If my first means nothing, dont let the last go to waste.

Intervention is a television program about the realities facing addicts of many kinds. Each program follows one or two participants, each of whom suffers from an addiction or other mentally and/or physically damaging problem and believes he/she is being filmed for a documentary on their problem. Their situations are actually being documented in anticipation of an intervention by family and/or friends.

Intervention is probably the most wonderful and painful show i watch. I have never been so happy as to see am 80somethin pound girl to accept help and get past her anorexia. I have never been so happy as to see the guy addicted to meth who has a family that he is tearing up get help. Or the girl who got high repeatedly until she got pregnant, had her kid, was clean for two years, and now left her kid at her parents house to live with some creep and get high all the time. I am in love with the stories, and the love the families have, and the care these addicts have, not for their own lives, but for their families, that drives them to get help.

But at the same time it hurts so bad to watch these. Because two people who i used to be close to, two who i had the opportunity to help, may still be going through the same thing. I still love this person, but there isn't any communication between us, and there hasn't been for a while. On the one hand, i watch these people and i hear and see them say and do things that horrify me, because i picture this person that was in my life saying or doing these things. Take the last one for example. This girl said more then once, "I can stop whenever i want." I heard that more then once. "Do you want to go get high, because i don't give a f*ck". This girl talked just like my friend. Sounded just like my friend. Acted a lot just like my friend. I watched that entire episode and all i saw, was my friend, not the girl that was actually on the TV. I had deep emotion connected to this particular episode. Because she reminded me so much of my old friend. The only thing that really hurts me, is that unlike the people on this show, my friend doesn't have anyone around that cares enough to do something like this. My friend is surrounded by friends and family that are all ok with it, or that are addicted in their own ways. NO ONE to care that my friend is going to destroy my friends life.

I love my friend. Something else that hurt watching the episode yesterday was how her dad acted. Her dad was a deacon at a church, her mom was a Sunday school teacher. Her parents were the typical church working parents. It hurt me to watch the dad yell at this girl, it hurt me to watch the dad push god onto this girl, it hurt me to watch the dad tell this girl god this, god that, god loves you, god god god god god. And he yelled. And he would guilt trip her into feeling bad. And he was, from what i could tell, mentally abusive in some way. It wasn't that he was trying to be, it wasn't that he was a bad person, it wasn't that he was a monster, it was that he had no idea how to get through to this girl, it was that he had no idea what to do with the situation, he was lost, he was scared, he was hurt, and he didn't know how to go about helping. And as you saw at the end of the episode all he had to do was say "I" " love you". Not God loves you. "I" Love you.

Why did that hurt me so much? Because in the relationship i had with my friend. I was the dad. I did those things. I tried to press God. I yelled at my friend, i guilt tripped my friend, i mentally abused my friend. I pushed my friend away. And now my friend doesn't communicate with me. When all i had to do was say "I" Love you. And shown it. That's why my friend became friends with me in the first place. Because i said "I" Love you. Because at first, i showed it. It didn't last long. Because i was scared, hurt, and lost. I had no idea how to help my friend, i had no idea how to handle this situation. What i thought was right, was completely wrong. And i may have screwed up the last opportunity to help my friend, whom i love so dearly.

I have never cried about a TV show or movie or anything like that before. THIS is why sometimes i tear when i watch this show.

I am sorry. I am filled with guilt and shame to this day. I live with a world full of sorrow because of my mistakes. I don't need to have the type of friendship we had, back. I'm not looking to have our friendship back. And what i mean by that is its not the most important thing. The only thing i really care about, is my friend, getting over the addiction. My friend, getting LOVE. My friend having the people around to love my friend and guide my friend to the path of getting clean. What i would give to walk that path with my friend, and do it the right way this time. I wouldn't care if after that i never saw my friend again. Just the opportunity to show my friend the kind of LOVE i have for my friend and to walk my friend down that path just pouring every ounce of LOVE i have into my friend.

I don't even know if i can show this to my friend, because of the shame and embarrassment i have, and because i feel that the way i have acted towards my friend gives me no credibility, and my friend will immediately stop reading this because i drove my friend to a state where we just picked out the wrongs in each others statements and didn't care about the good constructive things.



P.S. I understand that i took God out of the picture a lot in this. I am in no way saying that you need to take god out of the picture. God is a crucial part of doing anything correctly in life. But i stress the importance of understanding what is right for each particular person. Sometimes a person even hearing the word god or bible will turn them off, will ruin your credibility, it will upset them and they will not be interested in your help. Sometimes a person needs it to be shown, not told. This girl in this show, she needed to be shown not told. Because it was through her dads actions and statements at the end in which he never mentioned god once, that he was most glorifying to god. His actions glorified god far more then ever saying the words "lord", "god", or "bible", ever did. I (now) feel that you have to understand the circumstances you are in and when you should and shouldn't say or do certain things. And that includes strait up slapping someone in the face with the bible (which works on some) versus showing them through action(which works on others). 1 Corinthians 9:19 -22 "19 Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some".


Randall's lyrics of the day:


The waves on my back will tear at my heart no more.

I spent so long trying to write the perfect song, but it ended up in pieces.
Streetlights keep me warm tonight because she sleeps in another city.
Relieve me from this pain
From all your pain.
If my first means nothing don’t let the last go to waste.

Will you meet me in Riverside, we can’t be late.
I burnt my eyes trying to find a reason for this to fall apart.

I’m breathing oceans and distorting my losses.
The black clouds around your eyes soften me.
I’ll show you how this should be done, real passion and real grace, my love.
I’m not faceless like the fraud you used to give yourself to.



Randall's verse of the day :

Proverbs 2:1-11

1 My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,
3 and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.
6 For the Lord gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds victory in store for the upright,
he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
8 for he guards the course of the just
and protects the way of his faithful ones.
9 Then you will understand what is right and just
and fair—every good path.
10 For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
11 Discretion will protect you,
and understanding will guard you.