Oh! Iatrophobia!

I am now less than a day away from surgery. And while i know that having your tonsils removed is not that big a deal, i am pretty friggen scared. Its not what I'm getting done that scares me, its the getting there that does. And what i mean by that is i am terrified to be put to sleep. I am almost even more terrified that I'm going to be terrified right before i fall asleep. You see i have this problem every couple weeks-months. Every once in a while at night i will start thinking about what is going to happen when i fall asleep. And my thoughts on that are never good. I get scared of the fact that i might not wake up if something around me is going on, i get scared that i will have a dream that i wont be able to wake myself from. I get scared that someone will come into my room and stand right next to my bed, stare at me, and i will have no clue. (that's just one example) (which is why i suggest you never do that, because if i wake up i will come out swinging) And then, once i get those ideas in my head, i cant sleep. And then i start thinking about how tired i am and how much i just want to sleep. But because i have those thoughts in my head i just cant sleep. And once that happens i start to get scared that i will not be able to fall asleep. I get scared that i will be scared all night. And usually this is all either following or followed by an anxiety attack. (i get those more frequently). And once all of that sets in i don't get any sleep all night and i get up the next morning miserable. Back to tomorrow. So tomorrow, i have no choice but to go to sleep. And its an artificially induced sleep. And i have no control over it. And nothing is going to wake me up. And i am terrified. I could be going in to get my spine removed and that wouldn't be the part that scares me. Its the sleeping part that scares me. I just hope that i don't start freaking out tomorrow. I'm not sure but i could guess that having an anxiety attack just as your being put to sleep cant be healthy for you.



Randall's lyrics of the day:

And sometimes when I start talking out loud
Should just shut my mouth and walk away
Somtimes I feel like maybe it's real and think like nobody else
Too close to myself and suffocate

Sometimes I fall asleep and then I lose control
I try to find my way out without letting go
And will I lose my mind if it comes back this time?
If I don't turn out perfect will you be a friend of mine?


Randall's verse of the day :

Phillippians 4:13
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.