Lessons from my failures.

I was very recently inspired by some events around me to write down a few lessons i have learned from past failures. Relationship stuff. Now, im not telling you how to have a successful relationship, that would be a little ironic, coming from the single guy, who unintentionally turns girls away like cats to water. I am merely trying to give some inside information as to how not to have a relationship fail miserably, and give some inside information to the mind of a guy such as myself (take that for whatever it means to you). So here goes.



Accept your boyfriend/girlfriend for everything they are.
This is probably my biggest mistake. When in a relationship i tend to have some control issues. She does some things or wants to do some things that i dont neccesarily agree with and i make sure my voice is heard. But its not enough that my voice is heard. I want her to not only acknowledge my feelings, but change her way of life for them. So she wants to go have 2 or 3 drinks with some friends. And i have to make a big deal out of it.

ALL THAT LEADS TO IS MISERY. Look, if he/she wants to do something, and you choose to be in a relationship with them, then have enough trust that they are not going to go beyond their limits and mess everything up. While there is always room for failure as a human being, we have to learn to trust people.

Not only have i made someone else miserable by trying to press my beliefs on them. But i have been made miserable as well by having it done to me. It doesn't feel good to have someone you love and that's supposed to love you throw a fit because you want to do something innocent, and they obscure it to be something its not. This also makes it more difficult be in a completely open relationship where you can maturely talk about everything. Because no one wants to be open with the whiny blow-everything-out-of-the-water-boyfriend/girlfriend who freaks out when you mention alcohol or cigarettes, or a friend of the opposite sex, or a friend that you went on a date with, or you get my point.

Next.

Honesty is key.
In all three of my relationships i am guilty of lieing. Not just small white lies, but big hairy grotesque elephants in the room kind of lies. And it all started with the beginning of my relationship/friendship with my ex's. See i had never been able to come to terms with my past mistakes. And because of that, and because of how judgemental/jealous many girls (very much including christian girls) are, i decided to lie about my past mistakes. And in doing so, every moment of my relationships that had to do anything with those mistakes, where all carried on with more and more lies. And after being in a relationship for say more then a month, you cant go back. You cant turn around and say, hey i lied about this. Hey you know how i have been saying over and over that nothing went on between me and that girl from my past, yeah i lied, this happened. Its just not something that anyone who isn't fearless can do.

Thus i need to turn over a new stone in the next relationship. I am devoted to not lie about my past anymore. I will tell the truth, and god will weed out who can stand to bear it and who cant.

My suggestion to anyone who is living this way in a relationship now... Start over. Don't start the whole relationship over, but sit down, and spill. Because having that elephant sized lie in the room all the time is only going to make the relationship harder and harder, and its going to get easier and easier to lie, until you lie habitually. From experience, you know what happens when you lie?, you believe the other person is lieing to you as well, and then you have a relationship with no trust.

Don't let your anger hide your love.
Be angry. But remember who it is your angry at. When you get angry at him/her, take just a second and think about who this person is. Think about how they deserve to be treated. Of all people i know anger can be blinding. It can cast a shadow over your love and it can lead to many things you had wished you never said, many levels of yelling you wish you had never reached, Its an all consuming fire that will destroy a relationship from head to toe. Don't let that happen. Because chances are the other person doesn't deserve it, not that way.

You are not your boyfriend/girlfriends mom or dad.
Don't tell them what to do. Flat out do not tell your boyfriend/girlfriend what to do. Do not punish them for their mistakes. Do not hand down punishment because they did something you do not agree with. They are their own person and they are going to do what they see is right. If you cant agree with them, at least realize why you are with them. Chances are you are not going to be with them because they make wrong choices. Chances are you are going to be with them because they are an amazing inspiration in your life, someone you can trust and look up to. They will have a different opinion than you about certain things, but that doesn't make them wrong. And furthermore, that does not make you the authority figure to tell them what to do and hand down punishment if they don't listen.

DON'T be a hypocrite.
This one kills me when i do it and when it happens to me. Don't get mad or try and start something about a problem you have, that you knowingly will probably commit sometime down the road. Such as hey i don't want you going to a party when you will probably go to a party sometime in life. Or hey don't drink because once you turn 21 you will drink. Or hey don't buy something i don't like, because i am probably going to buy something you don't like sometime down the road. That's just not fair.


EVERYONE WILL HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS
Remember that. You don't want him/her throwing a fit and getting mad at you because you want to buy a pair converse do you? Just as he/she does not want you getting mad at him/her because he wants to have a couple drinks/cigarettes. Understand that you are with another human being and they are going to like things you don't. Don't bring them down for something they like/want to do. We are all entitled to our own opinions, so once you tell them yours, don't bring them down because of theirs. Respect their choices, whatever they may be.




These are things i struggle with. I am very opinionated about things such as cigarettes or alcohol (when I'm not around). And they are the things i have experienced problems with in my life, which is why i am using them as my examples. So i don't want to come across as saying them in a way that i don't have these problems and you shouldn't too. These are just things that i am committed to overcome because i have treated 3 to many girls the wrong way. And they all deserve to be treated like gold.