
And I will stand
Stand by your side
Until the sun turns the sky
All the colors I see in your eyes

I'll never need to see the sun again
There's enough light in your eyes
To light up our little world
So take me
Take me away
Kill me slowly
I'll never be the same

I swear to you
On everything I am
And I dedicate to you
All that I have
And I promise you
That I will stand right by your side
Forever and always
Until the day I die

Randall's verse of the day :

1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Travel to where the grass is green, dig some up and keep it forever, for darker days lie ahead.

So :D

Yeaaaah Boyyyy.


I'm pretty excited for this weekend. Ive covered my overtime for the week so i get to just chill this weekend. I get to sleep as much as i want. I get to stay out as late as i want. I'm so happy about this. I just need to make it through the rest of work and i will be one very happy camper.

I need to get my life organized, but i need to wait for a few things to happen first. Mostly i need to wait for ASU to start up, so i can figure out what the schedule is for everything that's goin on with Navs. I'm pretty excited for everyone to come back. I have missed a bunch of people.

Anyway, I'm pretty darn happy right now. I have had and excellent past few days, which i think stemmed from my massive amounts of sleep i got earlier in the week.

Hey, Here is to being happy. :D

Randall's lyrics of the day:

They're faking champions hand picked,
And all the fights have been fixed,
You wake to suffer through the day,
Trade a dream for the pay,
Well here's the fact I hope it sticks,
You're just alive out of habit
Shards of glass
Skies of gold
Steal my breath
Blood runs cold
Violet waves
Oceans blue
All my love
Lost in you
Strip away
Part of me
Just as you consume me
Broken smile
Starless sky
End it all
Say good-bye.
Think of me as I say good-bye.

One thought inside my heart.
I said that I don't need you, but I'm a liar, I swear I do, I do
Strip away
I do
Just as you
Consume me
I do
Broken smile
Starless sky
I do
Save it all
Say goodbye

Randall's verse of the day :

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

And how much longer, Will this keep getting stronger?

Monday night and Tuesday night where very dull. I watched the Olympics and texted on that cellphone of mine that I'm all too addicted to. I found myself falling asleep sometime between eight-thirty and nine-thirty. Be that as lame as it is, i have reaped the rewards from it. I was able to get up early both days following and pull a little extra overtime, ensuring that i get a full weekend off for once. I have also felt more awake and i think that has led to a multitude of great things. I have been working out double what i normally do and i can sure feel it. I feel that lovely sore burn that i have missed so much. I have been at work not feeling like i wanted the world to end and while i have felt bored at home, i haven't been bummed. Brandi came over and watched a movie last night and then we went swimming over at a buddies house. I stayed out till about midnight or so and only got 5 hours of sleep last night. And i really feel great. I feel that getting a great amount of sleep earlier in the week has really held me through this one day that i didn't get a whole lot. I should try this more often.

I am also getting really excited because i get to start training again next week. I cant explain the itch in me to get in there and start training to my hearts content. Its going to pull me away from a lot of stuff but its something i love, so I'm going to give it everything i can. Its the only thing that has made this week a low point, because i just want it to be next week already.

A friend of mine went to Philly for a week on Monday and we have been talkin about it through text. After talking to her a bit i realized how much i kinda miss PA. I miss having four seasons a year. I miss the green. I miss the cities. I miss the three month long vacations. I loved that place for the short times i lived there. And honestly it has sparked some interest into my next destination. Maybe before i decide to move back home indefinitely i would like to give PA a shot for a while. Maybe in the next couple years i could pack up one day and just head out there. Its something I'm thinkin about.

Well hey, here's to being happy. :)

Randall's lyrics of the day:

I met a girl named Tara
An' She lived in the heart of America
She liked black caddies
Listened to Puff Daddy
Danced until her legs were sore

She worked around the corner
At a diner with a grouchy owner
An' her boyfriend's shady, he dates another girl named Katie
He loves her definitely maybe

Don't think I can take it
Wake me when it's over
seems So far away
I wish that it was closer
I see you every day
I'm too scared to go over
I wonder what she'd say
I barely even know her

And how much longer
Will this keep getting stronger
I wonder what she's doing when I'm singing myself to sleep
Cause he's a faker
So see ya later
I wonder when you'll realize that she means a lot more to me

Randall's verse of the day :

1 Timothy 6:6-8

6But godliness with contentment is great gain.
7For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.
8But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Bret, the 350% guy.

I am a dude, who is willing to admit, i love another dude. For those of you who know Bret Marshall I'm thinkin you feel the same way. I look up to Bret and thank Bret in so many ways. To sum Bret up, to me, would be to say, Bret is 50% father figure, 50% Brother, 50% Best Friend, 50% mentor, 50% psychologist, and 100% gift from god.

Wait, that makes Bret, like, 350%. Its true. He is more then a 100% dude, he is 350% awesome.

Let me explain.

So during our Mexico trip i got to work with Bret on the house we were building and really started to feel comfortable with him. Shortly after, we set up meeting each other once a week for a little discipleship fun. Here is where the percents come in. Since then i have really taken a liking to our relationship and put some thought into why i enjoy meeting with him so much, and i think, its because i get a little bit of everything from him.

50% father figure : You see i have come to realize that i can talk to Bret about anything (more on that later). But there are some things i just don't want to. Fortunately for me Bret is like a father figure in a way that he asks those tough questions that I never really wanted to answer in the first place. Or when i do something, i know i probably shouldn't have, i sometimes think "aww man, now I'm gonna have to tell Bret this", and i get that feeling of disappointment like i let him down, just like the way i feel when i do something i feel will have let my own father down. OH! And when he See's or finds something out, that i probably shouldn't have done, he calls me out on it, in this loving-you probably should be doing/saying that kind of way. And just as my own father, i know that Bret's not really going to judge me or disown me for my mistakes.

50% Brother: Through the time spent with Bret we have talked about quite a few different traits that we share. Be them good things or struggles. And i can relate that to how Tyler and i share many of the same traits, passed down from our father. We also only see each other once or twice a week. Like my brother and I. And like Tyler I'm sure that's because seeing me more then twice a week would drive him insane ha ha. But for me its like i kind of experience what its like to have an older brother. Even more so then a father figure. He's Someone who i can talk to about things to come, things he has experienced. I can talk about things i am looking to do in the future and he can give me advice based on his past. And these are things that are in the not so distant past, so they are relateable to today. I look up to him in many ways and aspire to be like him in many ways. Much like i hear many younger brothers do. (not so sure about mine though ;p)

50% Best Friend: As i mentioned earlier, I feel like i can talk to Bret about anything, just as i can my best friend. I feel like it doesn't matter what the subject is i can talk to him about it. And though i feel like i could talk to some people about anything, i wouldn't feel comfortable doing it. But with Bret i do. I could talk to the guy for hours about anything and everything and it just feels like I'm talking to a lifelong friend. He's also always their for me. Ive been in some pretty tough situations be it money, girls, and any other stress not related to the two, and its amazing how Brad (the best friend) and Bret have not only had the same reactions, but offered the same kind of help. You know, whatever kind of help i needed he offered it. We also talk about bro stuff too. Like hey bro i did this the other day, oh way cool man i did that the other day. Ha ha its all good times.

50% mentor: The whole point of us getting together was to do some discipleship. And boy does Bret do that well. We have gone through a couple books in the bible and he has helped me to understand them far more then i ever probably would have. ( Leviticus for example) He held me to dates that i needed to have memorized verses. He has been able to answer anytime i have questions, and he has showed me that the bible is more then just words that make a cool story. And most importantly he has been the type of christian man that i need to influence my life. He glorifies god every time we meet and i am so thankful for that. He is the kind of christian man that i look up to and aspire to be one day, maybe in the same position he is in, helping some odd kid like myself find his way.

50% psychologist: Ha ha this one is kind of funny. Sometimes i feel like i should be sitting there, propped back on the couch staring at the ceiling, as we try and figure out how i really feel. Take the other night for instance. We were on the phone as i was venting to him about my angst towards the church and people in it(which is two blogs down) and instead of hitting at the basic on the cover issues, he was asking about deeper things, things i hadn't really put much thought into. He got me to think about those deeper issues and how it may be affecting my thoughts and perceptions. And while it didn't necessarily change my mind about things, i understood my feelings more. Its kinda weird, and not something i expected when i first started meeting with him.

100% gift from god: Need i say more? Isn't it already clear as to why i say he is 100% gift from god? Well i will add more anyways. When i first came to the nav's i saw and met some really good men of god. They were a push for me to become like them. Bret is another one of those guys. Meeting with Bret has helped me in more ways then anyone could care to read. God has really used him to help mold my life and I'm so thankful that he came to ASU navs. He has given me an outlet, someone who will listen to me vent for an hour, and constructively sort out what i just said, in a glorifying way. He has pushed me in ways i have needed to be pushed, and he has been the kind of reliable friend i need in my life. Thank you God, for Bret.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

Randall's verse of the day :

John 15:15

15 I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I'll Sleep when im dead.

I look at this picture and for the first time i ask myself "this is what you want to do?!"

And then i think about that fight. I think about how he was basically St. Pierres punching back. I think about how he never once really looked like he was going to win that fight.

I think about no matter how much St. Pierre threw at him, he didn't go down. He didn't back down. He was always game. He came out swinging all five rounds. He took a beating, one of the worst i had ever seen, and by round five, he still didn't look tired. He came out and he tried to win. Round 5, he had to get a knockout to win. And that's what he tried to do. He lost that fight. But he gained a ton of respect from everyone who watched, maybe more then if he had gotten a lucky punch and won that fight. John Fitch has heart. He never says die.

Hell yeah i want to do that. And maybe, one day, i can have a fight like that, and find out what kind of man i really am.

6 more days and i get to start training again. :)

Randall's lyrics of the day:

If we go we go the distance, we go all out.
And if you force us to fight, we go for the knockout.
We haven’t always been the same men, we are today.
It took fire to purify us, what didn’t burn is what remained.
If we run then we run, but we won’t be the same.
Leaving excuses for the weak.
If we run then we run, but we won’t be the same.
And we’ll only have ourselves to blame.
We are growing ever stronger, the more we die.
The enemy will never take us; will never take us alive.
Sometimes it’s with our eyes closed, that we find our sight.
Sometimes it’s in the darkness, we see the light.
Today I stopped asking what it means and just believed.
You gotta believe; right now.
And now the truth of it is we already got all that we’ll ever need

Randall's verse of the day :

Proverbs 22:1-3

1 A good name is more desirable than great riches;
to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
2 Rich and poor have this in common:
The Lord is the Maker of them all.
3 A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge,
but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Im terribly Vexed.

So sitting in church last night, i about walked out. Not because of anything i was hearing, anything i was being told, or any sort of disagreement. Hell if anything i was definitely in agreement with what was being taught, as what pissed me off, was talked about only seconds later.

I started flipping through my bible and reading all the things i had underlined in the past year or so. Things such as do not get drunk from wine causing debauchery. Do not let any unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth. Love. Do not anger easily. Don't give in to sexual....anything. Etc. I got really disgusted at the 90% of the people who call themselves Christians. REALLY disgusted. I thought to myself, 75% of the people here get drunk, swear, do not show love, get angry easily, and lust and sex it up quite frequently. And I'm not saying they do one of these things, I'm saying if not all, they do most of them on a daily basis. I just read a study saying how something about 80% of Christians are the average Sunday christian. They go to church and stay legit for an hour or two afterwards, then its back to not caring for the rest of the friggin week. What is a church? From what i understood from what Ive learned at praxis, a church is not the building, the time, the place, the where, the when, the how. The church is the people. The church is the group of people that gather. Well what the hell am i doing going to any church in the entire nation that is made up of a bunch of Sunday Christians. What the hell am i doing trying to grow or learn or become unified with anything considered "church" if all it is, is a bunch of screwed up adults and kids who show face to make themselves look and feel better to others and about themselves. Obviously "we Christians" have a huge problem taking our religion seriously. If we truly believed in what the bible said we wouldn't be Sunday Christians. We wouldn't live the way we do. We would be to flat out scared out of our minds that at any second gods going to shove his fist through our souls and send whats left to hell, and we would live according to how we should be. But were not. 80somethin percent of us are Sunday Christians. And 60% of them will never change. So what the hell am i doing being a part of this?

These were my thoughts as i sat there in church. And then you know what happened? The guy preachin started talking and all i could do was grin. And unhappy sadistic pleasure filled grin. "Did you know that most Mormons live cleaner, more biblically moral and ethical lives then us Christians". Think about it. He wasn't advocating that they were correct. But think about it. Its true. Its 100% true. While their core beliefs and all that jazz is all messed up, the lives they live, the things the choose to do and not do, are directly massively influenced by what they believe in. They believe, and they execute. And that's more then 80% of the christian population can say. The preachin man started talking about how you don't really know the person next you, or in front of you. How you automatically assume that they are clean good people because they are in church on Thursdays and/or Sundays. When in reality most of them are filthy, dirty, disgusting people. When the moment they leave church its all left at church. He started talking about exactly what i was thinking.

You know what the sad part is. EVERYONE was paying attention. Why is that sad? Because 80% of them left it at the church. And didn't give a care about it once they left church that night. So why go? What a waste of time.

And i started thinking about why. And i almost got up and left the church again. Because i read those things i had underlined again, and remembered how far i had come. I remembered how much i struggled, and how well i was doing. Where the hell did all of that go? Because i am nothing more then more knowledgeable then when i started out. I know what the bible tells me now. But i still do the same stupid things i did before. I just feel bad for it now. Sometimes. And i started getting disgusted with myself. I thought about how i should be living my life. I started thinking about the people that i know are legit. I started thinking about those and how i should surround myself with them more. But you know what i realized. I DON'T WANT TO. If i surround myself with those i call "black and whites", or those that don't have (or at least don't show) any grey area, i don't have fun. I don't enjoy myself around them. I don't want to be around them or i feel like blowing off my hand get rid of how dull everything is.

You see when i watch a movie, i don't want to have to skip through the sex scene. Not because i enjoy seeing it, but because its a part of the movie, and its what the world does. Your watching the rest of the movie aren't you? I'm sure it has other stuff you shouldn't be watching! So why skip the one scene? I think its crap that i have to forgo watching the whole movie because of a black and white. When its hypocrisy anyways!

You see i don't want to not be able to talk about beer, or have a drink, or anything like that because someone is under 21. I have no problem telling someone i don't think they should drink if they are under 21. But its complete BS that i shouldn't because someone else isn't 21. SPECIALLY in my own damn house. ITS MY HOUSE. I have alcohol there. Cant deal with it? Don't come over. If you have had an alcohol problem in the past, i can understand. But i don't want to have to stop drinking just because someone isn't a certain age. The same goes for cigars or anything else like that.

You see i don't want to have everyone hush up and stare at me if i say one stupid swear word. Yeah I'm trying to watch my mouth. But i mess up. Don't judge me you hypocritical black and white. Just because i don't hear about yours, doesn't mean you don't mess up with your problems.

I don't want it to be wrong for a girl to be in my room. Be it a friend or girlfriend. I don't want it to be wrong for me to not be in a girls room. While i understand everyones point on why that is, try and understand mine. I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE. And i wouldn't go into her room if i thought she would! "yeah but flee from the appearance of evil". WELL YOU MAKE IT EVIL. When you friggin assume that something is going to happen, that something is going on just because its a guy and a girl, YOU MAKE IT EVIL. I don't have any part in your stupid bull crap assumptions. That's your friggin problem not mine.

And i could go on and on about grey areas that i WANT.

And therein lies the problems. You see, i don't have any fun when i surround myself with black and whites. I don't have the same mentality as them, i want to explode out of the frustration it causes me when i hang out with black and whites.

But the thing is, i know I'm wrong. I feel convicted just for my thoughts let alone my actions. I know that most everyone that reads this is going to look at it and be like wow this guy is derailed, he is far off track, he is totally wrong, he is lost, or even he is simply an idiot. AND ALL OF THOSE THINGS YOU WOULD SAY, ARE JUSTIFIABLY CORRECT. trust me, I KNOW. I know i am wrong. i know I'm an idiot. So please don't start judging or trying to point out where i am wrong, cause i will do it for you. And i don't do it so you wont, i will do it because i know that i am wrong. So here i will point out where i am wrong.


I do pray about it. I pray that god will change my feelings about everything. I pray that god will let me have fun around those who i call dull black and whites. I pray that god will help me to despise the evil i so thoroughly enjoy. I pray for his guidance and his wisdom to help guide me out of the fog.

But what I'm saying is i understand why 80% of Christian's are Sunday Christians. I understand the draw towards evil and the what seems to be dullness of being good.

I'm sorry if i have offended anyone. And trust me this was not directed at anyone. If you think you are one of the dull black and whites I'm talking about, there is a 99% chance that your name didn't cross my mind. And if you think that I'm specifically talking about you as one of the 80% I'm talking about, well i wasn't. Because no ones name came to mind, it was a generality. It wasn't any one specific person i know. It wasn't the people i know in Tempe. It wasn't the people i know in AZ. it wasn't the people i know in Washington and Oregon. It was everyone in the whole lovely world.

Again i am sorry if i offended you. Please forgive me.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Guilty until proven Insane.

I sit in what would be my "office" and live a moment of complete silence.
I sit with the lights off, only the glow of the computer illuminating the room.

I sit in this perpetual state of indifference, careless of what the world will hurl at me next. A slight turn of the wrist, a switch turns into its place. One switch, twelve machines. They fire up, as eager to do there jobs as they were yesterday. The silence, shredded by dissonance only achieved through poorly created contrivance's. Half of the 24 hours given to me today, will be spent rejecting these sounds as they try to overcome me and my work. Come six, my head will have had enough, and it will make its anger known. It will show me what pain is, and it will trick me into believing the fallacy that Ive never felt anything like it. But for now i must press on. For now i must entertain the emotional numbness. Else i may not make it through the day.

This is my life. This is my 7:00 AM. This Was, This Is, and This Will be.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

Wasted, paralyzed
I need ten thousand layers of disguise
Built to save
What's left that has already worn away

Inside this vacant, made-up, plastic life
Only your heart survived
One last cry

One last cry
One last cry
How long until (must I always remember all that I want to forget?)
It's my day (my day)
To die

Randall's verse of the day :

2 Timothy 2:11-13

Here is a trustworthy saying:

If we died with him,
we will also live with him;

if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;

if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.