Thursday, July 31, 2008

Cross your fingers and try to die. (its the only way to truly live)

I'm about to look at my income vs bills for this month to see if i can start training. I get payed three times this month which is good. But i am also paying more due to some recent (expletive) car problems and a more then average cell phone bill due to it being the first one since switching to Verizon. I hope this turns out well.

Randall's lyrics of the day:(This ones for you Michelle!)

Let’s pack up and move to California
Hope on board before we get older
Raise your hands and shout for California
Come on, come on, come in, come on

Let’s pack up and move to California
She’s got lots of friends out there
We’ll never get bored cause we can go boardin
Let’s let the sunshine take us there

Let’s pack up and move to California
Hop on board before we get older
Raise your hands we’re heading for the border
Come on, come on, come on, come on

Randall's verse of the day :

Galatians 3:25-28

25But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor.
26For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.
27For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
28There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Your ruining your life, one video/picture at a time.

This one hit me pretty hard.

"He was a close friend of the family, we trusted him enough to come over when nobody was home...he was the coach of my girls softball team and my dad was assistant coach, so they were pretty day one of the girls claimed that he had touched her inappropriately while she was dad bailed him out of jail, and even testified for him...we were a traveling team so we spent many nights in hotels playing night my dad called and told me the coach has a warrant out for his arrest...the police found a bag of video tapes of girls on the was asked to identify some of the told me he identified many of the girls, one of them was me...they said he had snuck video cameras into our bathrooms of the hotels while we were on the road...he had coached our team for 7 years..."

This was one of the confessions on One of the confessions of how P0rn has affected someones life. Its one thing to think about how it is affecting one person. Its another to think how for some people it will evolve into something much more then just a personal thing. While all the other confessions were about how it affected each individual and their own life, this girl shared a story about how it affected hers, and many other girls lives. After watching those confessions i realized the biggest problem people have is talking to other people about their problem. I realize that from what i read, people really feel they are alone, not in that they look at the stuff, but they feel they are alone in their addiction to it. And that's not the case.

My problem is i want to do something to help. But i don't know how. Its one of the most difficult subjects for a guy to bring up to another guy, specially as a christian to another brother. Its embarrassing, its shameful, and its something that takes soo much time to conquer. Its been shunned by the church, pastors, deacons, elders, they all tell boys and men alike to keep this between them and god because its not "proper" to talk about it. Well that's the biggest load of crap i have ever heard. Jesus didn't mind talking about it. Paul didn't mind talking about it. Heck, Paul brought it out into the open and shamed the Corinthians for it in front of the entire church. So why aren't we supposed to talk about it again? I know there is a time and place. But to keep it between god and yourself cause it isn't proper? That's ridiculous. But that's what we are made to believe. That's what we are coerced into thinking. That's how we have been brainwashed to feel.

So what do i do? How do i help? How do i break that mold, that wall, and that barrier and get through to pretty much every male that we need to talk about this, we need to get something going, so that we as men can all defeat this problem. And what do i do about the women? I mean i know I'm not supposed to talk to them about this kind of stuff. But if i don't, who will? Im not saying im going to. I couldnt do that, it wouldnt sit right. Im just expressing the opinion of "who will?". I know women don't all look at it like almost all men do, but i know there are many. A quote from another girl from a confession "I started watching it when i was 9...its been a battle ever since...MORE women and girls watch it then most men know, and more women and girls watch it then ALL women know." Sounds to me like it is even more shamed upon for women to say anything about it then it is for men. So what do i do? What do i do to get something started for women? And what do i do to help my fellow brothers? I am lost because i want to help, but don't know how.

That is all.

P.S. I drove by your street last night. I looked down it to your house and saw a car, parked right where i used to park. Guess what. I didn't feel a thing. No sadness. No remorse. Nothing. I drove on with my friends, and had a great time. And i was happy.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

If I could only get a kiss
I could make you take a risk
on a boy who wants this
And now the sun has sunk below
The evening wind now starts to blow
I catch the scent of you're perfume
It lifts me higher than the moon

I'll be fine if you stay by my side...

Never felt this way in my whole life
Never had this feeling before tonight
I can't get you off my mind
Cause you shine, Girl
Oh you know you shine

Your eyes are brighter than the sun
They make me see that you're the one
Your smile takes my breath away
and leaves me with nothing to say
You aren't like any other girl
that I've met in this whole world
You're so much more than they can be
So won't you please just be with me?

I'll be fine if you stay the night...

Never felt this way in my whole life
Never had this feeling before tonight
I can't get you off my mind
Cause you shine, Girl
Oh you know you shine

Randall's verse of the day :

2 Corinthians 12:19-21

19 Have you been thinking all along that we have been defending ourselves to you? We have been speaking in the sight of God as those in Christ; and everything we do, dear friends, is for your strengthening.
20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.
21 I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged.

Monday, July 28, 2008

If my first means nothing, dont let the last go to waste.

Intervention is a television program about the realities facing addicts of many kinds. Each program follows one or two participants, each of whom suffers from an addiction or other mentally and/or physically damaging problem and believes he/she is being filmed for a documentary on their problem. Their situations are actually being documented in anticipation of an intervention by family and/or friends.

Intervention is probably the most wonderful and painful show i watch. I have never been so happy as to see am 80somethin pound girl to accept help and get past her anorexia. I have never been so happy as to see the guy addicted to meth who has a family that he is tearing up get help. Or the girl who got high repeatedly until she got pregnant, had her kid, was clean for two years, and now left her kid at her parents house to live with some creep and get high all the time. I am in love with the stories, and the love the families have, and the care these addicts have, not for their own lives, but for their families, that drives them to get help.

But at the same time it hurts so bad to watch these. Because two people who i used to be close to, two who i had the opportunity to help, may still be going through the same thing. I still love this person, but there isn't any communication between us, and there hasn't been for a while. On the one hand, i watch these people and i hear and see them say and do things that horrify me, because i picture this person that was in my life saying or doing these things. Take the last one for example. This girl said more then once, "I can stop whenever i want." I heard that more then once. "Do you want to go get high, because i don't give a f*ck". This girl talked just like my friend. Sounded just like my friend. Acted a lot just like my friend. I watched that entire episode and all i saw, was my friend, not the girl that was actually on the TV. I had deep emotion connected to this particular episode. Because she reminded me so much of my old friend. The only thing that really hurts me, is that unlike the people on this show, my friend doesn't have anyone around that cares enough to do something like this. My friend is surrounded by friends and family that are all ok with it, or that are addicted in their own ways. NO ONE to care that my friend is going to destroy my friends life.

I love my friend. Something else that hurt watching the episode yesterday was how her dad acted. Her dad was a deacon at a church, her mom was a Sunday school teacher. Her parents were the typical church working parents. It hurt me to watch the dad yell at this girl, it hurt me to watch the dad push god onto this girl, it hurt me to watch the dad tell this girl god this, god that, god loves you, god god god god god. And he yelled. And he would guilt trip her into feeling bad. And he was, from what i could tell, mentally abusive in some way. It wasn't that he was trying to be, it wasn't that he was a bad person, it wasn't that he was a monster, it was that he had no idea how to get through to this girl, it was that he had no idea what to do with the situation, he was lost, he was scared, he was hurt, and he didn't know how to go about helping. And as you saw at the end of the episode all he had to do was say "I" " love you". Not God loves you. "I" Love you.

Why did that hurt me so much? Because in the relationship i had with my friend. I was the dad. I did those things. I tried to press God. I yelled at my friend, i guilt tripped my friend, i mentally abused my friend. I pushed my friend away. And now my friend doesn't communicate with me. When all i had to do was say "I" Love you. And shown it. That's why my friend became friends with me in the first place. Because i said "I" Love you. Because at first, i showed it. It didn't last long. Because i was scared, hurt, and lost. I had no idea how to help my friend, i had no idea how to handle this situation. What i thought was right, was completely wrong. And i may have screwed up the last opportunity to help my friend, whom i love so dearly.

I have never cried about a TV show or movie or anything like that before. THIS is why sometimes i tear when i watch this show.

I am sorry. I am filled with guilt and shame to this day. I live with a world full of sorrow because of my mistakes. I don't need to have the type of friendship we had, back. I'm not looking to have our friendship back. And what i mean by that is its not the most important thing. The only thing i really care about, is my friend, getting over the addiction. My friend, getting LOVE. My friend having the people around to love my friend and guide my friend to the path of getting clean. What i would give to walk that path with my friend, and do it the right way this time. I wouldn't care if after that i never saw my friend again. Just the opportunity to show my friend the kind of LOVE i have for my friend and to walk my friend down that path just pouring every ounce of LOVE i have into my friend.

I don't even know if i can show this to my friend, because of the shame and embarrassment i have, and because i feel that the way i have acted towards my friend gives me no credibility, and my friend will immediately stop reading this because i drove my friend to a state where we just picked out the wrongs in each others statements and didn't care about the good constructive things.

P.S. I understand that i took God out of the picture a lot in this. I am in no way saying that you need to take god out of the picture. God is a crucial part of doing anything correctly in life. But i stress the importance of understanding what is right for each particular person. Sometimes a person even hearing the word god or bible will turn them off, will ruin your credibility, it will upset them and they will not be interested in your help. Sometimes a person needs it to be shown, not told. This girl in this show, she needed to be shown not told. Because it was through her dads actions and statements at the end in which he never mentioned god once, that he was most glorifying to god. His actions glorified god far more then ever saying the words "lord", "god", or "bible", ever did. I (now) feel that you have to understand the circumstances you are in and when you should and shouldn't say or do certain things. And that includes strait up slapping someone in the face with the bible (which works on some) versus showing them through action(which works on others). 1 Corinthians 9:19 -22 "19 Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some".

Randall's lyrics of the day:

The waves on my back will tear at my heart no more.

I spent so long trying to write the perfect song, but it ended up in pieces.
Streetlights keep me warm tonight because she sleeps in another city.
Relieve me from this pain
From all your pain.
If my first means nothing don’t let the last go to waste.

Will you meet me in Riverside, we can’t be late.
I burnt my eyes trying to find a reason for this to fall apart.

I’m breathing oceans and distorting my losses.
The black clouds around your eyes soften me.
I’ll show you how this should be done, real passion and real grace, my love.
I’m not faceless like the fraud you used to give yourself to.

Randall's verse of the day :

Proverbs 2:1-11

1 My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,
3 and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.
6 For the Lord gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds victory in store for the upright,
he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
8 for he guards the course of the just
and protects the way of his faithful ones.
9 Then you will understand what is right and just
and fair—every good path.
10 For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
11 Discretion will protect you,
and understanding will guard you.

Friday, July 25, 2008

I Adore you.

"Sometimes it takes repetition for such a small saying to sink in and have such greater value and meaning."

That's what i got out of church last night. He said it during worship. I did pay attention the rest of the time. But my mind has been wrapped around the truth of that saying.

I adore you.

Have you ever had that person in your life, that you look at and go, How in the world, can ANYONE not believe in Intelligent design. Its like this person, was made, created, to be in your life. This person was designed and built, for your life. Not matter how large or small of a role, they were created in his image, character traits intelligently designed, for your life!

I adore you.

And yet somehow, something in the back of your head, doesn't feel that this person fits. Somehow, something in your subconscious something drives at you, telling you if this person seems to be to good to be true, then they are.

I adore you.

Through your PAST, your experiences guarantee you that this person will not be the ray of light, will not be that perfect fitting puzzle piece. NO Nonono. You have been let down too many times in the past. Guys and girls it doesn't matter. Friends, best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, brothers, sisters, acquaintances, and complete strangers. Every single one has let you down.

I adore you.

And so this piece of the puzzle cant be all that its cracked up to be can it? This time spent is all insignificant to whats destined to come. And that's failure. And that's let down. And that's someone who wouldn't dare give half of what you would give for a simple friendship.

I Adore you.

So who then do you trust?

I Adore you.

I gotta say there is only one answer to that. And that is the lord. And that is the bible. We are told that nobody is and ever will be perfect. And yet we try and hold quite a few people in our lives to the standard that they should be. Whether its boyfriend or girlfriends, best friends or siblings, mom or dad. Maybe I'm off and its just me. But i have subconsciously and consciously held certain people in my life to a perfect standard. And that's not fair.

I ADORE you.

Christ was perfect. In every way. The bible is perfect. In every way. God. God is perfect. Beyond every way that i could fathom. I am told to forgive and to love. And that's hard. Its hard to forgive any girl in my life for what my ex has done to me. I do in my own passive way, treat girls as if they are all the same. Because i was hurt by one. Because one girl did somethings to me, and because more than one girl did something to my father, and because multiple girls have done many things to my best of friends, i passively think of them as all the same. How am i supposed to forgive the girls that did these things, if i am blaming even those that didn't? If i am blaming the ones who didn't do a thing. Who wouldn't do a thing.

I ADORE you.

Oh and this little novel isn't just about the girls. Because i have been screwed over from some of my closest guy friends. And the ones i call friends now. I passively take it out on them. I don't trust. I don't believe a word. I don't have any faith in anyone. How am i supposed to forgive those in my past who have screwed me over, if i am blaming those who had nothing to do with that. Who didn't do those things. Who wouldn't do those things.


Well i guess this is where it starts. At least i hope. I have to admit my faults and problems. I have to admit to you whom i unfairly judge because of what someone you don't even know did to me. I am wrong. Forgive me. Girls, i am sorry. You are not all the same, and you are not all out to screw over a guy. Forgive me for classifying you. Forgive me for going farther then stereotyping you. I am sorry. Brothers, i am sorry. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for holding you to such a high standard. Forgive me for classifying you.


Oh lord how i adore you. Oh lord how perfect and amazing you are. Thank you for intelligently designing the people in my life. Thank you for giving some of them the purpose of being in my life. Thank you for slapping my hand when i am wrong. Thank you for gently showing me my faults and the things i need to change. I am trying to forgive. I am trying to love my enemy. Please be patient with me, because i am going to struggle. Please allow those who i have wronged to forgive me, though i don't deserve it. I trust you. I believe you. I have faith in you. I Adore you. Thank you.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

Can you feel your heart beat racing
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
You've done this wrong, we're too far gone
These sheets tell of regret
I admit that I'm just a fool for you

Here is where we both went wrong

Tonight's your last chance to do exactly what you want to
And this could be my night, this is what makes me feel alive
Makes you feel alive

Here is where we both go wrong
So sign me up and toss this key 'cause for now were living

In this moment that we both ignore the truth
Its all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes

Your lungs have failed and they're both stopped breathing
My heart is dead its way past beating
Something has gone terribly wrong
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this
I never thought we'd make it out alive
I never told you but it's all in your goodbyes

Well look who's dying now slit wrists sleeping with the girl next door
I always knew you were such a sucker for that
It doesn't matter what you say
You never mattered anyway
I never mattered anyway

Don't shake I hate to see you tremble - trembling
You've lost your touch haven't you
And I'm so addicted

Randall's verse of the day :

1 Peter 3:15

15but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Relationships are shooting stars.

Where to start. I feel like throwing up. What have i done.

"I don't care if you have to work 15 hours a day, we have a bed in the medical room if you want to stay here." I guess that's what responsibility sounds like. And no he wasn't joking. While i am thankful that i have job security, this level of responsibility sucks. Grin and bear it right. I try.

Its been affecting me though. Psychologically. For the past three days the moment i get into my car (by myself) i get dizzy. Everything starts to spin. And i don't have the reaction time i should. I don't have the concentration level i should. I blew through a stop sign the other day. I didn't even see it. I was a second away from dieing. Look up "real life frogger" on youtube and click the first video. No joke it was something like that. That's not all though. Yesterday i was sitting in the car at lunch. And the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and i got real cold. I turned around and at the front of the building next to the entrance was a man. He was in a black suit. His head wasn't a mans head. It was a pigs head. Not like a normal pig. But like a creepy horrible pig. It had a nose ring. Its ears were like horns. It was beat red. Its eyes were as big as my hands. There was fire in its eyes. Its left ear was pierced. It had 4 visible teeth, the lower left one was broken. They were all yellow and black. It just stared at me. I blinked and shook my head (you know like they do in the movies when they see something they don't believe is there.) I closed my eyes and shook my head and opened them and it was gone. I don't know whats going on. I don't know whats wrong.

What else is going on in my life.

I was driving home the other day, and i heard this song. And it gave me that sensation that i have a memory(this one felt painful) attached to the song. I struggled to find what the memory was and i couldn't recall it. I hate that.

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

I'm pretty sure i have some bad B.O. Or maybe bad breath. People are like a moth to the flame. The flame away from me. People invite people, and they go with. I invite people, and they go away.

I don't know whats real, and whats not anymore. I don't know whats genuine. I don't know how to interpret. I guess its because the massive lies she fed me. I guess its because of the way she said what i wanted to hear, just to put 3 million miles between us once i gave her the inch of space she wanted. It would be easier if i was blind.

I feel like the world is telling me to run. And i would give in. But i question everything. "which way?" I ask. I get no answer. So i stay put.

You are brilliant. You are a light in the darkness. You are one of the coolest people i have ever met. You are worth. And i am not. I wish i was. It would be swell. It would be all i could ask for.

Randall's lyrics of the day: (i dedicate this song to someone i once knew, hey lush, have fun...)

Is this what you want?
'Cause everybody acts without a clue
Every little kiss and grin you gave
Was just a little bullshit I saw through

The alcohol is scented with your breath
You're always all done up to just be used
I'm waiting for excuses that deceive
I'll meet you in the back to see them through

How did I let her inside?
We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your girlfriend

It hurts...

Are you out of your mind?
You dug yourself into a liar’s hole
You made a little spark to live inside
It’s now a fucking fire out of control
And when the morning comes you’ll act surprised
And when the word gets out it will get old
And every day you’ll try to live your life
And every little scandal will unfold

How did I let her inside?
We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your girlfriend

(It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts)
(It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts) Your best friend is not your girlfriend

Randall's verse of the day :

Isaiah 25:8

8He will swallow up death for all time,
And the Lord GOD will wipe tears away from all faces,
And He will remove the reproach of His people from all the earth;
For the LORD has spoken.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Diary of a Failure

It’s the resting of the end of her foot on my knee. It’s her hand resting on top of mine, played off in the most casual way. It’s when she gets up, and as she walks past me, she slightly runs her nails down my knee cap. It’s that extra two second my hand stays in yours. It’s the glance and wink. It’s the smile when he looks down. It’s the way she hugs.

Sometimes I wonder, do girls know what they are doing? Sometimes I wonder, are these things done on purpose? And if so, is there a motive behind them? Is there something more, something deeper, then my reflection on the surface? Is it for the attention? Or do they not even know. Is it just part of they way the female species is, and they have no idea how meaningful those things can be?

Understand this is in no way me wondering if anyone likes me. It is just me wondering. Because things like that stick. They don’t just go away. They leave me asking myself. What was that? Sometimes even, I question if they really happened. I ask myself, did that really happen, or was that just something you imagined, are you immediately exaggerating something that just happened to be something bigger then it really was?

It’s the way she circles her nails, slightly across my back, as she passed by.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

I will say yes...
The question asked in order to save her life or take it
The answer no avoided death, the answer yes would make it

"Do you believe in God?" written on the bullet
Say yes to pull the trigger
"Do you believe in God?" written on the bullet
And Cassie pulls the trigger

All heads are bowed in silence to remember her last sentence
She answered him, knowing what would happen
Her last words still hanging in the air

How many will die? I will die. I will say yes. Yes.

Randall's verse of the day :

1 Corinthians 9:25-27

25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.
27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize

Monday, July 14, 2008

Too Infinity...and beyond!

Lets change the situation. Lets change it all. Lets say I'm the one on top of the world. Lets say I'm the singer, the fighter, the model, the star quarterback. Lets say i have all these connections and throw the best get togethers. Lets say Ive got talent at everything i do. Lets say i was the one who makes others feel inadequate just by being around them, and even being nice to them. Lets say i am the one who will lust over every girl even while i am genuinely trying to get your attention. Lets say i am everyones "probably the coolest guy i know".

Would i have a chance then?

I think my problem is I'm hard to satisfy. I only want the best. I cant settle for mediocrity. I had the closest to the best i may ever get. But i messed that all up. And now I'm playing this game again. Thinking I'm someone with far better credentials then i will ever have. And having far beyond realistic goals. No i cant settle for what i deserve. I try and pull only the brightest stars out of the sky. The problem is they are never anywhere close to being in my reach. And I'm no astronaut.

What i would give to be an astronaut.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

I know what it's like,
growing up without your
father in your life
So I pretend, I'm doing all I can
And I hope someday you'll
find it in your heart

To understand
Why I'm not around
And forgive me for not
being in your life

I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Remember waiting there to
find nothing at all
I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Waiting there to find nothing at all

I pray I get the chance
To make it up to you
We got a lot of catching up to do

Forgive me!
I'm so sorry!
I will make it up to you....

Randall's verse of the day :

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Dead by Midnight.

I don't think its the job that makes me upset. Its all the time to think while i am working, that drives me to dislike the time i spend at work. Sometimes i can be really constructive, most times though i am deeply pessimistic. Every now and then my brain send my conscious small hints of narcissism, most days though, I'm strangled by low self esteem. Its sometimes so bad that i think to myself a whole team of diggers couldn't find the positive in me. You would have to dig through the ten layers of self loathing, take a jack hammer through the 10 foot deep slab of low self esteem, sweep away the layer of guilt, and carefully chisel away the fear that engulfs me.

Its amazing how you can grow up in the same world, and yet, grow up in a completely contrasted world to someone else. Its amazing how you can have such strong feelings of like or dislike, hate or love for things that you never really had a reason for. Because of the world you grew up in. My family would have loved to shelter me. They would have loved to keep me from all the bad in the world. They would have loved for me to grow up not knowing about all the stupid things our generation participates in. And somehow, without never really having my own deep thoughts about things, i have grown to love and despise different things. I have grown to have such strong feelings about them, and never even scratched the surface of the reality of them. Because people influence me.

It still happens today. It still happens now in my life. The people around me influence me. Not like a hey go smoke this or hey go jump of this bridge or any single form of action. But they influence the way i feel about things. They influence the way i depict the world and myself. I'm tired of being disgusted with myself. I'm tired of loathing myself. As much as i love the people i call friend and acquaintances, a part of me is really disturbed towards them. The thing is, is people can be so judgemental, they can be so set in their own ways, that they wont stand for anything else. They will push every part of who they are, and say that its the right way. And say that its how everyone should be. I know this because i am guilty of it in the worst ways. Honestly its punishing. Because the way everyone pushes there way onto everyone else, it sometimes sinks through, and though i am strong enough to know my own opinion about things, i am not strong enough to not feel like crap when i do them because of what people say.

Look. I don't care if you don't like alcohol, or you don't like cigars, or you don't like people who dye their hair black, or you don't like tattoos, or you don't like clothing that make a point, or you don't like it when a guy and a girl kiss in public, and so on and so on. If i do something that makes you STUMBLE, let me know. (and I'm emphasizing stumble for a reason, there is a difference between something causing you to stumble and just not liking something.) I will, to the best of my ability, refrain from doing anything that makes you stumble, around you. I will. BUT. Don't tell me the things i do are bad. Don't tell me I'm in the wrong. Don't tell me that your opinion is right and mine is wrong. Don't force your opinion on me. I read the bible. I consult the bible and i consult other people whom i consider mentors or even older brothers, whom i trust and will thoroughly listen to their take on it and i will take it into consideration. I know I'm not going to agree with everyone about everything. Even biblicaly. But i do, and only god knows, i do strive to do what i interpret the bible to tell me to do.

So please, if you have an opinion on something, don't hesitate to let me know. But don't try and force it upon me, don't try and use it to make me feel like crap. And by the way. This really isn't directed at anyone. Just the world in general. Also. My self esteem issues go far beyond what the world does and most of it is due to my own problems. So im not saying that the world is the entire cause of any of my problems.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

Behold! The human being, more primitive than television
The urges in the hearts of men, older than the science within
The machine comes apart with ease, the doctor’s operating table
The hearts of men do as they please
John Wayne Gacy, Cain and Able

Feeding images into you, prying your eyeballs open
Somewhere deep inside, it’s true
The red you see remains unspoken
The death, the rape, the tragedy
The world is an ugly place
What’s capable in side of me
Is going to rear its ugly face

Taught to close our eyes and tuck ourselves away in silence
For centuries the world dies, everything I see is violence

There’s nothing new under the sun

Randall's verse of the day :

1 Corinthians 2:10-12

10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.
11For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
12We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Drop dead, Gorgeous.

Its getting much easier now that i see the truth. You see. I would have poured everything into you. But as i reached for the cup you slapped my hand away. You never filled the cup in the first place. This was all just a game. A revenge mission for all the others that have hurt you. A mission to gain inutile items and then destroy what i had left. Well it didn't work. I see through those fallacious eyes. And I'm better off because of them. I don't need you. I have everything i need.

Many of us will hear "I would give my life for you. I would take a bullet for you. I would do anything for you." Isn't it such a wonderful thing to hear? Well how often do you think its the truth? One person has told me they would die for me, guess what, he did. And i am so thankful for him. Yeah I'm about to use something very unoriginal. But the its the truth. I'm in love with a man. You see, Jesus Christ died for me. For me specifically. He died for you too.

Can you ever really trust someone? Its a hard thing to grasp. Absolute trust. When I'm told the world is full of evil and that NO ONE is perfect. I find absolute trust a difficult task. But what if we didn't need to trust people. What if we could be in relationships that didn't involve having to trust the other person? And I'm not talking about the no strings attached, I'll show you mine if you show me yours first kind of relationship. I'm talking about a deep relationship that is everything God intends it to be. You see through talking with many people and talking with myself and talking with God, i have found a solution to my trust problem. I don't have to trust you. I don't have to trust my friends. I don't have to trust my future girlfriend. I have to trust God. You see, i feel that if i trust in Gods ultimate plan for my life. If i trust in Gods promises, then i never have to worry about what any one particular person does. If i truly trust in Gods plan for my life, then no matter what anyone in my life does, as long as i live my life to glorify him and trust him, then his plan will bear its fruit eventually. I can trust my future girlfriend, because i trust gods plan. I can trust my friends, because i trust gods plan. I can trust that dark alley, because i trust gods plan.

And thus, i don't need your silly games. I don't need to play this way. I trust Gods plan. You, world. Gorgeous, beautiful, evil world. You have nothing to offer me. You will drop dead. And you will regret having turned away from what is so obviously right.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

And I scream,
And nobody listens.
And I scream,
But everyone's louder.
Drink until everything seems to make sense,
In this desperate night, we were all wearing costume.

Lay awake until the stomach settles.
Just one taste will make it all feel better.

I don't fear, I don't fear, I don't fear, I don't fear.
I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.

You never had the guts to face me, to face me

"I don't believe we've met...
Allow me to introduce myself."

"I don't believe we've met.
When I look at you I can see myself."

Randall's verse of the day :

John 1:12

12Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—

Monday, July 7, 2008

A GoldDigger Eats A Millionaire(And Vice Versa)

Well. I have learned a lot about myself the last few days. Some of it i dont like. Some of it i do. I did some things last week not for my own glory, but to truly try and help someone people. I really enjoyed the feeling. And while i wasnt really proud of myself, i was very happy with what i had done. I did some other things this past week that im not to proud of.

Im still struggling with the biggest problem in my life, but i feel i am on the cusp of overcoming it and its just a matter of pushing myself to the limit.

I also have begun to see the truth about certain things. I have realised that behind all the lies it wasnt really about me as much as it was about what i could provide. And while that bothers me a bit, it helps at the same time.

I pretty much love being busy. I didnt touch a video game this last week and im thrilled by that. Not that i felt that i had a problem. It just ment i didnt have any free time. And thats a great thing. I love having my friends. I love getting to know new people and old friends better.

I LOVE sitting on the roof of a house and watching fireworks.

I made some decisions this past week that im not sure if i regret. Well. Im sure that i dont regret them. I dont regret them at all. I actually am happy that i did. What im not sure about is if i should regret them. I mean, i didnt do anything wrong. I didnt do anything im not supposed to. But i did things that others might attack me for, or might have their own opinion of as wrong.

I have started doing HIIT with a kettlebell and it is very much amazing. I love it. I could immediatly tell it was the most effective work out i have ever had. And today i am really feeling it. What i love about it is how short it is, and the motions involved. For the first time it was FUN. I worked out, and enjoyed it. I want to do it again today but that wouldnt be good. But i want to. And its going to provide results. I know this. And i cant wait.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss and no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.

The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give.

For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.

Randall's verse of the day :

Psalm 18:46

The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Sometimes it makes me sick.

"That's What She Said." It's Michael's tortured 8th grade-level double entendre that seems to be less of a conscious effort than an instinct level form of bad comedy Tourette's Syndrome.

I remember when i first started hearing this phrase more and more. I was battling some lust problems (that have all but gone away) and i think i at least asked some people to at least cut back on the amount they used this phrase around me. Like Michael in the TV show The Office I'm pretty sure its got to the point where some people just cant control it. It seems to me that it really has gotten to be an almost instinctual response. And it does make me sick to my stomach sometime. You know, i have overheard people talking about things we shouldn't say or do and sometime have even brought up "That's what she said". Unfortunately people have brought it up in an almost redeeming fashion. The reference it like you know at least "That's what she said" is not all that bad. Ugh.

Well i am here to argue. Maybe i cant speak for everyone. But i can speak for myself. And honestly, it doesn't help the lust problem. In fact, it makes it much harder. Couldn't help it could you? Now don't get me wrong, i am in no way more of a victim than i am a culprit. I have grown a bit accustomed to hearing it and saying it. So my cry for it to stop is not just to attack everyone else who uses it. But myself as well. Its something i have been working on. But i do need, for my own good, a little more participation.

See here is the problem. Say for examples, my lust problem is i cant stop staring at a girls boobs or butt, or say i cant stop having sex with anybody, or say i look at porn. The conversation would go something like this. Hey randy want to help me real quick? Yeah sure man what do you need? Could you just help me hammer this in? Seriously? You cant do that on your own? Are you in the right hole? "That's what she said". HAHAHA funny right? Lets pause it directly at the moment after "That's what she said" was uttered. What pops into your mind? What do you picture, what do you think of? If there are 10 people in the room that overhear that, what do they think of? If someone doesn't understand it the are trying to grasp the joke, so they think and they try and visualize the conversation to understand the joke. If i have the problem having sex, or the problem looking at porn, well one could assume that the moment i visualize the "that's what she said joke" that that person would be weakened in his fight to control himself and eventually later give in. Everyone laughs, some give high fives or hand shakes, and congratulate the guy for perfect timing. At the very least, that is putting ourselves in a position that we are saying its OK to talk and think about that stuff.

As Christians are we not only supposed to hold ourselves to a higher standard but also avoid the appearance of evil? Imagine what that looks like to those on the outside? I know when people say that i cant help but wonder is that person really pure? Is that person really the saint they are supposed to be behind closed doors when no one is watching? I can only imagine what someone who is not christian feels about me every time i say that.

Look. I don't care if you agree with me or disagree. All I'm asking is please, Once again, cut back on the phrase around me. Whether you agree or not, it does affect me and my own lust problems in negative ways. So please, if you can, cut back on the phrase. And if you hear me use it, please call me out on it.

Randall's lyrics of the day:

So cut my wrists and black my eyes
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you killed me,
You know you do, you kill me well, you like it too and I can tell,
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words,
I love you is all she heard,
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.

Randall's verse of the day :

Matthew 15:10-11

10Jesus called the crowd to him and said, "Listen and understand. 11What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.' "