Im not afraid, at least not to die. Im afraid to live and not remember why.

So i was thinking about it this morning as i crawled into work. Many people want to die in their sleep. Its supposedly painless, you don't really know it happens, and your supposed to be at peace.

I want to die in my sleep. But i think its for a different reason.

You see everyday i wake up at 4 in the morning. And everyday i wish i were still asleep. At about 3 in the afternoon I'm still bobbing my head as i drive home, trying to stay awake. I get home and there are too many things on my mind that my brain wont let me sleep. I try to go to sleep. I try. I'm completely exhausted, and yet i cant sleep. I want to sleep. All day long i want to sleep. From the moment i wake up to the moment i do finally get to bed, i want to sleep. And thus enters dieing in my sleep. Its pretty much a wish come true. I want to be able to sleep as long as i want, which sometimes could be days or weeks. Sometimes i wish i could sleep through the whole summer. If i die in my sleep, then that's like....perfect! I will be doing the one thing that my mind and body can both agree on as supremely valuable. Sleep. I will fall asleep, happy, and then there it is, i wont wake up. I will essentially get to sleep forever. What a perfect way to end this life on this earth. Sleeping it out. It sounds like the best kick off party to heaven that i could ask for. You hear about people getting killed in sports or doing dangerous activities, and after they die, friends and family console each other by saying "he/she died doing what they loved most." Well i guess that would be it for me. I would die doing one of the things i love most.




Also i got one more thing i need to say. I was on this site called fullapologies.com the other day and it really got to me. So i am going to say this here and now, and if it ever happens i beg you to refer everyone to this.

If i ever get killed, by anyone. Be it a drunk driver, a drunk friend, a stranger who wasn't paying attention, or just anyone for that matter. And if they live. And if they apologise. I'm begging you. Please forgive them. Please do not cast them out. Please do not abandon them. Please show them love. People make mistakes. Sadly sometimes that costs peoples lives. If i am one of those lives. If that happens to me. Then its Gods will. I'm begging you to have no animosity towards who killed me. I'm begging you to show that person love and comfort, as unless its a murder, they probably feel just as horrible about it. It hurts losing someone you love because they were killed. I cant even begin to imagine the kind of hurt it would feel to know that you unintentionally killed someone. That you unintentionally not only took that persons life, but you caused pain and misery in so many others lives because of it. That has to feel far worse. So please, i beg you. If it ever happens, please forgive. Please love. Please.