Turn the Knife baby. Now Pull.

When you are told something over and over by multiple people, you tend to start believing it. Whats worse is when you already knew it but didn't see it as a bad thing. But when the words are thrown around in those negative ways by anyone who comments about it, it tends to take a mental toll, and you start believing its a really bad thing. And i start to blame it for my failures in certain aspects of my life.

Its like when my mom used to tell me how disgusting my pimples were. How gross they were. And how i just looked horrible. She wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me, but it did. It is now engraved into my brain that pimples on myself (i really don't even notice them on other people) are the most hideous things in the world. And that when i have even just one its something to be embarrassed about.

Yeah, its a lot like that. Except this current thing, its not just the random pimple every now and then. Its not going away in a week. It didn't just pop up a day ago. Its been like this since i could remember, and its not easily going away.

Well Ive had enough. The fire has been lit. And i am now using those things that are said to burn the coals and get the train moving. Its gonna start moving and there will be no looking back, no stopping it. I take pleasure in repeating everyones words in my head. Over and Over and Over. All day long. Until a bright fire burns in my eyes and that "i-will-show-you" smirk stretched across my face. And then i do what needs to be done. Everyday. Until everyone says wow. Randy. Wow. And everyone will kick themselves for botched opportunities.

I wasn't good enough for any of you. Because i have had a lifelong pimple.

A lifelong pimple. And I'm going to make it disappear.



Randall's lyrics of the day:

'cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all
you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be
and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard
when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do
i could swear that i don't care
but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through
so look at me
i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true
i'm just like me, i'm just like me so, who the hell are you?



Randall's verse of the day :


Romans 6:23

23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.