Im terribly Vexed.

So sitting in church last night, i about walked out. Not because of anything i was hearing, anything i was being told, or any sort of disagreement. Hell if anything i was definitely in agreement with what was being taught, as what pissed me off, was talked about only seconds later.

I started flipping through my bible and reading all the things i had underlined in the past year or so. Things such as do not get drunk from wine causing debauchery. Do not let any unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth. Love. Do not anger easily. Don't give in to sexual....anything. Etc. I got really disgusted at the 90% of the people who call themselves Christians. REALLY disgusted. I thought to myself, 75% of the people here get drunk, swear, do not show love, get angry easily, and lust and sex it up quite frequently. And I'm not saying they do one of these things, I'm saying if not all, they do most of them on a daily basis. I just read a study saying how something about 80% of Christians are the average Sunday christian. They go to church and stay legit for an hour or two afterwards, then its back to not caring for the rest of the friggin week. What is a church? From what i understood from what Ive learned at praxis, a church is not the building, the time, the place, the where, the when, the how. The church is the people. The church is the group of people that gather. Well what the hell am i doing going to any church in the entire nation that is made up of a bunch of Sunday Christians. What the hell am i doing trying to grow or learn or become unified with anything considered "church" if all it is, is a bunch of screwed up adults and kids who show face to make themselves look and feel better to others and about themselves. Obviously "we Christians" have a huge problem taking our religion seriously. If we truly believed in what the bible said we wouldn't be Sunday Christians. We wouldn't live the way we do. We would be to flat out scared out of our minds that at any second gods going to shove his fist through our souls and send whats left to hell, and we would live according to how we should be. But were not. 80somethin percent of us are Sunday Christians. And 60% of them will never change. So what the hell am i doing being a part of this?

These were my thoughts as i sat there in church. And then you know what happened? The guy preachin started talking and all i could do was grin. And unhappy sadistic pleasure filled grin. "Did you know that most Mormons live cleaner, more biblically moral and ethical lives then us Christians". Think about it. He wasn't advocating that they were correct. But think about it. Its true. Its 100% true. While their core beliefs and all that jazz is all messed up, the lives they live, the things the choose to do and not do, are directly massively influenced by what they believe in. They believe, and they execute. And that's more then 80% of the christian population can say. The preachin man started talking about how you don't really know the person next you, or in front of you. How you automatically assume that they are clean good people because they are in church on Thursdays and/or Sundays. When in reality most of them are filthy, dirty, disgusting people. When the moment they leave church its all left at church. He started talking about exactly what i was thinking.

You know what the sad part is. EVERYONE was paying attention. Why is that sad? Because 80% of them left it at the church. And didn't give a care about it once they left church that night. So why go? What a waste of time.

And i started thinking about why. And i almost got up and left the church again. Because i read those things i had underlined again, and remembered how far i had come. I remembered how much i struggled, and how well i was doing. Where the hell did all of that go? Because i am nothing more then more knowledgeable then when i started out. I know what the bible tells me now. But i still do the same stupid things i did before. I just feel bad for it now. Sometimes. And i started getting disgusted with myself. I thought about how i should be living my life. I started thinking about the people that i know are legit. I started thinking about those and how i should surround myself with them more. But you know what i realized. I DON'T WANT TO. If i surround myself with those i call "black and whites", or those that don't have (or at least don't show) any grey area, i don't have fun. I don't enjoy myself around them. I don't want to be around them or i feel like blowing off my hand get rid of how dull everything is.

You see when i watch a movie, i don't want to have to skip through the sex scene. Not because i enjoy seeing it, but because its a part of the movie, and its what the world does. Your watching the rest of the movie aren't you? I'm sure it has other stuff you shouldn't be watching! So why skip the one scene? I think its crap that i have to forgo watching the whole movie because of a black and white. When its hypocrisy anyways!

You see i don't want to not be able to talk about beer, or have a drink, or anything like that because someone is under 21. I have no problem telling someone i don't think they should drink if they are under 21. But its complete BS that i shouldn't because someone else isn't 21. SPECIALLY in my own damn house. ITS MY HOUSE. I have alcohol there. Cant deal with it? Don't come over. If you have had an alcohol problem in the past, i can understand. But i don't want to have to stop drinking just because someone isn't a certain age. The same goes for cigars or anything else like that.

You see i don't want to have everyone hush up and stare at me if i say one stupid swear word. Yeah I'm trying to watch my mouth. But i mess up. Don't judge me you hypocritical black and white. Just because i don't hear about yours, doesn't mean you don't mess up with your problems.

I don't want it to be wrong for a girl to be in my room. Be it a friend or girlfriend. I don't want it to be wrong for me to not be in a girls room. While i understand everyones point on why that is, try and understand mine. I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE. And i wouldn't go into her room if i thought she would! "yeah but flee from the appearance of evil". WELL YOU MAKE IT EVIL. When you friggin assume that something is going to happen, that something is going on just because its a guy and a girl, YOU MAKE IT EVIL. I don't have any part in your stupid bull crap assumptions. That's your friggin problem not mine.

And i could go on and on about grey areas that i WANT.

And therein lies the problems. You see, i don't have any fun when i surround myself with black and whites. I don't have the same mentality as them, i want to explode out of the frustration it causes me when i hang out with black and whites.

But the thing is, i know I'm wrong. I feel convicted just for my thoughts let alone my actions. I know that most everyone that reads this is going to look at it and be like wow this guy is derailed, he is far off track, he is totally wrong, he is lost, or even he is simply an idiot. AND ALL OF THOSE THINGS YOU WOULD SAY, ARE JUSTIFIABLY CORRECT. trust me, I KNOW. I know i am wrong. i know I'm an idiot. So please don't start judging or trying to point out where i am wrong, cause i will do it for you. And i don't do it so you wont, i will do it because i know that i am wrong. So here i will point out where i am wrong.

EVERYTHING FROM THIS POINT AND ABOVE IS WRONG!

I do pray about it. I pray that god will change my feelings about everything. I pray that god will let me have fun around those who i call dull black and whites. I pray that god will help me to despise the evil i so thoroughly enjoy. I pray for his guidance and his wisdom to help guide me out of the fog.

But what I'm saying is i understand why 80% of Christian's are Sunday Christians. I understand the draw towards evil and the what seems to be dullness of being good.

I'm sorry if i have offended anyone. And trust me this was not directed at anyone. If you think you are one of the dull black and whites I'm talking about, there is a 99% chance that your name didn't cross my mind. And if you think that I'm specifically talking about you as one of the 80% I'm talking about, well i wasn't. Because no ones name came to mind, it was a generality. It wasn't any one specific person i know. It wasn't the people i know in Tempe. It wasn't the people i know in AZ. it wasn't the people i know in Washington and Oregon. It was everyone in the whole lovely world.

Again i am sorry if i offended you. Please forgive me.