Dead by Midnight.

I don't think its the job that makes me upset. Its all the time to think while i am working, that drives me to dislike the time i spend at work. Sometimes i can be really constructive, most times though i am deeply pessimistic. Every now and then my brain send my conscious small hints of narcissism, most days though, I'm strangled by low self esteem. Its sometimes so bad that i think to myself a whole team of diggers couldn't find the positive in me. You would have to dig through the ten layers of self loathing, take a jack hammer through the 10 foot deep slab of low self esteem, sweep away the layer of guilt, and carefully chisel away the fear that engulfs me.

Its amazing how you can grow up in the same world, and yet, grow up in a completely contrasted world to someone else. Its amazing how you can have such strong feelings of like or dislike, hate or love for things that you never really had a reason for. Because of the world you grew up in. My family would have loved to shelter me. They would have loved to keep me from all the bad in the world. They would have loved for me to grow up not knowing about all the stupid things our generation participates in. And somehow, without never really having my own deep thoughts about things, i have grown to love and despise different things. I have grown to have such strong feelings about them, and never even scratched the surface of the reality of them. Because people influence me.

It still happens today. It still happens now in my life. The people around me influence me. Not like a hey go smoke this or hey go jump of this bridge or any single form of action. But they influence the way i feel about things. They influence the way i depict the world and myself. I'm tired of being disgusted with myself. I'm tired of loathing myself. As much as i love the people i call friend and acquaintances, a part of me is really disturbed towards them. The thing is, is people can be so judgemental, they can be so set in their own ways, that they wont stand for anything else. They will push every part of who they are, and say that its the right way. And say that its how everyone should be. I know this because i am guilty of it in the worst ways. Honestly its punishing. Because the way everyone pushes there way onto everyone else, it sometimes sinks through, and though i am strong enough to know my own opinion about things, i am not strong enough to not feel like crap when i do them because of what people say.

Look. I don't care if you don't like alcohol, or you don't like cigars, or you don't like people who dye their hair black, or you don't like tattoos, or you don't like clothing that make a point, or you don't like it when a guy and a girl kiss in public, and so on and so on. If i do something that makes you STUMBLE, let me know. (and I'm emphasizing stumble for a reason, there is a difference between something causing you to stumble and just not liking something.) I will, to the best of my ability, refrain from doing anything that makes you stumble, around you. I will. BUT. Don't tell me the things i do are bad. Don't tell me I'm in the wrong. Don't tell me that your opinion is right and mine is wrong. Don't force your opinion on me. I read the bible. I consult the bible and i consult other people whom i consider mentors or even older brothers, whom i trust and will thoroughly listen to their take on it and i will take it into consideration. I know I'm not going to agree with everyone about everything. Even biblicaly. But i do, and only god knows, i do strive to do what i interpret the bible to tell me to do.

So please, if you have an opinion on something, don't hesitate to let me know. But don't try and force it upon me, don't try and use it to make me feel like crap. And by the way. This really isn't directed at anyone. Just the world in general. Also. My self esteem issues go far beyond what the world does and most of it is due to my own problems. So im not saying that the world is the entire cause of any of my problems.


Randall's lyrics of the day:

Behold! The human being, more primitive than television
The urges in the hearts of men, older than the science within
The machine comes apart with ease, the doctor’s operating table
The hearts of men do as they please
John Wayne Gacy, Cain and Able

Feeding images into you, prying your eyeballs open
Somewhere deep inside, it’s true
The red you see remains unspoken
The death, the rape, the tragedy
The world is an ugly place
What’s capable in side of me
Is going to rear its ugly face

Taught to close our eyes and tuck ourselves away in silence
For centuries the world dies, everything I see is violence

There’s nothing new under the sun


Randall's verse of the day :

1 Corinthians 2:10-12

10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.
11For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
12We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.