I want to feel that pain.

Bret and i were talking this weekend, and our conversation lead to how much of a man Jesus was. How much of a manly man he was. Bret pointed out that back when they used to whip people like they did Jesus, that many people would die before it was over. Because they did not want this to happen they would lessen the strength of the blow as they got closer to the number of total whips they were doing on a single person. As the person would cry out in pain they would lessen the strength of the blow until the last one was hardly anything at all.

But Jesus took them full force. Every single one of them. And you know the rest of the story.

I turned to Bret and told him something that probably sounds crazy. "You know Bret, i honestly have always (not really always but for a good chunk of time now) wanted to feel that pain. I want to have someone lash a whip across my back in the same way that it happened back then. I want to know what it was like. I want to feel what he felt. I want to know exactly what that kind of pain feels like." I wasn't talking in any sort of hidden meaning. I really want to feel that. If i was givin the chance to have that happen right now, i would take it.

Why? I don't know what drives me to want to experience that. I'm no stranger to pain. And i have a pretty high pain tolerance. I almost enjoy pain. Its not like a sadistic pleasureful type of thing. But its more about showing myself how much i can take. Proving to myself that i have control over my body, my feelings, my reactions. I don't enjoy the pain for the feeling. I enjoy pain for the test within.

I think about how different pain is on the inside compared to the outside. See I'm never one to run away from something because of a little bodily pain. But when it comes to emotional pain, i am the biggest track star in town. I run like no other from anything emotionally painful. It has ruined my high school days, and it still plagues me now.

You see, i am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid of being turned down. I am afraid of being hurt inside. Everything that i hate about myself, is deep deep inside. I have no courage when it comes to putting my heart on my sleeve and going for the things i really want emotionally. I will take the largest example of my life. Girls. When i like a girl...i don't normally tell her. Because i will probably be turned down. And then i don't feel good enough, and then i hurt inside. And i am terrified of feeling hurt inside. I have to KNOW that they like me back, before i will even try taking the step to express how i feel to them. The same thing happens when i had those "first kiss" with my ex's. I had to KNOW that they wanted to kiss me. And that ruined the romance of it all. I'm terrified of the day i ask someone to marry me. I'm terrified that she will say no. I'M TERRIFIED that her parents will say no. I don't know how i will muster up that courage. And its all because i am terrified of feelings the slightest of pains inside.

This is something i have tried to change myself, something i have prayed about, something i have struggled with a long long time. I have put that nickle in many times, and seen no gumball come out. And it plagues me to this day. If only i could utter those words, telling you how i feel. Then possibly things could be different. But i cant. Because I'm too scared. And I'm letting my fear control me. If only i could ask you one simple question, that could start it all. It seems so easy for everyone else. I saw it happen just yesterday. If only i wasn't this weak. If only i had the strength. If only i had the courage.

If i could only handle a little pain.