There's no escape, I'm my own worst enemy.

Ok so i am pretty much in love with Hebrews 12. For the past 5 months i have been reading the bible trying to finish it in a year. I am up to Leviticus in the old testament and i am up to James in the new testament. ( i have been reading them front to back) I have read different books throughout my life at different times but never actually sat down and read the bible for what it is. So there is a lot i haven't read, and the stuff i have read in the past didn't stick with me at all.

Well yesterday i got to Hebrews 12, and it is one of my top three chapters in all of the bible.

Pretty much for the past 6 months i have been battling a few different types of sin that i commit on at least a daily basis for most of them. These are things that like most sin, i find very enjoyable, very fulfilling, very fun. They are also things that are second nature, things that i do without thinking because they have just become a part of me. As i read the bible i pretty much get called out at every turned page. At times it has been almost unbearable, while at other times it has just given me the push i need to enjoy the battle. I have struggled a lot. I still struggle a lot. Its not easy erasing 12 years of habit. Its not easy reversing 12 years of feeling OK with what i do with my life. And i have struggled. And i have been punished. I feel that from the moment i started feeling convicted and started realizing that i needed to change, that i have been punished.

I am a little blurry about who is doing the punishing at times. Sometimes i know god is laying his just hand on my shoulder and opening my eyes, through ways i don't necessarily like. Other times, i think the devil is putting his hand in, at the moments i feel i am strongest, to try and bring me down a peg. And it has worked many times. Sometimes i cant tell which side it is. Pain is pain. And its hard for me to separate the sources. There have been and still are many times where i am so angry at god. Because i feel like he is taunting me. I feel like he is playing games with my life. And i get so frustrated. I have grown accustom to losing things that are brought into my life. Since right before summer, i have lost my girlfriend, many people i thought were my friends i lost, i almost lost my car, which turned into i lost a whole lot of money, i continue to have things happen to where i lose any money i have saved up, i lost my health at many times, and many times i have lost my way. I continue to feel like god brings people into my life, only to show me how great i could have it, and then to just strip them away from me. People are brought into my life to show me how great of friendships i could have, or how awesome of girls i could have, only to be watch these friends or even some of these opportunities for more gradually fizzle away. Who are my concrete friends? Brad. Tyler. And i don't want to hear anyone tell me they are my friend. Because weather it was my doing or theirs, EVERYONE else has fizzled away. I definitely idolize money. And at every turn i feel i am punished for it. Because anytime i get any substantial amount saved up, something comes along, some sort of last minute emergency, and i have to shell out all of my savings. I am afraid of the next step. I'm afraid my job will be taken from me.

Every turn i feel i am being punished. And my biggest thing for the past month, is that after every slip, every fall, every mistake i make i pray. I pray and beg and plead, please god do not punish me, please god let it slip this time. Please god do not punish me. I am afraid of the punishments. Because they hurt so bad. Please god do not punish me. Over and over and over.

And then i get to Hebrews 12.


4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it


And i realize that whatever is gods doing, it is to build me into the man he wants me to be. I pray all the time for god to build me into the man he wants me to be. And it is the discipline that is going to produce a harvest of righteousness and peace. He is treating me like a father should. Punish my wrongs so that i can grow into a man who not only knows what is right, but also walks that path.

I am still very confused. Confused by what is punishment from god, and what is the devil lashing out at my accomplishments. I feel so horrible for not being able to tell one from the other. I feel like the biggest piece of garbage in the world because i cant tell what is from god sometimes.

But now i know, that god is working his way in me, to answer my prayer to build me into the man he wants me to be. Thank you lord, for giving me Hebrews 12 right when i needed it.



Randall's lyrics of the day:

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me


I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but Im scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy


I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me



Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my effing misery



I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me


Randall's verse of the day :

Hebrews 12:28-29

28Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29for our "God is a consuming fire."